8 Things Most Straight Guys Do That Literally Make No Sense

1. Staying in relationships that they clearly don’t want to be in.

I’ve been cheated on; but, more interestingly, I’ve also been the other woman who a guy has tried to cheat on his girlfriend with. And it’s the latter scenario that I find especially perplexing. What I can’t understand — and what, I know, many women don’t understand either — is why a guy would choose to be unfaithful in a relationship over being single and free to do whatever he pleases while hurting no one in the process?

2. Playing pick-up basketball games.

In general, women aren’t initially warm to each other. In general, women don’t typically observe the presumption of innocence in other women they don’t know; put differently, they’re all pretty much guilty until proven innocent. Which is perhaps why you don’t ordinarily see a group of chicks playing a game of pick-up basketball — it’s not really in our nature to coexist peacefully right off the bat. For such an activity to work, we would have to hold sports at a higher importance than petty judgments, and most of us just aren’t willing to make that sacrifice.

3. Sexting.

I realize I’m generalizing here, but still I maintain that the presence of sexting is contingent on one thing and that’s straight, horny men. And, as I’ve expressed before, it’s something that will always confound me. What I have trouble understanding is this: what particular part of the sexting turns guys on? Is it the lack of physical contact? Our knack for imaginationless scenarios? Or no, I know — it must be the period of anticipation that comes with the typing signal emoji. I JUST. DON’T. GET IT. And if it’s truly my words, and nothing else, that you find so titillating, then why not go for Anais Nin or some other piece of highly acclaimed erotic literature? Why settle for my juvenile narrative?

4. Wearing flip-flops.

And now is probably as good a time as any to refer to a line from Louis CK’s SNL monologue this year: “I don’t think women are better than men, but I do think men are worse than women.” Similarly, readers should not get it twisted; for I am in no way arguing that flip flops are even remotely decent on women. They’re just much more horrific on men. I’m just curious, really — what part of exposing your foot-long strands of toe hair did you think was a good idea?

5. Growing neck or chin hair.

It’s really not a good look, this whole stray patches of coarse hair sprouting around your Adam’s apple area. And what’s more: I know you know this too. It’s not like we’re even asking you to wax it or laser it off — no, God forbid we should ask that of you! All we’re asking for is a simple, measly shave.

6. Calling each other “gay” or “homo.”

I know this does not apply to all straight men, but I also know that I spent a fair amount of time in a fraternity house at USC, where I heard this constantly. “Gay” and “homo” are just such outdated terms to use to disparage others. They’re offensive and unseemly as stand-ins for words like “shitty” and “asshole.” Yet at the same time I can’t see why these frat boys don’t see these terms for what they actually are: compliments. Any gay guy will be better kempt, have better style, a sharper sense of humor, and will have a much more pleasant aroma than any frat boy at USC. That’s just a fact.

7. Not caring about the state of their toilet.

I’m more concerned about this one than anything else. The only answer I can think of is that straight guys must have some deep, irreparable mommy problems that are blocking their visual cortex from seeing what’s directly in front of them: a shit-splattered toilet seat. They should really think about getting that checked out.

8. Taking selfies.

Straight men: you’ve already monopolized the workplace, sex, and society in general, why take the one territory that is irrefutably ours? Selfies are not your terrain; it looks unnatural on you, to be honest. Just leave it be, for Christ’s sake. TC mark

 

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