They say that in due time you will forget everything. Everything that you went through, everything that caused the pain, the tension, everything worth forgetting. But what they don’t understand is that then, at that moment, you don’t want it happen. You don’t want to let go. You are scared. What if he walks away today and never comes back? What if letting this go is all but a mistake? What can I do to hold on to this for a little bit longer?
They say that it gets easier with time. You forget about it. But maybe, just maybe, you never forget about it. It is always there. The pain. Maybe you get used to it. Isn’t that the only option you have? The pain, it doesn’t heal with time. You simply find a way to deal with it. To deal with the way it agonizes in you, to deal with it subtly enough to not feel any of it anymore. You try forgetting all of it. But in this process, all that you do is constantly remind yourself that you have to put efforts to get rid of his thought. Get rid of the way he held you close enough for you to listen to his steady rhythmic heartbeat, get rid of how his wet lips left a lingering effect on yours, get rid of the thought of cuddling together having tea, forgetting how he caressed your hair, getting rid of those entangled fingers; getting rid of how he made every effort to make your day worthwhile. Getting rid of him.
They say there is always room for better. But what if he was the best you could ever have? What if there is no room for anything better at all? Comparisons are easily done when you have had a taste of perfection. You are scared. Like, why the person wants to be with you. Why did they like you in the first place? Will they bear with all your tantrums? Keep up with all the moods? Make sure they are there at your worst? Will they just be there to listen to all the silence when you don’t want to talk? Will they be there even when you don’t want them to be there? And the worst part, what if you fall in love with him? And what if overnight they decide to leave you and walk away? Will you be able to let him go and move on? Bear that much pain?
They say he was not worth you. Was I worth him? Did I deserve him? I should obviously be at fault since it was him that walked away from me that night. It was him that chose to go away and forget. It was him who decided for him that maybe, just maybe I am not good enough. So this means that I am the one who was not worthy. I want know that what I did, what we had was good enough. I have these persistent thoughts in my mind that tell me that I was the one who was not simply not good enough for him. That I was faulty.
They say you will look back to all of this and laugh at how naïve you were. Would I? I was not naïve when I kissed him first. I was not naïve when I lay there with him on his bed the other night, naked, feeling the warmth radiating from him; I was not immature when I cried that September night telling him everything that went wrong in this god forsaken life until he came along. I was not naïve when I believed that it was ‘him’ and that there are no second thoughts. I was not naïve when I said I loved him with all my might. Then why would I laugh?
They say being in love is the best thing that happens to someone. If it is so good and heavenly then why does it hurt so much? Maybe he never loved me. Maybe, he was just in love with the idea of me loving him. But not me. I have been in love. Truly, madly and deeply. And it hurts, a lot. So much that you find it difficult to breathe, difficult to pretend that he is no longer there, difficult to pretend that he does not exist. And you have to pretend to all okay because you cannot tell that you are not okay because people have this over rated view of love. It is not pretty. Love is difficult, and painful.
They say everything happens for the good. I was with him. Was that not good? I cherished him, was that not good? We were these amazing people together that everyone, including me, thought would last forever and ever. Was that not good? Define ‘good’ then. Then maybe he walking away was good. Maybe, he leaving me, stranded and devastated and alone was good. Maybe he letting me go was “good”.
They are wrong. All wrong.