1. You will live for getting drinks at happy hour. In college, I was #NotClearOn the concept of happy hour. I thought it was for weird yuppies in LL Bean who didn’t know how to properly rage, but now I get it. Boy, do I get it! Happy hour is the best invention ever for those working a 9-5 job. All of a sudden, it becomes perfectly acceptable for you to get Saturday night wasted at 6:30 on a Tuesday. By 9 p.m., you’re drunk eating a falafel and when 10 p.m. rolls around, you’re passed out asleep. By the time you wake up the next day for work, you’ll have gotten nine hours of sleep and should only have a mid-grade hangover. Some might think this drinking style is #dark and depressing but when you have a full-time job, it’s your only option.
2. Some days at work you will be so busy that time will go by in a hot flash. Other days, however, there won’t be much to do so your job for the day is to just look super busy. Ironically, this is harder to do than actually having things to do. Finding new and inventive ways to pass the time while giving the impression to your boss that you are CRAZED and OVERWHELMED is difficult as hell. I recommend just making fake phone calls to people and screaming into the dialtone “I TOLD YOU TO BRING OVER THOSE ACTION ITEMS! WHERE ARE THEY? WE NEED TO PULL THE TRIGGER! I’M GOING TO SHOOT THIS METAPHORICAL GUN. DON’T TEMPT ME, BITCH!” Then, when you can sense that people are looking at you, hang up the phone and exasperatedly say, “I can’t deal with this today! I can’t!” Leave your desk in a huff and then tell your boss you’re taking a mental health day. Bye.
3. There’ll be the token office bitch, someone who has taken it upon themselves to dole out orders, even if they aren’t technically your boss.
4. At some point, you will get yelled at by your boss and want to curl up in a ball and die.
5. Someone who you work with in the office will try to forge a real friendship with you, even though you have no interest. They’ll invite you to things going on outside of work and you’ll have to think of new plausible excuses to turn them down. While you can make some good friends at work, some of whom become your IRL friends, you will have zero desire to see others outside of the workplace. In your mind, they only exist here and to bring them out of it is too much of a mindf–k.
6. Despite having a steady paycheck, you still will somehow always be broke and never understand where the money. (Hint: You spent most of it drunk in one night.)
7. You can’t fathom the concept that you will have to work every day for the rest of your life. (Retirement? What’s that? Social security? Huh?) This is it. Barring stretches of unemployment, this is forever.
8. You will feel guilty having a full-time job, even if you hate it, when some of your friends are still unemployed. You will also see these friends less because of your different schedules.
9. Going out is a struggle, especially on a Friday when you’ve had a long work week. Sometimes you will feel like you’ve become someone you’ve always made fun of. You’re someone who is just TOO TIRED to go out and get cray cray.
10. You will temporarily forget what it felt like to be unemployed and will dread the day it ever happens again. “DON’T TAKE ME BACK THERE. I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK!”