Halloween didn’t stand a chance with twentysomethings. It was made to be perverted and freaky. Today, just going trick-or-treating sounds ridiculously twee. “Oh my god, let’s get candy and stay up all night getting a sugar high and watching scary movies!”
Originally, I planned to live out the boho dream in Vancouver, but because it wasn’t boho enough and I forgot to do a teaching qualification before I left and ended up working in a supermarket, I relocated to Berlin. Which was too boho. I gave up my life of artistic poverty a year later, when it became clear you actually had to live in poverty.
Pop Rocks: Pro: Classmates fawn over you when they’re in your mouth. Con: Head explodes if mixed with soda. Victory Candy Cigarettes: Pro: Look like a boss. Con: Head shakes and eye rolls from strangers.
The Halloween Walk of Shame is a uniquely odd experience, and I’ve talked to other people who have done it… To wake up, stinking of tequila, next to a half-dressed witch, and then you don’t remember her name… And then, in order to leave, you have to replace your ninja costume that you chucked on the floor last night. Well, it’s like layers of Who Am I? on top of layers of Who Am I?
You’ll feel old when you don’t care about staying in on the weekend, when you cancel on your friends and they don’t care, either. You used to need a real excuse to sit out on a Friday, “I’m sick,” or “I’m going away this weekend,” but now all you have to say is, “I’m old as hell and I can’t go out two nights in a row without vomiting,” and no one will argue with that.