17. He was known by the staff as ‘broom closet.’
“Dude came in with perforated intestines. My friend who was in medical school at the time chuckled at that diagnosis, saying (rightly so) that use of the word ‘perforated’ is a fair bit of an understatement. Patient claims he was cleaning naked and fell on the broom handle. He was known by the staff as ‘Broom Closet.’”
18. He said he ‘accidentally sat on an inflated balloon.’
“Dude #1 says he ‘accidentally sat on an inflated balloon’ and it went up his ass. Tried to pop it with bamboo skewers. Perforated his sigmoid several times and wound up with a whopping abdominal infection. Dude #2 Liked to stick the inside of a Bic pen down the wang and jack it. Ended up losing it and it migrated to the bladder. Claimed he was trying to clear an obstruction because he couldn’t pee. Saw him two different times for this.”
19. ‘Oh those are just Skittles. My boyfriend likes the taste.’
“Aside from the barrage of household items sucked into the lower intestines of various men claiming they were straight and ‘please don’t tell my wife,’ one of the most memorable foreign body moments was a woman who came into our ER complaining of pelvic pain. Well, that means you just signed up for a pelvic exam, all of which are performed by a doctor with a nurse also present to assist (me). The patient assumed the position, Doctor began the exam, run of the mill stuff, then says, ‘Oh… Nurse, could you hand me a specimen cup?’ I had her one, and the doctor asks the patient, ‘Did you happen to insert anything into your vagina recently? You have some funny colored discharge and small pebble sized objects I’m removing…’ The patient doesn’t miss a beat and says, ‘Oh, those are just Skittles. That’s nothing new, I always put them in there because my boyfriend likes the taste. That whole “taste the rainbow” thing.” She had no idea that her self-inflicted candy-coated vagina, which she had been doing daily for the last week, was the cause of her discomfort.
To clarify, the “straight” comment I made above was in reference to the responses some men would say as an explanation—as in, ‘of course it was an accident, I’m straight and married!’ It wasn’t meant as a personal reflection or commentary. Sorry for any confusion.” 
20. He got four feet of oxygen tubing up his ass before he couldn’t shove anymore.
“I worked as a circulating nurse in the OR and once was called in the middle of the night to remove oxygen tubing from a 10 yo. He had about 4 feet in before he couldn’t shove anymore. I was curious and asked, he said, ‘It’s my form of masturbation, it feels good.’ Only if he saw how the doc removed it.
Prisoners are always good ones. Usually just do it to get out of jail/prison. I’ve seen staples, pen caps, the inside of a Bic pen bent in half in a ‘V’ shape, small angle in first. Also pencils, paper clips, pieces of broken plastic eating utensils, and rolled-up paper.
Had a guy get a butt plug stuck in rectum, claimed he didn’t know how it got there.”
