I will never be the person you want. Not really. I can be a shadow of that person, striving really hard to actually get there. But I never will.

You can visit each other, you can Skype, you can do small things that make you feel connected to each other’s lives, but even those can sometimes seem like paltry…

Seriously, I hope he’s prepared to offer me workers’ comp because if he doesn’t come soon, I’m gonna have to take medical leave from penis-related activity.

If you’re going to take a stranger home for sex, you must know how to get them out of your apartment the morning after. No one likes a one night…

Whatever this person is doing with their life, you no longer have the balls to do it. They’re quitting their job on a whim to go backpack through Asia. They’re…

Sign up for a free trial of something that you’ll forget to cancel, thus earning yourself a full-blown membership.

When I have nasty acne, I tell myself that the people that love me would rather have me around than not have me around because I’m hiding out over a…

Blogging without making the requisite announcement/tag that you are now “drunk blogging.” Everything written while drunk blogging is acceptable.

Dirty talk is a privilege, not a right. I’ve had some AMAZING dirty talk moments but I’ve also had some that made my penis become suicidal. If you want to…

Famous only children include: FDR, Frank Sinatra, Lance Armstrong, and Elvis. Oh yeah, and some dude you may have heard of, goes by the name Jesus. You might remember him…

Feeling the discomfort of even mild politeness being received as an open invitation to follow you down the street or insist on continuing a clearly-unwanted conversation is something you don’t…

Does the shirt cover four inches of crotch/thigh area, AT LEAST? Are the leggings somehow embellished to make them more “pant-like”?

Whether you like him in his clean-shaven, hopeful early days, or his scruffy, overgrown, widow-boning, depressed days, Noah is inarguably one of the greatest fictional boyfriends to ever not exist…

Height signifies, if not biological strength, then a glow of social supremacy.

Whenever I’m in a drinking situation and somebody new finds out that I generally stay away from alcohol, the first thing they do is tilt their head, furrow their brows…

Lend me your sweater with the vague-and-absolutely-correct notion that I will be keeping it.

I don’t not-love you in a way that deserves a song. I just don’t. It is the most anti-climatic thing in the world, falling out of love.

Come across something that you don’t need, need — but you’re convinced that you could really use (e.g. new bath towels, a Frappuccino maker, etc.). Place all of them in…

The “accepted” reason that herpes is not part of a standard screening is that unless you have an outbreak, herpes is generally harmless and it doesn’t affect your quality of…

I know, if I am being honest with myself, that my harshest judgments and strictest standards are almost always reserved for other women, by reflex that I often cannot realize…

Andrew WK makes freak out songs. (He pretty much built his career off of them.) So does Japandroids. So does Titus Andronicus.

Don’t worry about ‘winning’ the breakup. You’re not going to become the first ballerina president astronaut unicorn by the next time they look at your Facebook, so don’t waste time…

It may be hard to believe, but “I’m your biggest fan,” is about the least impressive thing you can say to someone who hears it almost constantly — in fact,…

The kind of books I like to read are the ones that snap, crackle, and pop off the page. They’re exciting, they’re funny, and they usually involve heroin addiction. I…

Never take their mother’s side. Never.

If it’s BYOB, bring your own beer. If it’s a toga party, wear a toga. If it’s a search party, bring a flash light and tempered expectations.

Boy meets Girl. Boy likes Girl. Girl sort of likes Boy, but conceals that she’s not quite as interested because, who knows? She might be more into it one day,…

i cannot keep my room clean, can’t keep my headphones from tangling and my music from blasting and the pen from bleeding through the page, and the stairs from leading…

Is it possible to be 100 percent honest all the time and not hurt the other person’s feelings?

“Sweet potato fries at Burger King they’re not that great!! Love sweet potato fries what a big disappointment!!!! Guess that’s what you get with food….”

They’ll literally be in the middle of talking about puppies or rainbows and then they’ll turn, vitriol spewing from their gnarled mouths, yell “Yankees suck!” with a vengeance and then…

Love shouldn’t make someone feel like a bother. We shouldn’t be able to empathize with a pesky gnat at a picnic, being shooed away.

What the people you don’t like post on their Facebook status (why are you even still friends with them?).

“I’m already over it.” Like “I’m an adult,” that’s one of those statements that saying out loud makes not true.

Look at me: I am making pancakes. I am inserting strawberry cheesecake so they will be strawberry cheesecake pancakes. I am stacking the strawberry cheesecake pancakes and covering them in…

Stop blaming your parents for telling you you’re special. You now know it’s a lie, but you can only blame yourself for continuing to pretend it’s true.

John Tyler did some serious work in the White House — and I’m not talking about the 1844 Treaty of Wanghia — he fathered 15 children with two different women…

You were just that overcome with emotion that instead of saying anything, your slovenly self decided to just type a colon and half a parentheses in response to some of…

Who allows ten messages to go unanswered — a month of silence to stretch on — and still be excited when the other person finally decides to respond? I did.

It had been during that 11-hour car ride, Pooh thought to himself as he spied the river off in the distance, when he realized he had to kill Piglet.

As for extremely jealous, controlling situations — those typically aren’t going to end well, so walking (or even briskly jogging) away isn’t necessarily a bad idea.

The thing about gossip is, no matter how much you enjoy it in the moment (and we all kind of have our ugly moments of saying something nasty about someone…

Will Smith is not just the father of Willow and The Karate Kid.

LL Cool J — I liked how he kept licking his lips in “Going Back to Cali”; seemed like obsessive compulsive disorder, but since he’s a stud no one called…

Obviously, if you’re a werewolf, it’s time to lock yourself in cage in a library and have a friend stand by with a tranquilizer gun. (Buffy reference!)

These are songs to cry to, drink to, feel weak to; songs to feel wounded to and feel the tight swell in your chest to.

Aside from his parents, you’re the one I need to impress the most. Don’t make it hard on me. I’m already bugging.

You were there through different relationships the way a people weathers different administrations, learning intimately what it is they are looking for and the mistakes they are making — mistakes…

Are you depressed? You may want to just buy Elliott Smith’s entire discography and save yourself the trouble.

When you’re starving for their time and attention, this is an opportunity for sustenance. The scraps and crumbs of their busy schedule will serve as nourishment. Very little, but that’s…