6 Things We Have To Stop Doing During Sex

Irene Tinta

1. 69ing

OK, who is still pretending that they like to 69 with their partner? Because I would really like to meet them and say, “Can you stop? Sexual novices everywhere are 69ing because they heard somewhere that it was DARING, KINKY, COOL and it’s not!” 69ing is your own personal private hell. Imagine if that’s what you had to do after you died? Your afterlife was trying to go down on someone while they’re going down on you. Basically you’d spend an infinite amount of time with a person’s ass AND genitalia in your face. By the way, how is that physically possible? Seriously, how is it that every time you 69 with someone, all of their no-no areas end up in your face, front and back?! Is there secretly a third party trying to catch a free ride here? I’ve asked MANY people about their thoughts re: 69ing and it’s unanimous: they hate it. It’s too distracting and they only did it when they first started having sex because, I don’t know, Sex and the City told them to? The only way I could conceive of 69ing being fun is if you railed a bunch of Adderall and could really focus in on the task at hand. Otherwise, just no.

2. Teabagging

You never forget the first pair of balls you’ve sucked on. Maybe the second, maybe the third, but never the first. You’d think that since I have balls myself, I’d have some advantage to the act of teabagging but no babe. Just like you, I’m #NotClearOn teabagging! Okay, so when I first sucked on someone’s balls, I expected it to make my partner convulse in ecstasy because, hello, I’m putting their balls in my mouth. The dirtier a sex act is, the better it should feel, right? Like I’m not sucking on these balls for health reasons. I’m doing it so you can lose your damn mind in pleasure. But, really, teabagging kind of feels like… nothing. When I had it done to me, I was just like, “I don’t feel anything.” Finally, I asked my dude, “Do you like it when I suck on your balls?” And he was like, “Honestly, it doesn’t really do much for me…” Ah, honesty! I love it! We never teabagged again after that. I mean sure, we played around with each other’s balls because that does feel good but there was no insertion. I’ve asked other dudes if they like to teabag it and then they say to me, in quiet shame, “Nah. It’s kind of a big ol’ nothing.” So there you have it. Communication! (But, also, I would like to know if anyone sincerely does love it. Maybe my balls just haven’t met the right mouth, yet?)

3. Handjobs

When a handjob is good, it’s fantastic but usually they’re just stressful and give you premature carpal tunnel. Giving a handjob by itself is like someone putting a spotlight on your soul/hand-eye coordination. Like, great for you if you excel but most people could do a better job jacking themselves off. So can we just agree that handjobs shouldn’t be attempted unless you’re sleeping with a tennis star? Thanks, hon!

4. Dirty talk

Dirty talk is a privilege, not a right. I’ve had some AMAZING dirty talk moments but I’ve also had some that made my penis become suicidal. If you want to dirty talk, do your research. Go to school, major in it, get a degree, and then attempt it. Don’t just start spitting gross words in someone’s ear that seems hot. Read the situation. Figure out what will be sexy instead of LOL, are you kidding me?

5. Pretending you don’t like it when a finger is in your butt

You like it. (I’m looking at you, straight guys.)

6. Push someone’s head further down during oral sex

Don’t screw with my gag reflexes. Do you want me to puke on your penis? Because I will. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


More From Thought Catalog

  • http://itsyowyow.com/2012/09/30/thought-catalog-roundup-18/ Thought Catalog Roundup « Yow Yow!

    […] 6 Things We Have to Stop Doing During Sex […]

  • Thought Catalog

    Reblogged this on Vanousse and commented:
    Vraie histoire

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/discussion-how-do-you-feel-about-talking-dirty-in-bed/ Discussion: How Do You Feel About Talking Dirty In Bed? | Thought Catalog

    […] it’s weird and resists at first, but she comes around eventually. What’s your take? Is it a turn on to say some porn-y, raunchy stuff in the bedroom? Or do you prefer the simpler sounds of moans, […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/10/discussion-how-do-you-feel-about-talking-dirty-in-bed-2/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] it’s weird and resists at first, but she comes around eventually. What’s your take? Is it a turn on to say some porn-y, raunchy stuff in the bedroom? Or do you prefer the simpler sounds of moans, […]

  • http://bsienk90.wordpress.com bsienk90

    Reblogged this on Boldly go… and commented:
    I might have found this a bit to amusing. I agree with this shit too. XD
    I say no to most of those things…is that TMI? All well!

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/the-top-25-thought-catalog-articles-about-sex/ The Top 25 Thought Catalog Articles About Sex | Thought Catalog

    […] 6 Things We Have To Stop Doing During Sex […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2013/08/the-top-25-thought-catalog-articles-about-sex/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] 6 Things We Have To Stop Doing During Sex […]

  • http://wanderlustara.wordpress.com wanderlustara

    Reblogged this on Wander Lust… and commented:
    1) i agree that 69 is honestly something that isnt generally done and ive done it once , first and last honey . Yea it sounds dirty , it looks fun . baby its just the number that looks that way , i rather a good fuck any day . Theres so much other things about sex you can experiment with and believe me 69 is a number you dont wanna visit.
    2) Teabagging, sucking balls is just what it is , sucking balls . It was so embrassing when you been told during sex that the ball sucking does nothing so stick your mouth on that cock and give it all your attention . He will be very grateful . oh and if your hands feel a bit too unoccupied then tickle em.
    3) Handjobs, i find this really hard to do but if you gotta do it , try anywhere else but the bedroom. and if you got rough hands , for the love of god wear somesort of lotion in advance or get a mouthful or…. my personal favourite boobjob. breasts are soft (in my case well proportioned) (amen) so yes pressing breast on that throbbing cock and you can even lick it at the same time gives crazy amounts of pleasure.

    4. Dirty talk, bitch please this should come as easy as your first words. For men to women : start of pretty romantic, be a bad boy and touch her hips. For women : “……(his name)(whisper)” , your hand on his thigh, Well its so simple to improvise based on situations. *sounds like an idea for another article*
    5. Never tried but i will :D
    6) I CAN TOTALLY RELATE! , boy i know we are having sex but dont push my head boy, let me ease into you and yes forcing yourself down my throat will activate gag reflexes . At least your getting a blow job so enjoy that. and leave the rest to me ;)

  • http://setoshino.wordpress.com Setoshino

    Reblogged this on The World Without Us.

blog comments powered by Disqus