You can always live with yourself. That’s basic. That’s how you came into this world. What you can’t do is make love spring from thin air.

It’s a very hard thing to hear, but someone who isn’t like you may be exactly what your recent ex needs, and they may be better than you — not…

It’s Friday night and you’re eating tofu in the Whole Foods parking lot. Standing up. Over the hood of your car. Nothing about this feels strange or pathetic to you.

Everywhere you go, you’d have to worry about getting recognized. Today it took me like an hour to get dressed and I still somehow managed to walk out the door…

I suspect it’s difficult for men to imagine a world in which their bodies have long been inextricably linked to their value as an individual.

Women are generally smaller than men, requiring less food and smaller clothes, and therefore using up fewer of the world’s natural resources.

Why are you going to subject yourself to scrolling through Perez Hilton while muttering about what a misogynistic pile of soggy hairballs that man is — what is that bringing…

Ladies! The boy is no one’s property. Also, you should be blaming the dude for the confusion, not each other. Wasn’t this song released in 1998, the Year of Girl…

As much as I love being out and wearing ridiculous things, I don’t go out of my way to approach new people or to try to make new friends, and…

I noticed that your hair looked hot, like it took you two hours to do, and that outfit you wore made you look ten pounds skinnier. Honestly, I wasn’t sure…

So what is your aim? I really want to know. Is this a game to you? Is it like, “Hey, let’s see if this chick is still willing to respond…

It’s OK to stay in touch with your ex’s friends, but don’t be a freaking menace about it.

In 2011, it seemed directors, studio heads and audiences finally realized what we’ve known for years: that people love Ryan Gosling.

Take brunch on 15th, and after you’re sufficiently buzzed, walk to 16th, take a left, and enjoy the mansions. It’s like Kevin Mcallister land over there, so it’s just nice…

Not getting enough exercise/fresh air during the day, as you are making steady progress on transforming into a barnacle attached somewhere between your bed and your laptop.

Even when I was less sore than the body sleeping next to me I was always tired, more hungry, more lost, more alone; I could only ever feel the feelings…

And while we’re on the subject of manners, maybe this person — this curious creature — is spending time with someone they enjoy. Maybe they think it’s rude to pause…

That last slice of pizza is yours. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Not having a bedtime, curfew, or authority figure who arbitrarily decides if you are allowed to go out this weekend.

You hate every piece of clothing you own but you avoid going shopping because you can’t bring yourself to buy things in a bigger size.

“I work in marketing and it’s taking over my life, I don’t know how turn it off, seriously, someone send help.”

You need to pretend that you know what you’re doing until you actually do. The only way anyone learns anything is by pretending that they knew how to do it…

Grabbing things with your toes and transferring them to your hands instead of bending down to pick them up.

You don’t give a monkey what people think about your tastes. You have no idea what the hot new bands are and you just don’t care.

The sodomy was clinical in nature, and thus concede to using the word with liberty.

When you tell somebody that they “look good today,” it’s important to realize that the more astonished you appear, the less of a compliment it becomes.

You need to stop handing out your heart like it’s free candy at the movies. It’s not. Your heart is the price of a Chanel store or, at the very…

“Of course I didn’t notice that you resemble the Elephant Man in my profile picture; I was distracted by how thin I look.”

Let’s talk about life here for a second. Spoiler alert: tons of people are going to have more money than you.

If you don’t like Bob Marley & The Wailers, or this song, then I don’t like you. That is all.

Are we supposed to be dating? Or are we more like good friends? Special buddies? No, not special buddies, that just sounds awkward. Hmm, maybe this is just about hooking…

There is a deep cultural premium put on the “cool” of indifference in my generation, and it’s a persona that I doubt I could ever even fake. Because I do…

I know we met on Grindr and all, but can you at least wait until the date is over before you open it back up? Sheesh.

I will never be the person you want. Not really. I can be a shadow of that person, striving really hard to actually get there. But I never will.

You can visit each other, you can Skype, you can do small things that make you feel connected to each other’s lives, but even those can sometimes seem like paltry…

Seriously, I hope he’s prepared to offer me workers’ comp because if he doesn’t come soon, I’m gonna have to take medical leave from penis-related activity.

If you’re going to take a stranger home for sex, you must know how to get them out of your apartment the morning after. No one likes a one night…

Whatever this person is doing with their life, you no longer have the balls to do it. They’re quitting their job on a whim to go backpack through Asia. They’re…

Sign up for a free trial of something that you’ll forget to cancel, thus earning yourself a full-blown membership.

When I have nasty acne, I tell myself that the people that love me would rather have me around than not have me around because I’m hiding out over a…

Blogging without making the requisite announcement/tag that you are now “drunk blogging.” Everything written while drunk blogging is acceptable.

Dirty talk is a privilege, not a right. I’ve had some AMAZING dirty talk moments but I’ve also had some that made my penis become suicidal. If you want to…

Famous only children include: FDR, Frank Sinatra, Lance Armstrong, and Elvis. Oh yeah, and some dude you may have heard of, goes by the name Jesus. You might remember him…

Feeling the discomfort of even mild politeness being received as an open invitation to follow you down the street or insist on continuing a clearly-unwanted conversation is something you don’t…

Does the shirt cover four inches of crotch/thigh area, AT LEAST? Are the leggings somehow embellished to make them more “pant-like”?

Whether you like him in his clean-shaven, hopeful early days, or his scruffy, overgrown, widow-boning, depressed days, Noah is inarguably one of the greatest fictional boyfriends to ever not exist…

Height signifies, if not biological strength, then a glow of social supremacy.

Whenever I’m in a drinking situation and somebody new finds out that I generally stay away from alcohol, the first thing they do is tilt their head, furrow their brows…

Lend me your sweater with the vague-and-absolutely-correct notion that I will be keeping it.

I don’t not-love you in a way that deserves a song. I just don’t. It is the most anti-climatic thing in the world, falling out of love.