100+ Hilarious Steven Wright Quotes and Jokes

Steven Wright quotes are hilarious. Wright is an American comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He's best known for his slow, deadpan comedy.

By January Nelson

Updated 3 days ago, November 19, 2024

Wright was born into a Catholic family in Cambridge, Massachusetts, in 1955. He went to Middlesex Community College for two years to obtain his associate’s degree, left, and then attended Emerson College, where he graduated from in 1978. A year later, he began doing stand-up comedy at the Boston Comedy Club, The Comedy Connection. 48states at English Wikipedia

In 1982, the Executive Producer of the Tonight Show noticed Wright performing at a local comedy club and invited him to try and impress host Johnny Carson…and he did. He was becoming more and more popular, and in 1985, his first comedy album was released through Warner Bros. Records, and it did so well that it was nominated for a Grammy Award. In 1989, he took on the roles of writer and actor in his and Dean Parisot’s short film, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings, which won an Academy Award. As a stand-up comedian and actor, Wright had a recurring role in the sitcom Mad About You, voiced a character in Tarantino’s movie Reservoir Dogs, and also continued with stand-up specials and appearances on talk shows.

Wright is a well-loved comedian, named on Comedy Central’s list of the 100 greatest comics. Here are some funny quotes and even motivational quotes by Wright that will either make you laugh at or feel inspired by life’s ironies…or maybe a little bit of both.

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

“7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.” – Steven Wright

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright

“A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.” – Steven Wright

“A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.” – Steven Wright

“All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.” – Steven Wright

“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.” – Steven Wright

“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” – Steven Wright

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.” – Steven Wright

“Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.” – Steven Wright

“Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.” – Steven Wright

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.” – Steven Wright

“Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.” – Steven Wright

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.” – Steven Wright

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?” – Steven Wright

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.” – Steven Wright

“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.” – Steven Wright

“I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.” – Steven Wright

“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.” – Steven Wright

“I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.” – Steven Wright

“I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time.” – Steven Wright

“I saw a sign: ‘Rest Area 25 Miles’. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.” – Steven Wright

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” – Steven Wright

“I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.” – Steven Wright

“I had amnesia once or twice.” – Steven Wright

“I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.” – Steven Wright

“I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.” – Steven Wright

“I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.” – Steven Wright

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.” – Steven Wright

“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.” – Steven Wright

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” – Steven Wright

“If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?” – Steven Wright

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?” – Steven Wright

“I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.” – Steven Wright

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” – Steven Wright

“It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.” – Steven Wright

“Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.” – Steven Wright

“Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.” – Steven Wright

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.” – Steven Wright

“My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.” – Steven Wright

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.” – Steven Wright

“OK, so what’s the speed of dark?” – Steven Wright

“Everywhere is walking distance if you’ve got the time.” – Steven Wright

“Right now, I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.” – Steven Wright

“Smoking cures weight problems…eventually.” – Steven Wright

“Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.” – Steven Wright

“The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.” – Steven Wright

“The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.” – Steven Wright

“What a nice night for an evening.” – Steven Wright

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?” – Steven Wright

“What’s another word for Thesaurus?” – Steven Wright

“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” – Steven Wright

“Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?” – Steven Wright

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” – Steven Wright

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.” – Steven Wright

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?” – Steven Wright

“I invented the cordless extension cord.” – Steven Wright

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.” – Steven Wright

“Even snakes are afraid of snakes.” – Steven Wright

“All the plants in my house are dead—I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with an ice cube.” – Steven Wright

“I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.” – Steven Wright

Other Steven Wright Quotes to Make You Laugh

“A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, ‘Why were you going so fast?’ I said, ‘See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.’” – Steven Wright

“A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back, it said, ‘Wish you were here.’” – Steven Wright

“Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over, and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.’” – Steven Wright

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright

“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.” – Steven Wright

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.” – Steven Wright

“I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, ‘Steven, time to go to sleep.’ I said, ‘But I don’t know how.’ She said, ‘It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.’ So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity, I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said ‘I thought I told you to go to sleep.’” – Steven Wright

“I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.” – Steven Wright

“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.” – Steven Wright

“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ‘I’m home now. But leave a message, and I’ll call when I’m out.’’ – Steven Wright

“I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, ‘Have you got anything I’d like?’ Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ‘Extra medium.’” – Steven Wright

“I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint… it was in a shape of a house.” – Steven Wright

“I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…” – Steven Wright

“I was in a job interview, and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, ‘Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?’ He said, ‘I don’t know.’ I said, ‘I don’t want your job.’” – Steven Wright

“I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, ‘Got any shoes you’re not using?’” – Steven Wright

“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’” – Steven Wright

“I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, ‘Hey, you have two different colored socks on.’ I said, ‘Yeah, I know, but to me, they’re the same because I go by thickness.’” – Steven Wright

“I went to a fancy french restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, ‘Don’t I know you?’” – Steven Wright

“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright

“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’” – Steven Wright

“I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.” – Steven Wright

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, ‘If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?’” – Steven Wright

“I wrote a song, but I can’t read music, so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio, and I say, ‘I think I might have written that.’” – Steven Wright

“If you write the word “monkey” a million times, do you start to think you’re Shakespeare?” – Steven Wright

“In my house, on the ceilings, I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs.” – Steven Wright

“One time, a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, ‘Didn’t you see the stop sign?’ I said, ‘Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.’” – Steven Wright

“Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.” – Steven Wright

The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?” – Steven Wright

“Today, I dialed the wrong number… The other person said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello, could I speak to Joey?’… They said, ‘Uh… I don’t think so…he’s only 2 months old.’ I said, “I’ll wait.’” – Steven Wright

“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.” – Steven Wright

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’” – Steven Wright

“When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.” – Steven Wright

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” – Steven Wright

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.” – Steven Wright

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” – Steven Wright

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.” – Steven Wright

“I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.” – Steven Wright

“When I was a kid, we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.” – Steven Wright

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” – Steven Wright

“Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it…” – Steven Wright

Funny Inspirational Quotes by Comedian Steven Wright

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright

“Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.” – Steven Wright

“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.” – Steven Wright

“The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.” – Steven Wright

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” – Steven Wright

“If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.” – Steven Wright

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.” – Steven Wright

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.” – Steven Wright

“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright

“I intend to live forever – so far, so good.” – Steven Wright

“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.” – Steven Wright

“Half the people you know are below average.” – Steven Wright

“Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.” – Steven Wright

“Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.” – Steven Wright

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Here’s a famous joke (or two or three or four) from Wright:

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Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Other Steven Wright Quotes to Make You Laugh

Funny Inspirational Quotes by Comedian Steven Wright

More Quotes: