Steven Wright Quotes

100+ Best Steven Wright Quotes and Jokes To Really Make You Laugh

Steven Wright is an American comedian, actor, writer, and film producer, best known for his slow, deadpan comedy of contrived situations and delivery of ironic, non sequitur jokes, sayings, and one-liners. Wright was born into a Catholic family in Cambridge, Massachusetts in 1955. He went to Middlesex Community College for two years to obtain his associate’s degree, left, and then attended Emerson College, where he graduated from in 1978. A year later, he began doing stand-up comedy at the Boston Comedy Club, The Comedy Connection. 

In 1982, the Executive Producer of the Tonight Show noticed Wright performing at a local comedy club and invited him to try and impress host Johnny Carson…and he did. He was becoming more and more popular and in 1985, his first comedy album was released through Warner Bros. Records and it did so well that it was nominated for a Grammy Award. In 1989, he took on the roles of writer and actor in his and Dean Parisot’s short film, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings, which won an Academy Award. As a stand-up comedian and actor, Wright had a recurring role in the sitcom Mad About You, he voiced a character in Tarantino’s movie Reservoir Dogs, and also continued with stand-up specials and appearances on talk shows. 

Wright is a well-loved comedian, named on Comedy Central’s list of the 100 greatest comics. Here are some funny quotes and even motivational quotes by Wright that will either make you laugh at or feel inspired by life’s ironies…or maybe a little bit of both. 

Steven Wright Quotes
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Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners 

“7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.”

“A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”

“All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.”

“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.”

“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.”

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

“Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.”

“Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.”

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

“Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.”

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.”

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

“I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”

“I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.”

“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.”

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”

“I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time.”

“I saw a sign: ‘Rest Area 25 Miles’. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.”

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.”

“I had amnesia once or twice.”

“I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.”

“I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.”

“I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”

“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

“If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?”

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”

“I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.”

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”

“It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.”

“Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.”

“Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.”

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.”

“My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”

“Smoking cures weight problems…eventually.”

“Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”

“The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.”

“The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.”

“What a nice night for an evening.”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

“What’s another word for Thesaurus?”

“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

“Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?”

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

“I invented the cordless extension cord.

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”

“Even snakes are afraid of snakes.”

“All the plants in my house are dead—I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with an ice cube.”

“I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

Other Steven Wright Quotes to Make You Laugh 

“A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, ‘Why were you going so fast?’ I said, ‘See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.’”

“A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back, it said, ‘Wish you were here.’”

“Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.’”

“I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, ‘Steven, time to go to sleep.’ I said, ‘But I don’t know how.’ She said, ‘It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.’ So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said ‘I thought I told you to go to sleep.’”

“I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.”

“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ‘I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.’’

“I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, ‘Have you got anything I’d like?’ Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ‘Extra medium.’”

“I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”

“I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, ‘Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?’ He said, ‘I don’t know.’ I said, ‘I don’t want your job.’”

“I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, ‘Got any shoes you’re not using?’”

“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’”

“I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, ‘Hey, you have two different colored socks on.’ I said, ‘Yeah, I know, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.’”

“I went to a fancy french restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, ‘Don’t I know you?’”

“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’”

“I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, ‘If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?’”

“I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in awhile I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, ‘I think I might have written that.’”

“If you write the word “monkey” a million times, do you start to think you’re Shakespeare?”

“In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs.”

“One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, ‘Didn’t you see the stop sign?’ I said, ‘Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.’”

“Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.”

The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”

“Today I dialed the wrong number… The other person said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello, could I speak to Joey?’… They said, ‘Uh… I don’t think so…he’s only 2 months old.’ I said, “I’ll wait.’”

“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’”

“When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

“I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.”

“When I was a kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.”

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

“Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it…”

Funny Inspirational Quotes by Comedian Steven Wright 

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

“Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.”

“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”

“The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.”

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

“If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.”

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.”

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

“If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

“I intend to live forever – so far, so good.”

“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

“Half the people you know are below average.”

“Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.”

“Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.”

Here’s a famous joke (or two or three or four) from Wright: 

More Quotes:

About the author
January Nelson is a writer, editor, dreamer, and occasional exotic dancer and a collective pen name. Read more articles from January on Thought Catalog.

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