1. Shirts with sleeves. I know nothing says “I’m here/queer” like an exposed arm moment but maybe you should start experimenting with wearing things that cover your body. Perhaps you should own a turtleneck? Ha ha, I’m just kidding. A turtleneck is enemy #1 in the gay world. When you see all that fabric, you start to sweat and swat at invisible flies. “GET IT OFF ME, GET IT OFF ME! DON’T MAKE ME LOOK AT THE TURTLENECK ANYMORE!”
2. Acting “too gay.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? HONEY? CAN WE TALK ABOUT IT? CAN I GET MY LIBERAL ARTS BOI GLASSES ON? You can’t be too gay. It’s impossible. There’s no such thing as possessing the right amount of gayness. You could be sucking ten dicks on Christopher Street while getting fed poppers and having your ass eaten out and it still wouldn’t be “too gay.” Stop freaking out! You are great and gay just the way you are! And when people tell you that you’re acting sooooo gay, they’re just trying to shame you for acting “feminine.” That’s all kinds of screwed up, y’all!
3. Lesbians. Obvs.
4. Your best gay friend falling in love with you or vice versa.
5. Vaginas. Look, I’ve done some lighthearted vagina shaming in my day but I don’t actually FEAR vaginas. I bet they’re actually great! Besides, do you think penises are much better? They’re veiny, red, and sometimes bent like a U-Turn! We only put up with them because they get us hard.
6. The South.
7. Ourselves! Self-loathing and gays go together a little too perfectly. Despite all of our hubris and funny jokes, a lot of us just don’t love ourselves deep down. That should stop.
8. Body fat. Stop being afraid of getting fat so I can just get fat already. Please. Your vanity is holding me back from being the person I want to be.
9. Bros. This one is hard. I’m super scared of bros too. Like I see their beer pong table and I just start sobbing on the spot. “GET ME OUT,” I scream, clawing at the walls. “It’s not safe for me here!” But maybe I’m just being a big gay baby about it. Maybe I just haven’t been exposed to the right bro yet. So far, the ones I’ve met have either been homophobic misogynists or they claim to be understanding and say stupid things like, “Wow. You’re like the coolest gay guy I’ve ever met. I bet you listen to Florence & The Machine!”
10. Not being cute enough. Guess what? When you go to a gay bar, you will always see someone who is 5% cuter than you. Do you know how many times I’ve gone into a gay bar and seen guys who look exactly like me except they have a better body or a slightly nicer face? That’s the gay thing about being gay. We’re all made of the same parts so we can’t help but compare. But, like, what are you going to do about it? Cry? No! You wanna make out, so push down those insecurities and go talk to the guy who’s 5% cuter than you! Who knows, he might be thinking the same thing about you.
11. Dancing. Just kidding, that’s just me! I’m the only gay dude who doesn’t like to dance! Seriously, can people stop dancing so much? You’re making me look bad!
12. Intimacy. In my experience, I’ve encountered a lot of gay men with glittery walls up, myself included. Really letting another dude love you is terrifying. It’s our Berlin wall that we just gotta tear down. We gotta let a dick into our heart rather than our ass.
13. Good music. Sorry gays, I’m on that generalizing tip right now, but would it kill some of you to listen to something other than top 40? I love Britney and all that noise but that stuff is only good for the club or getting ready to go to the club. If I’m at home at three o’clock in the afternoon, I don’t want to listen to something that reminds me of drunken makeouts on the sidewalk. Just come over and listen to my weird shoegaze with me! SHOEGAYYYYYZE.
14. Being somewhere that’s not gay. I know some homos who never leave their gayborhood. They just walk in a circle around all the gay people, gay restaurants, and gay bars, and never think to step outside of it. They’re like full-time homosexuals. It sounds exhausting! Broaden your horizons and go hang somewhere that’s a mix! Don’t go to your gay brunch and eat your little gay muffins with your gay friends for once!
15. Your dad. Unless he’s legitimately scary. In which case, RUN! MOVE TO NEW YORK!