AMA! (Ask Molly Anything!) is a compassionate but candid advice column from Molly Burford, author of Moments To Hold Close. Need advice? Fill out this Google Form and spill the tea. All queries will be kept anonymous.
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Hi Molly,
I like someone a lot and want to give it an honest go, but we both can’t date at the moment because of career issues that need to be taken care of for the next six months approximately. Is it alright to wait for said person? Because, at least for me, I think there is a possibility it can be worth the wait.
The truth is that I won’t be able to do justice to both my career and said person right now. It’s kind of the same for him, so we’re no contact. But I’m so afraid of the future uncertainty, to find at the end of everything that I might be the only one waiting with my feelings. I don’t have anyone else in mind right now and my career requires my undivided focus so I can’t indulge in anything else.
Sincerely,
Surrendering control to the universe is so frightening!
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Hey, Surrendering!
Hope is such a funny thing, isn’t it? On one hand, hope is utterly necessary for this whole being alive thing, but it can also be rather hindering if administered incorrectly. In this particular scenario, I worry you would be misplacing your hope were you to wait for this person during these next six months. And please, please, please stick with me here for a second, Surrendering, because I know that might not be what you wanted to hear.
I totally get that this person is just bursting with promise and that there is so much beautiful potential on the horizon when it comes to what could blossom between you both after this time spent apart. However, by focusing on the what-ifs, you neglect the present moment of what-is. And what is happening currently is that you both cannot give what is necessary to nurture a new relationship because of your respective careers.
Now, you may be thinking that merely waiting for someone else could not possibly take away focus or energy from your professional endeavors. The time will pass anyway, right? So, why not hang tight? Here’s the thing, though: waiting, especially when it comes to your heart, is not a passive act at all. Because waiting requires active participation. Waiting demands your awareness of the time and of your surroundings. It is not dissimilar to waiting at a train station for a scheduled ride. While you have purchased the tickets, you still had to plan your whole day around the train’s schedule and coordinate it with your own. Sacrifices were most likely made only on your end, right? You also had to figure out how you were getting to the train station in the first place and to make sure you were on time for its departure. You waiting for this person and for the “right timing” is sort of like that, only you may be waiting for a train that may never come around.
But mostly, and what I believe could turn most unhealthy, is that waiting for this person would also mean trying to keep your feelings alive. Since you two have decided to go no contact, it would be up to you and you alone to feed the fire. The truth is that without any level of communication and seeing one another, bridging true intimacy will be impossible. You would simply be basing your feelings on the idea of them, not on who they actually are.
You need to use this time period exactly for its intended purpose: figuring out your career. Because if the issue of being together is truly circumstantial due to your jobs, once all is sorted, things should fall into place. And if they don’t? Then you can find peace in knowing it wasn’t the right person, wrong time; it was just the wrong person altogether.
I hope this helps.
