Phase 1: Giddiness
You’ve got a crush! It’s like the whole world looks different. It’s like Dorothy leaving Kansas and entering Oz – everything is in glorious Technicolor, and there’s a dead woman in fabulous shoes under your house! What could possibly go wrong? You’re ready to skip down that Yellow Brick Road, except unlike Dorothy, you don’t want to go home – you love this new place you’re in, and you want this feeling to last. It’s like being on drugs without having to buy them and break laws! Everyone wins!
Phase 2: Sharing
This is the part where you share every detail about your crush to anyone who will listen. The barista at Starbucks would definitely love to hear about how Ted’s hair curls just so and your girlfriends definitely want you to go on and on and on about how Darryl is just the funniest guy ever!!!!11 Show them pictures. Hey, that brings us to….
Phase 3: Googling
It starts out casual – a light Googling of the crush’s name. Then Google images. Then you’re Googling music/writing/projects that the crush has worked on. Then you’re Googling anything that’s even close to their name. Now you’re typing in the first letter and the search bar is like, “Yeah, I got that, I know what you’re looking for. Seriously? Again? You’re not going to find anything new.” But, like President Obama, you have the audacity of hope.
Phase 4: Facebook Stalking
We all do it, still. This is the part where you tell yourself you’re only going to check out their profile real quick, and the next thing you know, it’s an hour later and you’re looking at each and every one of their photos. Why? You know what they look like. But do you know what they look like on Space Mountain? At Joshua Tree? In a supermarket holding a pack of ramen noodles making a silly face? You don’t, so you’re going to do your damndest to find out.
Phase 5: Insanity (also known as Infatuation)
You’re infatuated and thus, the most irritating, insane person on the planet. You’re crushing so bad and it stopped being fun. You’re ready to dump a bucket of water on the Wicked Witch so you can go home, but instead of a bucket, it’s a cell phone, and instead of needing water, it’s just one text that you need to end this madness. Just to confirm that they like you. But why are they not texting back? Better show your friends your text history so they can read into it and come up with something reassuring. “He texted a smiley face, you’re golden”/”He texted a smiley face, he’s a player.” You’re more confused than ever. You bring up his name and your friends’ eyes roll so hard, it’s like the giant boulder coming down on Indiana Jones. But they’re not the only ones annoyed. Which brings us to…
Phase 6: Annoyance
At this point, you might be annoyed that your crush doesn’t like you as much as you like them, or that things haven’t progressed as quickly as you’d liked. How dare they? You’re like a Buzzfeed cat gif, how are you not universally adored? You just saw them post an Instagram photo so you KNOW their phone works. What is this madness? Why are you acting this way? You’re a smart person. Why are you making such dumb decisions? Why is your behavior so abominable? Why do you have to have this stupid crush and act like a crazy person? Put down your phone and calm your tits.
Phase 7: Acceptance
You have calmed your tits. You have accepted that you have a crush, and at this point, you’ve either recognized that it’s mutual and you’re dating, upon which the crazy-crush feeling will soon calm, like Ethel Merman being sedated in Airplane! or your crush has blown you off, leaving you back at square one (THANKS A PANTSFULL, DEREK.) I mean, wait, what? Heeeey, we’re all just having a good time, we’re all so young, and so free. We’re breezy. I know I’m breezy. Are you?