Now, Sketchers as we knew them are a thing of the past. Instead, toddlers can get their Diane Von Furstenberg fix at Gap, and grow out of it two weeks later. Oscar de la Renta designs for children. A baby walked in a Chanel runway show. I can’t even afford Chanel lipstick.
If you watched Rocko’s Modern Life as a child, I’m certain you were too youthful and naïve to fully appreciate the adult jokes and innuendo that the cartoon was chock-full of.
Some people aren’t good at doing sports or have trouble understanding how to do math. Maybe this is my weak spot. Maybe I just legitimately don’t know how to be in a relationship with someone.
They refuse to communicate what is wrong, any time that something is wrong, until whatever was wrong blows up five months later into something that is much worse than the argument that might have ensued had they just accepted your invitation to talk about it in the first place.
If you’re dating a writer and they don’t write about you — whether it’s good or bad — then they don’t love you. They just don’t.
They don’t respect your time. Right NOW is the opportune moment for that tedious task/remodeling project/huge argument, damn it, screw your econ exam or flight that leaves in two hours.
Some idiot once told you that it was good for your plants if you put your butts into the soil, and you want a cigarette bad enough to retrieve even these molding spent cigs, turning some shade between green and blue.
After all, that’s what’s oddly inspiring about Fred Durst’s lyrics — you could have written them, but you didn’t. It’s like patting yourself on the back for not crapping your pants.
You just found me in the wrong universe. That’s all. This is, as they say, the darkest timeline. Everywhere else, nay, “everywhen” else — us in the Civil War, us in Ancient Egypt, us in the swinging ’60s — we are happy.
When you were young, people would gather at parties to watch you imbibe and exclaim, How does he keep on drinking without getting drunk or sick? This was your training ground.
People with kind hearts make me feel dirty. Like I need to give my personality a bath or something. Rub it clean of my neuroses and judgments. But that’s a good thing. When someone inspires you to take a long hard look at yourself and question all of your bad habits, they’re someone worth keeping around.
Just to give you an idea how awful of an investment the lottery is, here are a few things you have better odds of than winning it: 1. Odds of dying from parts falling off of an airplane…
But let’s be honest — it’s kind of weird. Most ASMR-ers are in the closet about this, because how in the world would you interject it into a conversation?
When I first heard this song, I thought to myself “This is so dumb. WTF?” Then I began to involuntarily move my body back and forth and before I knew it, I was dancing! “Damn you, homosexuality!” I screamed at the ceiling. “Damn you all to hell!” You know a song is really gay when, despite its idiocy, you find yourself dancing your ass off to it.
Listen, I want you to truly appreciate my sustained effort to pretend to be a reasonable human being. I’ve gone days without texting you, multiple days without texting you, three whole days without texting you. The cumulative willpower illustrated by this should leave your mind utterly boggled, exceedingly boggled.
Some of us are here looking for love. Some of us are here looking for sex. Some of us are here looking for a simple date, a way to pass the time in this swamp full of transients. Many would take any one of the three, depending on the difficulty of the day and the phase of the moon…
Sometimes, when in situations like these, you find yourself in a conversation where the rules are that you have to keep making up these clever little witticisms to stay in the conversation. It is like a verbal game of ping pong.
The Chainsmoker is equal parts gross and impressive. They’re that person who lights their next cigarette with the cherry of their last one. They’re the person you don’t even bother asking, “Didn’t you just have one?”