Thought Catalog

10 Mistakes You Make When You’re Drunk

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1. Mixing different kinds of alcohol. Nothing good ever comes from mixing brown with clear, from drinking beer before liquor. If you’re really keen on getting wasted, stick to one kind of alcohol. Your body, mind, and butthole will thank you for it later.

2. Not eating before you start drinking. We’re all too familiar with this scenario, aren’t we? When you start drinking earlier than expected and just “forget” to have dinner. You think you can just consume alcohol and call it a meal, but not so fast, mister! Because by the time 4 a.m. rolls around, you’re going to be stumbling through that Taco Bell drive thru screaming “YO QUIERO DRAMA AND JEALOUSY.” You’re also going to have the hangover from HELL the next day because you didn’t give your stomach anything to soak up the alcohol.

3. Eating AFTER drinking. Listen, nothing good comes from eating at 4:30 a.m. No one in the history of the world has ever said, “OMG, I’m so glad I decided to eat an entire pizza as the sun was coming up. Seriously, you guys, I have some good ideas but that tops it. I feel so good today!” No. That person hates their life. That person is going to be pooping for the next eight hours and isn’t going to be hungry till 8 p.m. the next day. Don’t gorge yourself! Some of my worst hangovers have been triggered by late night drunk binge eating. Not only do I wake up with a headache but my stomach is reenacting the first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan, which is never a good look for me.

4. Texting. Just put down the phone and pick up your drink. You only text three people when you’re wasted: Your ex, someone you want to sleep with, and your drug dealer. All have serious consequences and will result in a gnarly shame spiral/emotional hangover the next day. You’ll wake up. scan through the texts, “where r u? i miss u. do u have coke?” and want to disappear on an island with Amelia Earhart’s bones. Ctrl + Alt + Delete your life.

5. Crying. Depending on how drunk you are, this can happen without provocation. Someone could just look at you funny and then bye bye, it’s over. “WHY DO U HATE ME? NO, I’M SERIOUS, I KNOW YOU HATE ME AND, LIKE, IT’S FINE. I JUST WANT TO KNOW.”

6. Fighting. “Why did you eat the last chip? You know I wanted it! You’ve been treating me like crap all night and I’m tired of it. Bored. Over. End of convo. No, wait, I have something else to say, I think you suck. Now the convo’s over. I’m serious…”

7. Becoming friends with someone you actually hate. Alcohol can cause you to make some unwise decisions, including getting mushy with someone you legitimately DON’T LIKE. The booze has given you the illusion that you have things in common and before you know it, you’re swapping numbers and making plans for brunch the next day. “Call me, I’m being real. No bullshit. I will see your ass at the cafe tomorrow at noon!” Um,  no you won’t. You’ll just be waking up then and remembering that you made plans with the really weird girl who likes to eat her own hair. Brunch is never going to happen.

8. Sleep with a stranger. Duh. This is one of the most common snafus we make when our genitalia gets wasted. All of a sudden, we regress to being animals and aren’t satisfied until we’re rubbing our body against someone else’s. It can be ANYONE. Just check to see if they have a pulse because you aren’t wasted enough to ever be on that necrophilia tip.

9. Call your mom. “Hey Mom, I freaking love you, Mom. Mom, mom, mom, I wish you were here right now so you could rub my back and massage my scalp. No, I’m not drunk! Why would I call you if I was drunk? I’m legit so insulted right now. Wow. You think that little of me. Good to know. I’m hanging up.”

10. Have that one last drink that sets you over the edge. You know the one. You ALWAYS know the one. It’s like you can have this drink and potentially vomit on a homeless person tonight OR you could go home, watch an episode of Real Housewives, and only be mildly hungover the next day. It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure! One ends in medium bliss and the other might end in puke and tears. TC Mark

image – Miss Advised

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    • franneh

      the best. #4 made me chortle

    • P. Stevens

      11. Spamming your followers on twitter w/Rumer Willis stories

      • onyae

        I do this alot haha

    • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/07/10-mistakes-you-make-when-you%e2%80%99re-drunk/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

      […] Thought Catalog » Life Add a comment […]

    • http://twitter.com/EvWasLike Ev Junior (@EvWasLike)

      I feel like I’ve seen this article 10 times over the past year… New writers, please.

      • P. Stevens
        • http://twitter.com/EvWasLike Ev Junior (@EvWasLike)

          Yeah.. I’ve submitted six times over the past month. T’would be nice to if I got a chance. *plays tiny violin*

    • http://www.facebook.com/brandonwhumphries Brandon Humphries

      You sure write a lot about drinking. As for #8, I find that I drink when I know i’m going to get laid, not the other way around. If I’ve been drinking and then sex becomes a possibility all of the sudden, I bring up the drawbridge and flood the moat. I don’t know what that means, I just wanted to use a medieval castle metaphor.

      • EV JUNIOR

        You get laid? and YOU’RE the one who drinks beforehand? Oh my.

        • H8r gonna fap to Eric Northman

          I’m not sure I get this comment. Are you suggesting that because he has a chubby face, red hair, and a neck-beard he doesn’t get laid?

          There was a time, not so long ago, when people instinctively recoiled with revulsion at the thought of having sex with people of YOUR appearance (and by appearance, I mean skin color).

          Maybe you should just cut the guy some slack. I didn’t see anything in his comment that made him out to be an ugly person–perhaps a bit undersocialized with the talk about moats or whatever–so what I’m getting out of this is just that he isn’t your type.

          It’s cool. Maybe you like your men a bit leaner, perhaps with an artfully messy tangle of nordic blonde hair, and more familiarity with their Gillette Mach3. That is just your preference (blonde white boys are your kryptonite, no?), but I’m sure there are plenty of Renaissance Faire girls tripping all over their skirts to get with Knight Commander Humpries.

    • Michael Henry

      As to #10… I’m… having trouble which ends in bliss and which ends in tears…

    • D. P.

      Numbers 4 and 10.

    • Macy

      #1,2,3 and 10.

    • A.J.

      Can we add mixing red wine and liquor to the list of “Do Not Do This Ever”? I had never been so violently ill like the night I thought it was a good idea to drink a glass of merlot after drinking half of my friend’s gross cherry slush/vodka concotion. Thank goodness I didn’t have to work the next day.

    • onyae

      #4 hit hard hahaha. And yes arguing over a chip haha

    • rachelllane

      i ignorantly gave some guy a fake name but my real number at the bar last weekend. my boyfriend had a field day inviting him over to ‘my’ house that night when i got home and passed out. they got drunk on his porch together at like 3:30am that night. kicked me out in the morning. whoops.

    • guest

      Need to add: taking an excessive and unnecessary amount of photos. My facebook is a constant reminder of that fact.

    • Kate

      Eating Subway after drinking is the best idea. The best!!!!

    • http://twitter.com/RachelERamirez Rachel Ramirez (@RachelERamirez)

      I have actually felt really good about eating a pizza the next day. Because A) pizza is the greatest and B) it actually helps my hangover sometimes.

      Would also have to add dancing to this list. I’m not a good dancer. Me dancing just doesn’t need to happen, ever.

    • Johnathan Wilson

      the convos i have had drung texting! the things of legends…I am guilty of all the above. I know my limits..and willing choose to ignore them everytime ^_^

    • http://twitter.com/Commander_Co0l Tony F.

      #11 punching fire hydrants

      don’t be an idiot like me when you drink, kids.

    • duncansomerside

      “Your body, mind, and butthole will thank you for it later”
      my butthole always thanks me when no one was shoved in it… Because it remembers the times when it was less fortunate.

    • gerry

      where can i meet these girls who eat their own hair

    • Hannah

      This is my summer.

    • http://www.thosebeats.blogspot.com/ Veronica Stoler

      I seriously love Ryan’s posts. “You’ll wake up. scan through the texts, “where r u? i miss u. do u have coke?” and want to disappear on an island with Amelia Earhart’s bones.” and I was dying in laughter. Amazing.

    • Elijah

      Wow, alcohol is like 99% destructive, 1% “constructive”, unless you’re a 66 year old novelist shacked up on an island somewhere. So why do we use it?

    • Guest

      “You only text three people when you’re wasted: Your ex, someone you want to sleep with, and your drug dealer.” YES YES YES YES.

    • http://hotfemmeinthecity.wordpress.com natasiarose

      Ugh. These all become more and more important as you get older and your body starts fighting back against routine poisoning. Shut up, body.

    • http://twitter.com/shoshkabob Shosh (@shoshkabob)

      #5 — THE ABSOLUTE WORST

    • Angie

      This is actually hilarious. YO QUIERO DRAMA AND JEALOUSY lololol

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