Ryan O'Connell

I noticed that your hair looked hot, like it took you two hours to do, and that outfit you wore made you look ten pounds skinnier. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I was going to get back together with you again but then I saw your hair and that slim-fitting outfit and I was like, “Yes! I definitely want this!”

You need to pretend that you know what you’re doing until you actually do. The only way anyone learns anything is by pretending that they knew how to do it in the first place.

You need to stop handing out your heart like it’s free candy at the movies. It’s not. Your heart is the price of a Chanel store or, at the very least, a vacation to Europe.

If you’re going to take a stranger home for sex, you must know how to get them out of your apartment the morning after. No one likes a one night stand that awkwardly carries on into the next afternoon. And no, blasting “Linger” by The Cranberries is not a good enough hint.

Dirty talk is a privilege, not a right. I’ve had some AMAZING dirty talk moments but I’ve also had some that made my penis become suicidal. If you want to dirty talk, do your research. Go to school, major in it, get a degree, and then attempt it.

The kind of books I like to read are the ones that snap, crackle, and pop off the page. They’re exciting, they’re funny, and they usually involve heroin addiction. I love them. Sure, they’re not exactly dense reads, but I don’t think a book’s value should be determined by how difficult it is to get through.

“Sweet potato fries at Burger King they’re not that great!! Love sweet potato fries what a big disappointment!!!! Guess that’s what you get with food….”

Expect trust. Without trust, you have nothing. Your partner should trust you completely until you give them a reason otherwise. If they don’t trust you, if they’re already paranoid in the beginning and try to control you, the relationship is doomed. Because it’s not about you. IT’S NEVER ABOUT YOU.

Love can be a giant short bus, y’all! It can cause otherwise smart, capable people to become deaf and blind to any and flaws. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen intelligent strong people be reduced to a 60 IQ just because they’re on that falling in love tip.

You will live for getting drinks at happy hour. In college, I was #NotClearOn the concept of happy hour. I thought it was for weird yuppies in LL Bean who didn’t know how to properly rage, but now I get it. Boy, do I get it!

Wear clothes that actually fit your body and make you feel good. Don’t buy the t-shirt you feel sort of fat in because guess what? You will always feel sort of fat in it! Furthermore, don’t buy an item of clothing that’s too tight as motivation to lose weight.

The only good reason to go into debt is for traveling. Not Isabel Marant boots or expensive groceries.

“Hey Mom, I freaking love you, Mom. Mom, mom, mom, I wish you were here right now so you could rub my back and massage my scalp. No, I’m not drunk! Why would I call you if I was drunk? I’m legit so insulted right now. Wow. You think that little of me. Good to know. I’m hanging up.”

Look at all these names in your phone. You are so popular. You know people. Why are you coming up short? Why is there such a gap between the people you know and the people you can rely on?

Say goodbye by turning your cheek in bed. Say goodbye when you accidentally tell someone you’re single. Say goodbye when you start to think of your grocery list during sex.

Throughout my life, I’ve been friends with straight dudes who have treated me like a novelty. It’s clear that I’m there to be the gay friend who makes them feel better about themselves for being so open-minded. “See? I hang out with gay dudes because I think they’re cool. I’m very progressive!”

Only surround yourself with people who bring out the best qualities in you. It sounds corny but it’s true. If you don’t like the way you act when you’re around someone, maybe you should reconsider being around them.

I can’t mention sexual experiences in your twenties without including alcohol and memory loss. 60% of our sexual experiences are forgettable quite literally because we can’t remember them!