19. Eighties Nostalgia
8 years old, almost 9, It was my birthday in a week and I was all hyped up because I thought we were going to go out for pizza later that day. In those days, it was a big deal. Wtf was $5 pizza? This was 1987 and Round Table Pizza was better than God. Anywho, strolled right into my parents’ room. My mom and dad, butt ass nekkid on the bed in the middle of making the beast with two backs. Except, not two backs. Three. One of mom’s friends striding mid-step into the master bath like ninja fast. Mom’s on the bed, straddling, and oh god what a matted mess. Dad right behind her, also straddling. Lock eyes with mom, and in a valiant attempt to diffuse whatever shock I was in, decides she’s gonna play it cool. She leans forward, drops a fairly epic sized double ended dildo, grabs my dad’s feet, picks them up and starts singing “row, row, row your boat.”
Obviously, I screamed like a banshee and ran for my life. Almost 40, still can’t go camping without flashbacks.
20. Mom, The Hypocrite
I walked in on my mom watching the “Anal Princess vol 2” tape she had confiscated from me the day before… :(
No, I never got my tape back.
I also never again caught shade for watching porn.
21. Answering the call light
I worked as a CNA in a long-term care facility. A call light was going off so I entered the room to find an old man with a Foley catheter jacking it in his wife’s face. They both yelled at me for going in the room, even though the call light was on. It was just a weird sight to behold.
When I was about 13 years old, I ran inside from playing touch football with my friends to go to the bathroom. I really had to piss. Now I’m not much of a sportsman–I just liked to play for the fun of hanging out with my friends–but my step-brother was a real shut-in. He rarely bathed, had a long greasy mullet, and always wore his jean jacket that had a Metallica patch ironed onto the back.
We were the same age, by the way.
So I run upstairs and throw open the door…and stop dead in my tracks. The toilet was in one corner of the room, and the sink was next to it about an arm’s length away. There squatted my step-brother, bracing his body weight on the sink and the back of the toilet. Between his legs stood the plunger suctioned to the linoleum floor. The end of the plunger was up his ass.