The season we are now moving into is not really summer–that’s just a euphemism. No, what we’re experiencing now and for the next two months is the Season of Swamp Ass, aka When You Get Up Off Your Subway Seat You Are Most Definitely Leaving Behind A Puddle Of Sweat, Gross.
Short of botox injections to your crotchal sweat glands, there’s not so much you can do about swamp ass other than adequately dealing with it. As a long time sufferer of summer-time butt sweat and damp vag, here are some tips for sorting out the marshland developing in your pants…
Slide off the seat
It’s a rookie mistake to stand directly up from any chair not made of an absorbent material during swamp ass season, so basically, anything that isn’t a soft ass couch. Wood benches, plastic chairs, leather seats; your new mantra is “Slide Don’t Stand.” When you get up, you want to make sure you’re taking your sweat with you; no one wants to see your butt leak.
Keep Your Pubes
I’ve always been a big advocate of the humble pube, and there’s no better time to liberate yourself from the banality of a waxed minge than during summer. Pubes are your friends; and like friends, they’re designed to help you out when time get tough. In this case, that’s assisting in keeping your sweaty pink bits in check, providing a natural buffer to help keep your undies dry.
Traditionally, you’re supposed to spray perfume on the parts of you that pulse, and sweat. Behind your ears, on your wrists, behind your knees. Add your groin to the routine; but be careful not to spray yourself in the hole, that shit stings. Just a light dash about your inner thigh to mingle with the stench of your crotch sweat to at least create some confusion about the smell wafting out from between your legs, if not mask it all together.
Keep A Change of Knickers In Your Purse
If you’re anything like me you’re walking around in completely wet underpants by 2pm. And there’s no better cure for wet underpants than dry underpants.
Splash & Dash
If there’s a private bathroom with a sink in it, pull down your panties and give yourself a little splash with some cool water. Failing that, a dampened wad of toilet paper just dabbed about your crack is helpful too, but be careful not to leave behind any stray roles of paper that break off and get caught in your ass hairs (it sort of hurts to rip them out when they go hard). Or you can be a real princess about it and carry around a little misting bottle if you like, I won’t judge.
At the end of the day, swamp ass is always going to have you beat. It’s relentless, overpowering, and seemingly with an infinite supply of moisture that just won’t dry up. You can try and deal with it as much as you like, but eventually your energy to fight will be sapped completely. You might as well shrug it off, enjoy the fact that you’re not the only one with sweat dripping balls, and embrace the free pheromones; the more pungent, the more powerful, right?