When I first wrote about limerence back in 2018, many readers resonated with the idea of being in a “fantasy relationship” – becoming obsessed and fixated on a toxic relationship or “situationship” that is often unrequited, harmful, incompatible in some way, and one that does not meet their needs and falls short of their standards. Here are four movies about toxic limerence that will make you reassess your fantasy relationship:
Twilight Series
Perhaps one of the most toxic movies about romantic love and toxic limerence that has been romanticized is Twilight. But there is more than just one person in limerence throughout the movie series. For example, in the first Twilight movie (I have admittedly watched the entire series and read the first book), the relationship between Bella Swan and Edward Cullen starts off with both being obsessed with one another in a limerent-like love where both barely know each other. However, Bella falls into a deep, suicidal despair and the more tragic phase of limerence when Edward disappears from her life in New Moon because he’s afraid of putting her in harm’s way. In the first movie, vampire Edward (played Robert Pattinson) is drawn to Bella’s irresistible “scent” and the fact that he cannot read her mind like he can in others. Bella (played by Kristen Stewart) is drawn to the enigma of Edward because he is dashingly handsome, initially appears repelled by her (due to her irresistible scent) and actively avoids her (which confuses her, and perhaps this seeming rejection is what adds onto her obsession) and saves her life. As he tells her, “I am the world’s most dangerous predator. Everything about me invites you in—my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would even need any of that. As if you could outrun me. As if you could fight me off. I am designed to kill.” He goes onto say he has killed people in the past and wanted to kill her. In response, Bella says she does not care and trusts him. Girl, what?! Only a toxic kind of limerence and infatuation would lead to such a bizarre reply. He also stalks Bella and watches her sleep at night, which is highly problematic, deeply disorienting behavior. Talk about hot and cold, on a criminal level.
Before there was Joe Goldberg, there was Edward Cullen.
“But it’s you, your scent — you’re like my own personal brand of heroin,” Edward says, confessing he hated Bella because she made him “want her so badly” and felt out of control around her. Meanwhile, Bella’s childhood friend Jacob, is in limerence with Bella, and is always waiting around to see if he can move in as soon as Edward is gone (or even still in the picture, as we see in the wedding scenes as well as Eclipse. Bella asks Jacob to kiss her in Eclipse just to prevent him from leaving her, basically misleading him into believing he has a chance. In short, all three characters have serious issues with realizing what’s not healthy for them. This does lead to an important lesson, however: never be the “friend” waiting around to anyone you have deeper feelings for, hoping to be chosen. Choose yourself. And if you’re experiencing hot-and-cold behavior from someone like the way Bella does in New Moon, you’re in the throes of toxic love and limerence, not a healthy, compatible relationship. And if a partner is stalking you while you sleep, it’s probably best to call the police.
500 Days of Summer
Perhaps no character captured the obsessive quality of toxic limerence as Tom Hansen (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) in 500 Days of Summer. He falls in limerent love with Zooey Deschanel’s character, Summer, a fellow co-worker he connects with at his job at a greeting card company. Much like I noted in my 2018 article on limerence, Tom falls in love with the “idea” of Summer, moreso than who she really is, as is often the case with people in toxic limerence. Summer is not looking for a serious relationship, so Tom agrees to a casual “situationship” where they grow closer until arguments ensue due to Summer not being able to commit. After they break up, Tom finds out Summer is engaged to someone else. He goes on dates and talks about Summer, takes up drinking, and falls into a deep depression. At the end of the movie, he then meets another woman Autumn, who first declines his invitation for a date, only to later agree, suggesting that this toxic cycle of limerence may just begin again with another woman. 500 Days of Summer captures the devastation of limerence, but also shares a powerful life lesson for viewers: the character of Summer is able to commit when she finds “the one” and felt “sure” about that person. If someone isn’t committing to you, you’d be better off being the “one that got away” rather than lowering your standards to try to get them to change. Do not reward a noncommittal person with your presence; let them have your absence. That way, you don’t waste time and energy on someone who only sees your worth and value when you’re not around.
Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy
Jamie Dornan plays the elusive Christen Grey, a 27-year-old billionaire entrepreneur. When her roommate falls sick and is unable to interview Christian, Anastasia Steele (played by Dakota Johnson) steps in, and quickly falls in limerence with the Christian, who tells her outright he is “not the man for her,” because she professes to be a romantic. However, Ana continues to pursue him, calling him to rescue her during a drunk night out with her friends. Christian becomes jealous of her friend hitting on her, “rescues” Ana and tells her she must sign a non-disclosure agreement if they want to continue seeing each other. Anastasia Steele may think she’s met the man of her dreams, but it’s clear she’s in limerence with someone who is emotionally unavailable, pushes her away only to pull her back, and holds dark secrets – and requires a contract just to engage with her. Red flags, much? Christian introduces Ana into a dark world of sadomasochistic pleasure (though some would argue that it is more pain than pleasure in this series because a lot of it feels more coercive than consensual), and basically tries to coerce her into being a submissive even though she is uncomfortable. Unlike most people in limerence, Anastasia comes to recognize that his emotional unavailability, possessiveness, and unwillingness to engage in a real intimate relationship with her is a red flag and tries to leave in the first film. However, throughout the movie series, Ana falls again into Christian’s pursuit of her, only to discover that he has had other “submissives” in the past with whom he never wanted more with. Fifty Shades of Grey is a toxic fantasy of limerence where despite all the red flags the couple comes together in some form of commitment, but it is a dangerous one that is romanticized. Christian Grey teaches viewers that if someone is that emotionally unavailable and averse to commitment, they are probably not a healthy partner for anyone, and should be left alone to their own healing.
He’s Just Not That Into You
A cautionary movie about what happens when limerence goes too far featuring several characters who “just don’t get it,” He’s Just Not That Into You provides disturbing illustrations of characters who are in limerence with emotionally unavailable men. Whether it’s Gigi who overestimates the romantic interest of her dates, or Janine who forced her husband Ben to marry her through an ultimatum (while Ben is cheating on Janine with yoga instructor Anna), or Beth who tries to persuade her boyfriend Neil to marry her, these are the extremes of limerence where women suffer the consequences of continually choosing the man who do not choose them. Janine is devastated to learn about her husband’s infidelity yet tries to reconcile and seduce him – in one shocking scene, she arrives in lingerie at her husband’s office to have sex, while his mistress, Anna, is hiding in the closet, and listens to them having sex. Anna, too, learns she is also not being “chosen” by being an affair partner. At the end of the movie, Janine does eventually ask for a divorce, and another one of the characters, Beth, finally realizes that after seven years together, her boyfriend Neil never intended to marry her. These stories offer a frightening warning: if you waste years on choosing people who do not choose you, you will be inevitably betrayed and exploited. Those in situationships or relationships with commitmentphobic and emotionally unavailable people, take heed. You won’t need to give ultimatums to people who deserve you. If you’re going to spend precious years of your life doing anything, do so investing in yourself.
