27. He had inserted chess pieces subcutaneously into his penis.
“Former ER Nurse here. Had a newly released convict that came to my ER because ‘It really hurts when I do it with my old lady.’ This man had taken chess pieces—that’s right, chess pieces, and inserted them subcutaneously into the shaft of his penis. On exam his penis was a swollen, red and purple, infected grapefruit. When asked why he would do something like that to himself, his response was ‘because my old lady likes it, she says it feels good for her…you know, when we do it.’ Out of curiosity I asked him which chess piece. He didn’t recall, but he said it was ‘for sure one of the black ones.’ He was admitted to the hospital for surgical debridement and foreign body removal. I followed up on him some days afterwards and apparently he had to have significant portions of his penis removed, too. That’s checkmate.”
28. He tripped and fell straight down onto a can of shaving cream.
About six months ago I had a 16 year old male come in with chief complaint of, ‘Rectal problem.’ He goes on to tell me that he had been innocently cleaning his room before school, when he tripped and fell ass-down straight on a can of shaving cream that had been sitting upright on his bed, ripping his underwear in the process. As he was a minor, he was accompanied by a parent, which just so uncomfortably happened to be his mom.
After he goes into great detail in explaining just how random this fluke accident was, I looked at him with furrowed brow for a few seconds, then to his mom, then back to him, and back to her… She completely believed it. That it was possible for an entire can of shaving cream to be in her son’s rectum, from him tripping and sitting on his bed. Where this thing just so happened to be standing upright. Perhaps she was just trying to convince her heart of hearts that this is what actually happened, but damn if she wasn’t doing a great fucking job of it.
We ended up having to call general surgery. This is usually the case when such an object can’t just be easily pulled out, which is why they’re there in the first place.
There’s also the lady that came in with an ‘energy crystal’ stuck in her vagina because she had to be up for an extended period of time for something or other. It was only after I pulled out what looked like one of those rocks you’d polish in a rock tumbler when you were a kid that I realized she wasn’t talking about meth.
The ER is a weird place.”
29. He came in with a trailer ball stuck inside his rectum.
“1st visit: Patient arrived with dildo stuck inside. X-ray showed the outline perfectly.
…3 weeks goes by…
2nd visit: Patient arrived again with trailer ball hitch stuck inside. X ray showed the outline perfectly. His wife said this was the last time they try anything anal on him. (as she winked). I am still waiting for the couple to show up; it is only a matter of time.”
30. He was hunting in the woods and somehow got a bullet-shaped dildo stuck in his rectum.
“I had to deal with a patient who somehow got a bullet-shaped dildo (too big to be a bullet but too small to be a true dildo, it was about 4 inches long?) stuck way the fuck up his rectum. His story was he was hunting in the woods and took a bullet in the gut…I was just shaking my head the whole time we were doing X-rays at that barely even half-assed story.
