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New Rules For 2012

No cell phone conversations lasting longer than 30 seconds anywhere that people are forced to listen — on the bus, on the train, on the plane, in the checkout lane. It’s a pain. Refrain.

8 Signs It’s PMS And Not A Worrisome New Mental Illness

Why are they suddenly challenging every word that comes out of your mouth and condescending to you? Why is their laughter so grating? Why would they go get Diet Coke for themselves and not offer to get you one when they KNOW you are wearing pinchy shoes and thus restricting walking activity?

Anatomy Of A Trip To Whole Foods

I admit to myself that I am powerless over pyramids of overpriced, pretentious produce, and also that I am a cook only in my head, not in real life, which is where all of the food I buy rots away. I swear off Whole Foods forever.

How To Effectively Communicate With Me

Start your sentence with “Look.” Make sure I can really hear the period at the end. It makes the muscles in my neck clench, so I can hold my head up and make meaningful eye contact with you, and eye contact creates trust and intimacy.

Geographic Cure

The geographic cure is so tempting. Who would I be in Brooklyn, in New Orleans, in Galway or Madison or back behind the bar? Freelancing? Would I be thinner, more self-confident, better pedigreed, the kind of person who spent 20 minutes on her hair every morning?

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