Brad Pike

When he pulled a gun from his waistband and jabbed it to my belly, I thought it was a phone.

This is my nightmare. A dimly lit room, congested with strangers, forced to watch professional baseball.

First, I just want to thank you for all the pamphlets you’ve already sent me.

Schools vary on what constitutes a “gifted student”; the children who, as their icy brilliance matures, will grow into our corporate overseers and financially relevant humans.

Though only 6 seconds long, Paris Hilton’s vines are dense with meaning and evocative imagery ripe for interpretation. In this first—and possibly last—installment, I will examine 5 of the earliest ones.

Popeyes is the Lord our God, and He loves you very much.

This holiday season, you have a difficult decision when it comes to what film to go see with your family.

1. Wrapping Paper There is nothing, nothing, worse than running out of wrapping paper. In some cases, you have to resort to covering your family’s treasured retail items in newspaper. “Positively gauche, father,” your son will say.