15 Rules To Abide By When Dating A Woman From The Balkans

Resident Evil
Resident Evil

1. Guys, make sure you dress well. You’ll never keep a Balkan girl around if you can’t tell the difference between fitted dark denim designer jeans and those you got on sale at Costco.

2. Carry cash at all times. Balkan girls don’t like cheap men. In fact we don’t like cheap anything so please learn all the major fashion brands.

3. Be prepared to wait while she gets “ready”. Gentlemen, you’ve chosen a Balkan woman as your date, because 99% of the time she’s the hottest piece of A$$ you’ve ever seen. However, she doesn’t wake up looking like Adriana Lima, so please put up with her hogging the bathroom, watching YouTube tutorials on makeup, and spending over an hour deciding on what Loubotins would look good with what Versace MINI skirt.

4. Don’t get jealous. It’s a fact: if you’re dating a steller hottie from the Balkans, other guys will constantly hit on her. Also, she’ll probably continually get hit on until she’s about 50 years old, so you better get used it.

5. She’s high-maintenance. Don’t expect the relationship to last if you don’t: 1) pay the rent/mortgage/bills 2) pay for dinner 3) treat her like a damn princess. Why? Because more than likely she’s your personal shopper because you don’t have a sense of style, she cleans the house, does the laundry, is your personal assistant, and when worse comes to worse she’ll be the first to bail you out of jail and lie for you in court.

6. She loves jewelery and perfume. Get used to being exposed to about 30-40 different perfumes a month and many handfuls of gold, diamonds, fine gems, and ornaments. She was raised to love beautiful things, plus no one likes a woman who only smells like Ivory soap (or nothing at all) and wears 10K Gold. Wait a minute? 10k gold…what’s that S$$T?

7. Take her to dance bars, clubs, and vacations. When you’re dating a Balkan hottie, she knows she’s hot and she puts A LOT of time, effort, and (your) money into looking amazing. Thus, she wants to show that off, otherwise what’s the point. She’s a natural performer and can certainly strut her stuff. This is a NEED, not a want, so get a booth, bottle service and have a good time. Going to a “house party” where there’s a keg of beer will NOT make her happy.

8. She loves to wear the color black. Yes, black is like an unofficial uniform for Balkan women. They wear the color each and every season and always manage to pull it off. So please, don’t suggest she wear more colors because more than likely you’ll just end up with a black eye.

9. Learn geography. There’s nothing worse than asking a Bulgarian woman if she’s from Bolivia, or if Serbian is the same as Croatian. Moreover, never ever question the existence of Macedonia with a Macedonian woman and please don’t call any Balkan woman a Yugoslavian – you’re asking for trouble.

10. She probably has a weird first and last name. If you can’t pronounce her name properly, she’s guaranteed to dump you in a heartbeat, so learn how to say the sounds and pronunciations of “Dj” and “sht” and “oja” and especially “tz”.

11. Hold your liquor down. Balkan women love to drink alcohol. In fact, they have some of the best livers in the world. They also love hard liquor so make sure you always have a decent supply of vodka, Rakia, and whiskey.

12. Learn to appreciate music from her homeland. Although she may love to listen to hip-hop and house music, she has the music and rhythm of the Balkans following through her veins and from time to time she’ll have the need to shake her hips to some pure and raw Balkan Folk.

13. Appreciate that she doesn’t stuff her face with food. Balkan women are generally in amazing shape and they know it and they work hard to maintain it. She’ll probably be her own worst critic so don’t try and make her feel better by comparing her ass to Beyonce. That will never be a compliment to a Balkan woman and she’ll probably have an “eating disorder” her whole life in order to always be less than 120 pounds (50 kilos). At the end of the day, be happy because you won’t have to spend much on food and she’ll actually have a waist you can wrap your arms around.

14. She’s street smart AND book smart. When you date a Balkan woman you’ll notice that few can cross or outsmart her. She’s usually very well educated with a great cultural upbringing and a knack for spotting liars, crooks, and wannabes. No woman wants to date a dumb guy, so pick up a book and get with the program.

Last but not least…

15. She’s a lady in the street and a freak in the bed. If you want a woman you can take to a business meeting that can present herself in a highly respected way and then perform the most amazing stunts in bed, a Balkan woman is the girl for you. She will literally rock your world for years ahead. TC mark

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