1. The Drive-By Makeout
The Drive-By Makeout is a move favored by most drunk single 20-somethings. It usually occurs when a person is wasted at a bar and desperately wants to lock lips with someone. It doesn’t really matter who it is. As long as they can move their lips up and down and in circles, they fill the requirements for the job.
So you pick someone out of the crowd and slur at them, “Heyyyyyyyy. What’s up?”
“Um, nothing.” The person responds, looking confused and a little bit frightened. “What’s your name?”‘
“Bongo!” you shout at them as if they’re about to attack you . (Your name is definitely not Bongo.)
“Bongo? Your real name is Bongo?”
“Yeah. It’s German for “I’m wasted and you look hot.” C’mere…”
You grab this person and start going at them like they’re the greasy food you’re guaranteed to eat in a few hours. Tongues are thrashing, saliva is flying everywhere. It’s like a war zone in your mouths. God forbid an innocent bystander gets caught in the crossfire. They’d end up dead or, at the very least, with a hickey.
You occasionally break for air to look into their eyes and see if this person looks more like Danny Devito or Daniel Craig but you honestly can’t tell one way or the other.
“Hey….” you say dreamily.
“I know. My name is—”
And then, bam, you’re back to making out. You can keep kissing this person for five minutes or for five hours. It doesn’t make a difference. You just know that you’re not taking them home. This is strictly a drive-by makeout. You came, you saw, you swapped spit, and now you’re going to disappear into thin air. Tonight you’re only going home with a meatball sub. That’s been decided.
When you feel sufficiently satisfied, you can stop kissing this person and say, “Sorry, I have to go.”
“What? But Bongo!”
“No, don’t make this harder than it has to be. I’m not taking you home tonight. This was just a kiss…”
This is the part where the person gets pissed. They realize that you just needed a mouth to snack on for a minute and their mouth just happened to be in the right place at the right time.
“Wait, was this a drive-by make out?”
You shrug your shoulders at the question and then quickly run away from the crime scene. Or, if you’re feeling super dramatic, you can slap them and say, “HOW DARE YOU! THIS WAS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT!” and then still run away. Whatever. The point is that you’re gone and at home cradling carbs instead of a human body. You got your fix for physical contact and now you can call it a night. Byeeeee.
2. The One Night Stand Abortion
If you’re going to take a stranger home for sex, you must know how to get them out of your apartment the morning after. No one likes a one night stand that awkwardly carries on into the next afternoon. And no, blasting “Linger” by The Cranberries is not a good enough hint. (“I love this part of the song,” you say to this person while lying in bed. “When they sing, “DO YOU HAVE TO, DO YOU HAVE TO LET IT LINGER!?” Don’t you?”) You have to get creative, which usually means saying that you’re hungover and need to puke. (That one is my personal favorite and ALWAYS seems to do the trick. They’ll be getting dressed and out the door before you have to make fake retching noises!) If, for some sick and disturbing reason, this was a sober one night stand, you will have to pretend that you have plans with friends, very early plans, and need to get going. A few of my friends have had to actually get dressed, pretend they’re going somewhere and leave their apartment, only to turn around when they see their one night stand disappear from view. Jesus.
3. How to get out of spooning
Spooning is a great activity to do after forking. (Ew, bad joke, sorry sweets!) But, when it comes to actually falling asleep, isn’t it easier to do when a body isn’t smashed against yours? Give me room, bitch! I wish we could sleep with our bodies molded as one but mama needs to breathe. Let’s just Instagram this spooning moment, say we’re cute, and then go to our separate corners. Besides, I don’t know if this happens to other guys, but sometimes it’s distracting sleeping with my dick pressed up against a guy’s butt. I’ll find myself getting horny AGAIN and then I’ll never be able to sleep. So here’s what I usually do to get out of spooning: Once I see that they’re dead asleep, I pretend to go to the bathroom to go pee. Then, when I come back, I usually find them still living la vida unconscious and see that as my opportunity to sneak my way back in. If for some reason, they wake up when I’m getting back into bed and try to assume the position, I just feign a violent coughing fit. That’s enough to keep them away.
4. Make the perfect playlist
Music can be essential for good sex. It dictates the mood and acts as a conductor. Wanna have wild raunchy sex? Put on The Stooges and Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ first album. Wanna have “OMG, BEB, “I LOVE YA…” sex? Have a nice jazzy moment. Wanna have weird sex? Play Portishead and Massive Attack. If you don’t have sex playlists on your iPod already cued up and ready to go, you’re doing it wrong.
5. Make some noise
K, so I don’t know what’s going on with straight guys lately but a bunch of my girlfriends have come up to me and complained about their partner not making ANY noise during sex. What’s up with that? Sex is not supposed to be a Charlie Chaplin movie. I understand if you don’t want to be hooting or hollering but you need to make SOME noise, if no other reason than just to let your partner know that you’re not falling asleep out of boredom. If I gave a dude head and he stayed silent — no moans, no nothing — during the whole thing, I would just start crying on his penis because I’d feel so inadequate. “What am I doing wrong?” I’d scream. “How could a mouth on your penis illicit no response?” I know some straight dudes like to pretend that NOTHING gets through to them, including penetration, but for god’s sake, just throw your partner a moan.