1. Buy an oversized — no seriously, you should be swimming in it — sweatshirt from the men’s department of your local Target. H&M also has some nice ones. Now, wear a really cute outfit but throw that on over it. Good job, it looks like someone who adores you let you borrow their hoodie. Boys seem to like those kind that are all one color with a white zipper and white strings. Those are popular. But go crazy! This is your imaginary boyfriend.
2. When you’re home alone, wear socks. Why? To keep your feet warm, ya dummy. That’s one of the top two responsibilities of being a boyfriend: keeping you warm. I’m not even sure what the other one is?? Loving you. Idk. (If anyone reading this does have a non-platonic man-friend, let us know what they actually do! Thanks!)
3. Get a heavy blanket. No, heavier. Even heavier. Okay, just go steal that lead apron they put on you at the dentist’s office when you go in for x-rays. That’s what it feels like when your boyfriend falls asleep on you. Bonus points if you put it on while masturbating to get the full effect of having a long term partner fall asleep on ya while doing the nasty.
4. Sign up for a service that will send you reminder texts, but instead of reminding you to do things, have it text you “I love you babe [heart eye emoji face] [couple kissing] [winky face] [eggplant].” I’m pretty sure that’s how you convey sexual desire and love via text.
5. Set your background as you and a guy. Can be any guy. Doesn’t really matter, all that matters is that, when you’re in a relationship your phone’s lock screen better not be some basic picture of your diabetic cat.
6. When it’s Halloween time, get a fake prop hand, even a bloody one will do (I don’t know the price point on these, but they are procurable) and set that in the passenger seat of your car. Got it? Now while you’re driving reach over and “hold” that hand. If you want, and it doesn’t freak you out, you can rest it gently on your thigh as you cruise around town running errands. That’s what boyfriends do. They caress thighs.
7. Stay in every weekend. No one is going to believe you have a boyfriend if you are out in the club Thursday through Saturday, relentlessly dancing to EDM music that you are pretty sure is just a bunch of Swedish guys throwing up over an abandoned radio station’s static.
8. Buy a body pillow with an arm. These are real and available on Amazon Prime so you have no excuse for sleeping in an empty bed. The best part: his arm won’t fall asleep and your hair won’t get into his mouth so you can spoon all night long.
9. Every once in a while, get on hours-long customer service calls. That will swallow up hours of your time with someone you don’t want to be talking to. Let’s be fair about relationships: sometimes they are shittier than a combination Taco Bell Pizza Hut bathroom. You need someone to get you riled up so you can complain to your grrrls. Otherwise, this isn’t going to feel authentic. K? So grab the phone and call Time Warner about your cable bill, cause after 47 minutes of back and forth with Judith, you are going to have plenty of ire.
10. Get a back scratcher. That’s one of the nicest parts about being with someone, isn’t it? Their ability to scratch/investigate/soothe the parts of your body that you can’t. Well guess what, a back scratcher is about to become your best friend. Well… boyfriend. Of course, if you could find a way to get a solo back massage you’d be a millionaire.
11. You know those hand warmers? Get them. Got ‘em? Perfect. Now get a pair of gloves. Wear those around and slip a hand warmer in each of those puppies. Voila, you’re holding hands. Okay, not really, but your hand is all hot and sweaty, isn’t it?
12. Shop and shop and shop until you feel like you’ve maybe filled the whole in your heart (you haven’t!) and then when you realize you can’t afford all those things, return them and feel stupid rich, even though you know that you’re really back where you started from, minus the time and money you spent on shopping. You don’t like shopping? Well, I don’t just mean clothes. It could be iPads for all I care. The point is to fill the void with material objects and psychological tricks!