Whether one of your New Year’s resolutions is to stop dating bad people or try to make unhealthy relationships work, we all want to avoid rejection. Sometimes it’s hard, because when we knowingly try to make it work with certain people, we end up surprised or dumbfounded when they just don’t. I know we’re supposed to give everyone a chance, but some people are just so not worth it. This year, you are going to avoid the type of people who make you miserable, who pull on your heart-strings and then eat them for brunch. It’s 2014, and you are just going to walk away before they have the chance to do any of that.
1. The self-indulgent creative type.
As a creative person myself, I vowed to never date another writer. Writers, film majors, and artists can be unbelievably sexy, especially if they’re good at their craft. Like, you want to crawl into their brain and watch the neuron fireworks go off. You want to be their muse. You hope they write about you in their Moleskins. But the creative types we want to date are the ones we romanticize and perhaps create ourselves. A lot of the fine arts majors that I’ve gone to school with are either assholes who are incredibly self-involved, or frightened recluses who fear their steam punk novel will be rejected (it probably will). A creative type will always force you to read everything they have written, watch all the films they have directed, and ask your opinion about the self-portrait they’ve painted with olive oil and your facial mask.
2. The one who disappears.
This person will be your everything on Sunday and your nothing on Monday. It’s probably not their fault; some people just thrive on freedom, so attachment is not what they’re looking for. So no, your boyfriend or girlfriend is probably not dead after three days of not returning your calls. They may be in Morocco or couch surfing in LA, though. Live and let die.
3. Someone who doesn’t read.
If anyone ever utters the phrase, “I don’t read,” I mentally put them on my Disgusting People list. A well-read lover is the best kind of lover. If you can snuggle up in bed and read books together after a long day, then you’ve reached a whole new level of intimacy. This person doesn’t need to have an encyclopedic knowledge of everything Vonnegut has written, but if they haven’t heard of Toni Morrison or David Sedaris, then maybe you should move on. Or, if you have the energy, take it upon yourself to educate them and pop their contemporary fiction cherry.
4. A guy who wears a fedora.
98% of the time, a fedora means a)this guy thinks he is tremendously cool, and b)he thinks he can get in your pants without even trying. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
5. A girl who fakes her passion for sports.
Girls! If you don’t like sports, stop wearing jerseys. Stop wearing booty shorts with your boyfriend’s favorite team’s mascot on your ass. Stop watching sports with them if you totally hate it. Also, stop telling other people you love (insert sport) for the sake of it. It’s bad form, and it shows people you have a lack of personality, or just one that reflects what you think guys like. If you truly like football, baseball, whatever, then disregard this, obviously.
6. Someone with a really bad tattoo.
Mistakes happen, and we were all young and impressionable once. But if you see “I love pussy,” something written in a different language that holds no significance, or a Playboy bunny, then you should probably move on. Because a tattoo says a thousand words, and none of those look very promising.
7. A horrible texter.
If the person you are dating either purposely waits a half-hour to return your texts because they want the upper hand or whatever, or they just straight up ignore you because that’s how they deal with things, then you’ve got yourself a flaky, inconsiderate asshole. Since texting is already a step down from a phone call, there is no excuse to suck at it.
8. Anyone who worships Charles Bukowski.
I guess this is a personal issue. But a misogynist, whether he wrote some pretty fine poetry or not, is still a misogynist. I think we can appreciate his work, but adoring the man on a crazy level is not okay.
9. The passive aggressive vegan.
There are probably more people in America with a dietary restriction than not, and I have no problems with that. However, if you hate meat or bread or food that wasn’t possible to cook during caveman times, don’t expect me to follow you with those endeavors. Don’t roll your eyes when I order a bacon cheeseburger. Don’t loudly repeat yourself to the waitress that you absolutely cannot eat meat; she got it the first time. Don’t hang the lives of animals over my head. Be yourself, but don’t expect me to eat the foods you eat.
10. Anyone living like they’re still in college.
If you can’t see yourself in their mirror because it’s so disgustingly clouded with scum, then you’re dating a guy or girl who is a)gross, and b)probably stuck in a time where cleanliness was not a priority in the least. Not being clean isn’t even the worst deal breaker. If they are out partying most days, spending more money on Shock Top than groceries, and not really considering a real job, then chances are, they won’t take most things in their lives seriously. Including their relationships.
11. The ones who are still disgustingly love with their ex.
Don’t waste your time with girls or guys who clearly never got over their last relationship. If they say their ex’s name mid-orgasm, or you find them longingly going through old photos of them on Facebook, then they haven’t let go. It’s not exactly their fault, but maybe they shouldn’t have roped you in when they knew they needed more time to heal.
12. Anyone who makes you feel like you are not amazing.
Because you are. Every inch of you. Don’t let a person make you feel shitty, don’t let them be condescending, don’t let them stop you from the success and happiness the new year brings.