Take advantage of the things you won’t have when you return home.

Happy reading, and don’t forget to put on that sunscreen.

1. Your alarm is more like a guideline than a rule; one which you will repeatedly ignore.

It feels as if you had a menu in hand and anxiously, hungrily waited for 20-something years, then when the universe came over to take your order, you didn’t have…

They say there is always room for better. But what if he was the best you could ever have? What if there is no room for anything better at all?

You don’t have to have everything figured out, and you don’t have to have perfect outcomes, you just have to feel good about the process.

A morbid look at life.

An overwhelming amount of people have said that clowns are creepy – and we have Stephen King to thank for that.

What’s worse: Not knowing these common facts or being continually surprised at how ignorant people are?

Like any good boyfriend, the guy who works at the coffee shop you always go to knows exactly what you want and is eager to give it to you.

Twitter is the land of word vomit and no spell check.

“I miss Rushmore. I miss… the seasons.”

Sometimes we can’t just go to your barber. It’s like handing someone a hairbrush & fingernail polish and asking them to create a beautiful, detailed painting with it.

If Apple’s stock can rise from $21 to $500, so can the wealth of any man.

And it’s not because wanting to make yourself prettier is incongruous with being supportive of women, it’s because it highlights all that is maybe-not-100-percent-sincere in our feminist rhetoric.

1. Pick your nose. It will bleed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You believe in the redemption, in choosing your own path, in underdogs proving their own worth, and all of that. But you also believe in ugly ducklings…

2. It’s not how much you earn, it’s how much you save.

Someone announces on Facebook that they’re starting some new diet or weight loss plan and you’re like “Mmhmm. Okay.”

A new mother wanted her boyfriend’s name tattooed on the chest of her 5-month-old son.

I work at a recycling center and just the other day someone threw a dead cat into the cardboard shredder.

Didn’t just wait for someone to text her back, but kept the window open to see the little ellipses pop up.

Answer their phone calls at 4 A.M and promise them that you were not sleeping, even if you were.

We aren’t heroes. And we get compensated very well for the relatively little education we have.

There is no such thing as “The subway.”