You could work your entire life to be happy and you will still never attain the level of unadulterated bliss a dog feels when you merely walk in the door.

All lesbians keep short fingernails.

If promoting God’s law means taking a chubby, Tony Perkins will suck it up.

Public Relations: In addition to only being allowed to write emails in all caps, you are required to constantly attend events that specialize in mid-level dudes cheating on their girlfriends…

Yet despite these hurdles, I have to say the worst stage of puberty was, without a doubt, the sprouting of those pesky pubes.

Calling a book a “beach read” can be a sort of subtle insult, like telling someone that their shirt seems a little tight or they look beautiful when they wear…

New York is not what everyone says it is. It’s not the “Greatest City in the World” and I didn’t immediately want to move here. I didn’t change my perspective…

26. Elle: This is going to be just like senior year, only funner!

My grandfather put it to me this way: If a key opens lots of locks, then it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys,…

Yeah, my friends who fascinate me the most are normally the crazy ones, the ones who burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.

You have to give yourself enough room to grow into who you are and then not be so attached to it that you won’t let yourself become who you’re going…

Reading must become as natural as eating and breathing to you. It’s not something you do because you feel like it, but because it’s a reflex, a default.

4. Tai: Why should I listen to you, anyway? You’re a virgin who can’t drive. Cher: That was way harsh, Tai.

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. -Hillary Clinton

Apparently, ASMR stands for “Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response.” This “response” can basically be described as “brain tingles,” something that only some people can experience.

People think about their exes in bed sometimes, including with you. Including about that ex you are really threatened by and worry that they might still have feelings for.

Now your relationship is less like a delicate flower and more like some kind of Cold War-era bunker, ready to withstand literally anything that life will throw at it.

5. Settling significant decisions via Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Do not give an utterly unpronounceable spelling to a well-known name.

You go, girl, you did what we never could. And then put it on the internet.