Ryan O'Connell

Get into a drunken fight with them at a nightclub and scream “You know what you did!” just like Lauren and Heidi did on The Hills. Your lover won’t actually have done anything wrong but they’ll be so confused and also drunk that they’ll apologize and maybe cry and you’ll have amazing sex and your ~~~love flame~~~will be kept burning.

A new kind of relationship seems to have sprung from online dating and technology, which is The Two Week Relationship. It’s when you date someone from anywhere to two weeks to a month and then decide to drop off the face of the planet.

Perhaps the most unrealistic aspect of the show was Carrie’s lax work schedule. Homegirl only had to write one column a week in a crappy newspaper and still managed to make rent, buy designer clothing, and eat out at fabulous restaurants. No wonder she had to whore herself out to Mr. Big.

The second time you fall in love with someone, it’s going to feel different. The first time felt like a dream almost. You were untouched, untainted by anyone. You accepted love with wide open arms and desperation. “Love me, love me, love me!” So you did.

I’m a drive-by spooner. I get in, I get out, and I go to my corner of the bed ASAP. If you want something to hold on to all night, I suggest investing in a body pillow. Maybe one that has a picture of my face on it? Love you, babe!

I think the reason why twentysomethings are so fixated on age is because we feel a pressure to be a certain way at 23, at 25, at 29. There are all of these invisible deadlines with our careers and with love and drinking and drugs. I can’t do coke at 25. I need to be in a LTR at 27. I can’t vomit from drinking at 26. I just can’t!

In a perfect world, everyone you loved would love you back. It’d be as easy as 1, 2, 3. “Oh, you love me? I love you back then. No questions asked.” There’d be no unreturned texts, no jabs, no infidelity. They’d be exactly how you want them to be.

You’re in a #dark place with your body. You feel fat and undesirable. You totally get why you aren’t getting laid! But that kind of thinking is dangerous. If you think you’re hideous, chances are others will pick up on that and not be attracted to you. In order for someone to want to sleep with you, you sort of have to want to sleep with yourself.

I recently held back someone’s hair while they vomited for the first time and was struck by how tender it felt. Scooping their hair up and pulling it back as they do this really disgusting and vulnerable thing felt like a total bonding experience. Added bonus points if you massage the back of their neck while they heave.

In the beginning of every relationship, you essentially try to be the best version of yourself. You pretend you dress to the nines every single day (“Oh, this little number? I just threw it together in five….hours”), do fun-filled activities, and never fart, burp, poop or experience any other human action that could be perceived as gross.

Sexuality is so personal. Conservative parents, fear of disownment and religion definitely play a role in someone ‘s decision to remain in the closet. But at the end of the day, it’s all about whether or not that person can feel okay about loving another man.

Your hand doesn’t talk back. It doesn’t bitch and complain or ask to be on top. It doesn’t text you at three in the morning asking you to come over. Your hand doesn’t yell. It doesn’t bum you out and make you cry to “Wonderwall” alone in your room. And it’s certainly not going to ask you to pay for dinner.

You should kiss someone if you like them. You’ll learn so much about them when you taste their spit. And it will also make you feel young again. No matter how experienced you are, your first kiss with someone always takes you back to that first time with that first person.

If I have a crush on you, I will ignore you. This is stupid and I hate it but it’s what I do. I will look at you and be like, “OMG, you’re funny and cute and smart. Now, get the hell away from me!” This is a quality I have that drives me actually crazy.

So I know there’s a song called “Rollercoaster of Love” but to me, love is less of a Magic Mountain thrill ride and more of a sweet happy (and occasionally exciting/terrifying) ride at Disneyland.

Somebody loves you if they pick an eyelash off of your face or wet a napkin and apply it to your dirty skin. You didn’t ask for these things, but this person went ahead and did it anyway. They don’t want to see you looking like a fool with eyelashes and crumbs on your face. They notice these things.

Couples gushing about each other on their Facebook walls should be illegal. Like Time Warner Cable or Comcast needs to come to their door, find their router and smash it into a million pieces while screaming, “GO TO YOUR ROOM AND DON’T COME OUT UNTIL YOU’VE REALIZED THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS!”

Attempting to meet up with your drug dealer is sort of like going to the gym. You wait 45 minutes for a text and then when you get it, you run to the address they listed. When you arrive panting and sweating, your dealer sends you another text that’s like, “Just kidding! I’m on the other side of town!” Four hours later, you’ve ran four miles around your city and finally got what you were looking for.