Thought Catalog

Six Different Types Of 35-Year-Old Men

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1. The Unicorn

The Unicorn is totally normal and well-adjusted. He has a good job, and makes a decent living, but is not a workaholic. He likes his family, but doesn’t live with them. He is funny, and well-informed, and cooks a mean pasta bolognese. He has friends from all periods of his life with whom he is still in touch. He is not an alcoholic, drug abuser, or porn addict. He reads. He is easy on the eyes, or even hot. He is taller than you. The Unicorn longs wistfully to meet his special someone, to lay his head in your lap to watch HBO on Sunday night after a weekend full of chores and friends and family, and to wake up with you on Monday mornings in perpetuity.

The most important thing to know about The Unicorn is that, as his name implies, he does not exist.

2.  The Married Guy

Look away from The Married Guy. He is either faithful, in which case you should concentrate your energy on trying not to hate his wife for her obscene good fortune, or cheating, in which case you should concentrate your energy on hoping he falls down and breaks his ankle, at a minimum. Either way, he is not for you. Don’t give him a chance to flirt with you, even at a wedding; it will only erode your faith in humanity that much more.

The most important thing to know about The Married Guy is that he is already married and therefore nonexistent, as far as you’re concerned.

3. The Eeyore

Poor Eeyore. Some woman done him wrong, and he can’t get over it. Maybe it was a divorce, maybe just a non-contractual broken heart, but either way he can’t love again because it just hurts. too. much. He sure can mope, though. He lives somewhere grim and bland, with unadorned white walls and no headboard. The bulk of his emotional energy goes to nursing his great scabby wound, carefully enlarging it day by day. Eeyore may perk up for a bit when he meets you, because even forlorn people get horny, but he can’t be happy with you long-term because he cannot be happy. If your cup of love and affection truly runneth over, feel free to unload some into the gaping maw of Eeyore’s unhappiness. You won’t get it back, but perhaps that will lighten the load for the rest of your journey.

The most important thing to know about Eeyore is that you can’t fix him, but you can waste a lot of time trying. No seriously, you can’t fix him. For real.

4. The Peter Pan

Oh, Peter. He is so cute in those tights. His childlike enthusiasm for life helps you unearth the old, fun you, who stayed up drinking until the bars closed and talking until the sun came up. Sadly the old you, like the current Peter, did not have a job that required leading staff meetings at 9 a.m. At some point in your relationship with Peter, you will remember the benefits of 8 hours of sleep and sufficient hydration, and you will gradually become the buzzkill who starts tapping her foot impatiently when Peter orders another round at 10 p.m. on a Tuesday, or worse yet the fuming harpy lying rigid with fury as you wait for him to stumble into the house at last call.

The most important thing to know about The Peter Pan is that he can’t resist something shiny, and eventually you will become dull, what with the desire to sleep at night and the full-time job. Best chance with Peter is to meet him when you are 25 and perhaps grow up together. Wave bon voyage to that ship, for it has sailed.

5. Mr. Saturday Night

Mr. Saturday Night is a big success. He has a closet full of Ben Sherman shirts and if he doesn’t yet own a bespoke suit, rest assured that he soon will. Mr. Saturday Night smells good and drives a nice car, which he valet-parks with assurance at trendy restaurants. He owns a well-furnished condo in a high-rise, with black leather modular furniture and an unused kitchen. With his carefully mussed hair, gym membership, and backslapping affability, Mr. Saturday Night is half overgrown frat boy and half metrosexual, but all narcissist. He’s a good date if you like wearing heels and drinking martinis in places that are always a bit too loud, and don’t mind spending weeknights alone while he works late and gladhands with business associates.

The most important thing to know about Mr. Saturday Night is that he will look almost as good at 45 as he does at 35, and it’s then that he will marry the smart, attractive, and blonde-highlighted type of 30-year-old that you were five years ago.

6. The Braying Ass

Not to be confused with poor Eeyore, The Braying Ass is single at 35 for reasons that he can’t quite discern but you readily can. He condescends to waiters, interrupts your sentences, elicits a weary if wincing acceptance from colleagues, and has a little too much body hair to be overlooked in light of his other bad traits. The Braying Ass subscribes to Maxim. He is confident for no good reason. He is a little too close to his mother, who loves him with a fierce and unsettling passion. He has an annoying, honking laugh, but nice eyes and a good heart.

The most important thing to know about The Braying Ass is that he is not ideal, but he actually looks pretty good in some lights. Some of his bad traits are just habits that can be reversed in time, but some run far deeper, and you will be cringing about them at dinner parties ten years from now. Make that 40 years if your kids inherit them. TC mark

image – Shutterstock
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  • Seikel

    I’m totally the unicorn! I just live in the rural ruralness of rural Oklahoma.  And I’m only 31.

    • Katie

      Show us your rainbow ponytail to prove it! 

      • Seikel

        Now all I can think about is Tim and Eric CandyTails.

      • Anonymous

        literally the most disgusting thing ever

      • Seikel

        Sucking on your hair just got even grosser!

      • Michael Koh


  • brian burke

    jesus these articles are so depressing

  • Anonymous

    oh god nooo i refuse to believe shit is this bleak

  • Alison

    I am excited about content by/for peoples who passed their college years years ago.

  • guest

    ciara flynn is one type of terrible writer 

    • jrdnprr

      thanks for contributing “guest”

  • Kai

    No, no, Eeyore just needs a LITTLE more time and then all my patience will be rewarded and he’ll be so appreciative that I’ve been here to help him through this fucking misery.

    Oh, he IS better already and with a really nice girl who doesn’t know about what an ass he’s been for the last few years? Oh ok. I’m so glad that worked out for him.

    No, I’m not mad. I’m just so glad that I was there to provide support and friendship (and occasional sex) as he got through this horrible time. And I don’t regret at ALL putting my eggs in this stupid fucking basket that makes me hate all eggs and baskets.

    Excuse me, I’ll just be over here being Eeyore for the next while.

    • Anonymous

      I’m a Eeyore girl myself.

      • Kai

        I don’t think we’re supposed to say “daddy issues” anymore, so I’m blaming my next failed relationship on Eeyore issues.

  • Kat

    Did anyone else get served an ad for engagement rings at the end of that article? 

  • Doomeddoctor

    Either u get what u want in life….or make a list that can satisfy one’s insatiable fancies.

  • Paul S

    I like to think of myself as a “unicorn” and if you go down the list, objectively, I am. My problem, however, is that I’m looking for the female equivalent of the unicorn…

    • Kyle Angeletti

      Don’t we all, Paul S. 

  • Braying Ass

    31 isn’t 35, Seikel.

  • Kyle Angeletti

    Ciara, your writing on this site is totally refreshing. I like that you’re an adult and ok with it. 

    This was hilarious. 

    • Anonymous

      Thank you. I really appreciate that.

  • Brian M

    I really like your two articles I’ve read. :-)

    • Anonymous

      Thank you!

  • Blaireliza

    I know a few Unicorns. It’s too bad they’re not into women…

    • Lkj

      adlgsbojsdlgoalwRSmdflkgds loves it

  • Cipher213

    Unicorns exist, they just don’t date chicks with such depressing worldviews.

  • Kmodek

    What about the divorced and bitter guy, or the divorced guy who won’t date again because he thinks he has to reach some kind of self-imposed impossible goal before he’ll date again? ( like everything in his life has to be in line again, money, work, etc.).

  • mutterhals

    I dated a unicorn once. He was hung but man did his breath stink. *ba dum bum*

  • Cake

    Any true Unicorn probably doesn’t even realize how amazing they are. 

    • Kai

      Truth. The same way nice guys never say, “I’m such a nice guy, why aren’t I getting laid?”

  • Joshua Logan

    I just had to laugh out loud at the unicorn caveat because I thought I was reading about myself but to my surprise I don’t actually exist!

    • 'Sup

      well, they don’t exist as far as 35-year-old women are concerned. those types date 21-year-olds.

      • It_if_it_is


  • It_if_it_is

    The bulk of his emotional energy goes to nursing his great scabby wound

    how the fuck would you, a woman,  know? stopped reading here

    • Cole Armstrong

      +1 like for what I hope is brilliant sarcasm

    • Dude Huge

      Lots of duders whine like bitches when there are no other fellas around to call them out on it. Many of your friends are actually colossal crybabies over the “one who got away,” and they likely punish every woman they encounter as a result. It’s a lock that one in five guys are locked in that misery.

  • Anonymous

    You forgot to include “The Weirwood” … just saying

  • May

    Unicorns do exist. My dad is one of them.

  • EarthToNichole

    I found a unicorn (typing that made me uncomfortable), and I wake up every day wondering why he’s even dating me, a semi-crazy 25 year old. Maybe emotionally stable 35 year olds need a little crazy to make their lives more interesting?

  • Guest

    you didn’t write this. it’s a link in your previous “six types of 35 year old women”

    • Correction

      yeah she did. it links to a blog that she runs. 

  • jauannananapcaknes

    ber sherman shirts……hmm

  • Carolina

    I dated a 36 year old unicorn when I was 19. A true highlight. He know dwells in some magical forest.

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