Lauren Jarvis-Gibson

Yourself, because you are the only you in the world.

Truly hate yourself. Eat too much junk food. Stop exercising. Treat yourself like shit. Then, learn how to survive the hatred. Learn how to hate yourself so much, that you hit rock bottom. Then learn how to climb that mountain and come out from the other side better and stronger.

It’s incredibly hard for you to concentrate on tasks you have to do and things you need to complete. It’s also hard for you to concentrate on conversations and work meetings because the racing thoughts running through your mind overpower everything else. 

If I had never met you, I would not know what love was. 

I’m ready for you to be my past. Not my now. Not my future. Not my present.

I’d rather have a muffin top than to go on a awful date that makes me want to throw up. I’d rather gain a few pounds than be with someone who doesn’t love me in the same way. I’d rather eat alone in my apartment, then go through a really awkward and anxiety inducing date. 

Spend too much money on sparkly things that promise to make you feel beautiful. Buy red lipstick even thought it doesn’t make you look like Marilyn Monroe. Buy more highlighters because no one will know you’re suffering if you’re glowing and shining right?

The love you need to wait for will never knock you down. It may bend from time to time and crack when the wind picks up, but it will never break.

I remember it all like it was yesterday. You not fighting for me. You listening to me cry. You saying nothing. You shying away from my light. You not being the man that I thought you were. You giving up on us. You giving up on me.

Looks fade. Wrinkles arrive. Sickness comes. Death comes. And for me, life is too short for me to waste my time on almost loves and fake relationships. 

Get your priorities straight. Put your heart back into first place. Promise yourself that you’ll stop putting your heart on the line. Promise yourself you’ll stop exposing your heart to people like that. And promise that next time you find someone with a devilish smile and a way with words that sounds too good to be true, follow your gut.

But don’t be scared of finding something real. Don’t be scared of having feelings. Don’t be scared of true love. It’s real. And it’s going to happen. You just have to hold out. To wait. To hope. And to believe. To believe in it. And to believe that you, deserve it. 

You see, the thing about anxiety is that, it makes me love myself. Even through the dark days where I feel like I’m dying. Even with all the panic attacks and ER visits. It makes me proud of myself for being able to go throughout my day to day life without collapsing.

For the age of 28, you will have a major crisis and nervous breakdown about feeling like you’re incredibly behind in everything. All your friends are engaged or married or they have children. And all you want to do is be like them. But you’re wired differently.

You don’t need that guy or that girl or that ex. You don’t need someone else who already left to make you feel good. You don’t need his love. You don’t need his heart or his soul or his mind. You do not need their guidance.

For me, dating is an entire world of anxiety. What do I wear? What if he takes me home? What if he kills me? What if I have nothing to say? Do I write notes in my phone for discussion topics? What if I choke and I die while he’s talking about his cute dogs to me?

I need to let them go. I need to let all that negativity go. And so do you. And after you do, please forgive yourself. You will never please everybody in this world. Not everyone in this world will love you. But at least you can love yourself.

One day you will back at those terrible experiences and be grateful it happened.