The 8 Gayest Songs To Ever Exist

1.”Got Your Number” by Nadia Oh featuring Space Cowboy

When I first heard this song, I thought to myself “This is so dumb. WTF?” Then I began to involuntarily move my body back and forth and before I knew it, I was dancing! “Damn you, homosexuality!” I screamed at the ceiling. “Damn you all to hell!” You know a song is really gay when, despite its idiocy, you find yourself dancing your ass off to it.

2. “Dancing On My Own” by Robyn

Robyn has gay dudes by the cock ring. I don’t know what it is exactly about her music but gay men go INSANE over it. It’s like she has a voice that only we can hear because everyone else who isn’t gay is just kind of like “Wait, who’s Robyn?” I personally don’t get the appeal. I find her songs to be kind of boring but, then again, what the hell do I know? I still consider The Cocteau Twins to be a new artist, so whatever.

3. “Vogue” by Madonna

This song sounds like two rainbows sucking each other off. I approve.

4.”Get Naked (I Got A Plan)” by Britney Spears

All of Britney Spears’ music sounds like a giant gay orgy but this one takes the penis-shaped cake. She sounds like a stoned zombie (this was during the Blackout era, after all!) and she basically gives up on singing halfway through the track, choosing to just moan and chat “GET NAKED!” instead. The gays don’t mind though. When you’re listening to it in the club with some cute guy, the song is practically laying the groundwork for your hook up.

5.”You Made Me Gay” by Gravy Train!!!!

Gravy Train!!!! was a short-lived but memorable electro band based out of San Francisco that were just like the gayest thing ever. I had the good fortune of seeing them live a few times in San Francisco and L.A.. The two gay dudes in the band, Hunx and Junx, would invariably strip completely naked and dance around on stage with their dicks flopping about. The whole thing just felt like the biggest gay dance party ever. It was awesome.

6.”Keep On Living” by Le Tigre

The first time I heard “Keep On Living” — the ultimate self-acceptance anthem by Le Tigre — I was seventeen and still in the closet. Hearing those lyrics “This is your time. This is your life.” repeated over and over again honestly made me tear up a bit. There’s an overwhelming tenderness to this track that practically makes “Born This Way” and every other gay anthem that followed it sound like a hate crime. When I finally came out my senior year of high school, this became my theme song. (And the bio on my Livejournal.)

7. “Countdown” by Beyoncé

I’m only including this song because Beyoncé is making me. She sensed I was writing this post all the way from her loft in Tribeca and now she’s taken over my body. Like I’m not even typing right now. Beyoncé is. Rude…

8.”Faith” by George Michael

One time I was at a party in the Hollywood Hills that was taking place in someone’s fancy backyard. The mood was super casual and L.A. summer breezy until, at some point in the evening, a gay dude in a tank top just got into his convertible, which was facing the backyard, and started to play the beginning of “Faith.” I wasn’t sure what it was at first because it’s just that sound of the organ playing, but right when George Michael came on to sing “Well, I guess it would be nice…” all the guests cheered and then the dude PEELED out of the driveway. Skidmarks and everything. The whole thing made no sense whatsoever and was probably one of the gayest things that’s ever happened to me. (Besides dick in the butt and crying during the movie Weekend.)

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