Slicing your finger while cooking
Slicing your finger with a paring knife is bad enough. But slicing your finger with a paring knife and then having the jalapeno juice flow into your wound is pure fucking agony.
Stepping on a Lego
If you have even the most basic knowledge of Internet culture and memes, you have heard of the horror that is stepping on a Lego. But, seriously, have you ever stepped on a Lego?? It’s like a very hard, very angry, very jagged rock that just wants to fuck the arch of your foot. I have never stepped on a Lego and managed to keep my cool. Obscenities galore. This is why I wear heavy terrain boots when I babysit.
Puppy teeth/Kitten claws
This is, perhaps, the cruelest pain of all, because it comes from the cutest source. You’re cuddling your fuzzy animal friend and they’re just so fucking adorable, then suddenly it’s “SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER!” That sweet little furry baby sinks their needlelike teeth/claws into you and you feel a bloom of pain and the crush of betrayal. Why, little cuteness, why??
Stubbing your toe
God fucking dammit, I hate this. I cringe even as I sit here typing out the words. A stubbed toe just sucks. There is no poetic language that does justice to the immense pain. Stubbing your toe sucks because it hurts like a bitch and comes out of nowhere. Bonus points if you stub your toe shortly after getting a pedicure, because then it’s, “Fuck! OWW… Oh no!”
A toilet seat slamming on your fingers
Gentlemen, THIS is why women ask you to put the seat down. It’s because, if you’re not vigilant, when you lower that seat, the lid will come with it and destroy you. And when a woman has to pee, she’s not paying attention to whether or not that lid is poised to attack. (Fun Fact: It was this pain and the subsequent me flipping shit on my boyfriend that inspired this list.)
Accidentally biting your tongue/lip
Even more painful than the fact that you just chomped viciously on your own sensitive facial flesh is the mental anguish of sitting there and processing the fact that you are such a stupid, dysfunctional human that you actually just bit yourself.
Whacking your funny bone
This always occurs in the stupidest situations. Like, you’re setting your phone down on your desk and somehow you just manage to slam your elbow down at the same time. It’s the kind of pain that has you gripping your arm and writhing around as you grimace in your suffering.
On this front, I have not gotten any better at handling splinters than I was at age six. I cry like a baby when I get one, I cry like a baby as I look at it, I cry like a baby as I remove it with the tweezers, and I don’t stop crying until I have a Band-Aid on that shit and copious amounts of antibacterial cream.
Stabbing yourself in the eye with a mascara wand
The mascara wand is a violent weapon of mass destruction. Not only have you just stabbed yourself in the fucking eye, the mascara is now burning your eye, your pupil is dilated (which just escalates the level of scary), and, as a result, your eye will tear up and will ruin your makeup, adding insult to injury. I currently use a mascara that has very long, very sharp bristles on the wand (for maximum volume and length) and I live those 10-12 seconds a day when I apply my mascara in utter terror.
Because yanking individual, deeply rooted hairs out of your body is such a pleasant thing to do.