13. She came into the ER with a butt plug with a tail sticking out.
“Woman comes into the ER with a butt plug with a tail sticking out. She initially said that she was dressing up for a kid’s birthday party and that her costume was stuck and she couldn’t take it off. I wanted to ask well how old was the kid but I didn’t want to embarrass her even more.”
14. He said he fell naked off a ladder onto a vacuum cleaner tube.
“A gentleman presents to the emergency room stating that he fell. Upon further assessment (we asked him to sit down and he couldn’t), it’s discovered that while changing a light bulb in his closet (naked of course), he fell off the ladder and landed on an object. What was that object? I thought you’d never ask… This gentleman had (allegedly) fallen ass first onto the aluminum tube of a two piece vacuum cleaner. You would expect that this would be extremely dangerous, but conveniently this dude stored said cleaning appliance with a couple of tube socks and a latex condom covering the top of it (one would assume to keep the dust out of it). As the pieces of this little mystery came together, the patient never wavered from his original story. You see some pretty fucked up stuff in the ER, but I can honestly say that there are few things that are more bizarre than a pelvic x-ray film on a view box with a giant white line shooting up the middle of it. Dude must have had it a foot deep. Went to the OR and had it removed. Learned a valuable lesson about changing light bulbs in the buff…
15. He had shoved a whole bunch of needles into his urethra.
“I used to work at a mental health facility with outpatients from all walks of life. Some really nice folks and some real bad apples. Anyways one of the nice guys, let’s call him Dave, has severe schizophrenia. Dave likes to self=medicate and will constantly only take half or less of his meds when needed. Dave is homeless and hard to keep track of. When he’s on his meds his mind is clear and he’s super easy to talk to and get along with, but like I said he likes to self-medicate and so a lot of the times Dave is a mess…One day Dave comes in; he’s an absolute mess. I see him walk in say my greetings and ask him how he’s doing and all that jazz. He just starts saying he needs an MRI right away. Something is really wrong, he needs it right away. At this point Dave has caused a scene and people have come to see what’s going on. Anyways, Dave is a known self-harmer, so putting him in an MRI right away is a terrible idea. Dave goes for X-ray…
Dave had shoved a whole bunch of needles into his urethra…
Yup… you read that right. Dave essentially made his penis into a frag grenade and was hoping to put it into the MRI, and, well you can imagine what would happen. Luckily it never happened, but it still gives me the shivers thinking about what could have happened.
tl;dr: If you are mentally ill, please take your full dosage so you don’t attempt to make a frag grenade out of your penis.”
16. He shoved a ballpoint pen—with the lid on—all the way down his urethra.
“When I was a nurse I heard of a guy who inserted a Bic ballpoint pen, complete with the lid on, down the length of his urethra. Upon removing the pen the lid stayed in situ. Try as he might, he was unable to remove the lid and in a moment of insanity he inserted a fine drill bit into his urethra to try and grip the pen. It didn’t grip so he thought it needed a few revolutions to get it to bite. He attached an electric drill to the bit, hit the button and it did indeed bite, spinning the lid rapidly whilst still inside his penis. Unfortunately for this chap, the pocket clip section [whatever the fuck it’s called?] bent outward with the revolutions and basically corkscrewed his dick in rather ugly fashion. The way the story goes, he lost most of his penis but still had enough to be ‘functional.’ Could be one of those medical urban myths TBH, but the source was solid.’”
