We need food to live, but did you know most of what you eat is poison, that every mouthful floods your veins with toxins, brings you ever closer to death? Modern humans are little more than swollen fleshy poison bags, walking the earth, suckling more poison via commercial “food” dispensaries. If you could wring out your body like a sponge, inky black fluid would gush out, contaminants from a lifetime of Standard American Diet (SAD).
Your burger is cancer fertilizer. Your cake is diabetes stimulus. And even if you eat a healthy diet, you are still submerged in toxic people who, via cruelty and casual disregard, incite cellular degeneration. There’s no escape from the poison.
Eggs should be good for you, right? Packed with protein and vitamin D, often used in salads, a breakfast staple for decades and—NO THEY’RE POISON. A recent study found that eggs are about as bad for you as smoking in terms of heart disease, increasing carotid wall thickness (a standard measure for heart disease risk) by nearly as much as someone who smokes regularly. It makes sense since a single egg yolk has 200mg of cholesterol and the daily limit is 300mg, and I mean, who only has one egg at breakfast?
I usually eat four or five eggs to speed up my body’s rate of decay. “Just die,” I whisper with each spoonful of cheesy eggs. “Just let it happen please. Please. Please God, let this end.”
Fish can’t be bad for you. It has fish oil, low fat, omega 3 fatty acids, and the American Heart Association recommends eating two fish per week, so you should definitely—NO IT’S POISON. Farm raised fish, fattened on grain diets, have high amounts of omega 6, a pro-inflammatory fatty acid. Tilapia and catfish fed on soy and corn pellets can actually have higher fat content than doughnuts, hamburgers, and bacon. And larger fish like marlin contain so much mercury they’re dangerous for pregnant women and children to eat due to the potential for developmental disorders; even regular people can develop memory problems, tremors, vision trouble, etc.
So is your fish healthy or deadly poison? It could be safe nutritious fish like trout or salmon, BUT NO IT’S DEFINITELY POISON.
What, no! How could cheese be bad when it provides for strong bones and teeth (calcium), facilitates pregnancy (not conception; don’t be weird), tastes good, and is just all around POISON IT’S POISON IT WILL FLOOD YOUR INSIDES WITH DEATH.
Contrary to popular belief, calcium isn’t as great at preventing bone fractures as previously thought, and in fact, countries with the lowest rates of dairy consumption also have the lowest rates of osteoporosis. Cheese — and dairy in general — with its saturated fat content and high calories (even a thin slice usually has 100 calories) is linked to obesity, heart disease, irritable bowel syndrome, and even prostate cancer. Eating cheese is like drinking from one of those fancy grails at the end of Indie Jones 3.
I use brown rice in practically every meal I make, partially because I heard brown rice was healthier than white but mostly because it’s a cheap way to quiet tummy gurgles. On the back of the bag, a little info box says brown rice lowers my risk of heart disease and certain cancers, that U.S. Dietary Guidelines recommends 3-6 servings of grains per day, and hey, who can go wrong with rice? It’s the most basic food for practically the whole world—AND IT’S POISON POISON POISON.
Because of pesticides in the soil, rice contains huge quantities of inorganic arsenic, especially brown rice because the residues concentrate in the outer shell of the grain. Arsenic is what the Borgias used to poison enemies. It’s used to kill bugs and rats. And with all the rice I eat, my tissues must be soaked in the stuff. Good.
Growing up, my dad would have a steak and a whole bottle of wine for dinner every night, then stare off at a black television screen, silent, dead eyed, imagining a world where I’d never been born. He’s still chugging along, powered by the vast herds of cattle he’s ingested, unwilling or unable to allow any physical decline. So maybe red meat’s protein really does help build muscle, fortify tissues, and—NO IT’S POISON DEADLY LETHAL FATAL POISON.
In a 20 year study of 110,000 adults, eating a bit of meat the size of a card deck every day increased the chances of death during the study by 13%. An extra serving of meat like a hot dog or a couple slices of bacon increased it by 20%. Previous studies have associated red meat consumption with heart disease, diabetes, and cancer.
Well, it’s a relief to know there’s a reliable healthy alternative to all these toxic processed foods. Turns out all those Whole Foods shoppers really do know better, will live longer happier lives with their families and—JUST KIDDING IT’S POISON.
Organic food, because it’s grown with manure, is 8 times more likely to make you sick with E. coli than regular, um, inorganic food. It’s also more likely to contain salmonella, carcinogenic toxins produced by fungi, and other bacteria. ALL FOOD EACH AND EVERY FOOD IS POISON.
No, not water. Water can’t be poison. It can’t possibly — YES IT IS POISON. Tap water contains fluoride, which has been shown to damage soft tissues (e.g. the brain, kidneys, endocrine system) as well as teeth and bones. It also contains chlorine, which in some studies has been shown to cause breast cancer in women.
So it’s all poison. You are drowning in a toxic soup, choking the life out of you from the moment you’re born to the moment you prematurely die of colon cancer. The air is full of smog, the water full of fertilizer runoff, and the food saturated with toxic chemicals. The healthiest option I can see is to never be born, to float in the ethereal plane of potentiality where no one ever lives or dies, where all are safe from the unbearable horrors of existing in a world made of poison. Mm, one can dream.