Holly Riordan

All your embarrassing moments. If you can’t tell him about that time you threw up on your Uber driver, then really, who can you tell?

Show you off. He doesn’t have to brag about you on Facebook and Instagram every chance he gets, but he should hold your hand in public and proudly introduce you to his parents.

It was fun hanging out with him. It was fun flirting with him. It was fun kissing him. But that’s over now. And I’m okay with that.

Date someone you’re eager to move in with, even though you’ve always considered yourself an independent woman who can survive on her own. Someone that actually makes you consider marriage, even though you swore you’d never commit yourself to another person.

He’s lazy. He doesn’t have any goals in life. And he’s not even bothered by his own lack of ambition.

“Turns out there was a serial killer on the loose luring campers to their deaths with decapitated heads.”

“Amnesia was the first game that made me slam my laptop shut while screaming because I got scared.”

He’s given you a back massage before.

He asks you to lie about wanting kids or about being Catholic, so that she’ll approve of you.

Max: Never actually uses his dog bed. He prefers the couch.

Ease into exhibitionism by having sex in front of a mirror. You could place it above your bed, so you can see your partner’s backside while he’s thrusting during missionary, or you could hang it on the wall by your bed to watch yourself bounce.

The night of the funeral, after dragging some cousins to a bar to have fifteen shots to celebrate the fifteen years of Ryan’s life, a mottled brown owl landed on the tree branch outside of my bedroom window.

Driving with one hand on the steering wheel and the other on our thigh.

Do you like the taste of blood?

If you have to ask your friends if it’s a good idea to text them, then it’s definitely not a good idea to text them.

Aries: You need to get all of the craziness out of your system. Get your own apartment, travel overseas, and sleep with total strangers, so that you’ll be ready to settle down when the time comes.

I really want pizza. And a cute guy to eat it with.

“I choked her to death then cut her in small pieces so I could take my meat to my room, cook, and eat it.”