If I Were A Girl

If I were a girl I would be so broke. I’d resent having to buy things like tampons, makeup, hair straighteners, lip gloss, and get waxed. Being a girl just seems so expensive. Every time blood comes out of their vagina, they’re obligated to spend money. And the clothes! That’s one thing I would actually love. There are just so many options and they’re all so good. Menswear is so limited by comparison. I would put together the most amazing ensembles and I would reinvent myself every 3-6 months. I would dye my hair different colors, use different kinds of makeup, and become a style chameleon.

If I were a girl I would use my sexuality to my advantage. I would work hard to be pretty and wear revealing clothing and hate/love it when boys would gawk at me with that chilling male gaze of theirs. I’d get out of speeding tickets and get free muffins at Starbucks and sip on free drinks at bars. I would feel bad about it too. I would feel bad about my exposed breasts and legs and the no speeding ticket and the free muffin and the cocktail. Not bad enough to stop though. I’d figure if I was born with tits I might as well get a free chai tea. {Psst! That shit ain’t free if you know what I mean!}

If I were a girl I would have a weird relationship with food. I would think about all the times I would want to show skin and decide to forego the hamburger in favor of mixed greens. Looking at pictures of Kate Bosworth would make me feel bad about myself. Summer would give me anxiety because of the bikinis, the visible bra straps, the shorts. “I’m not eating today because I would like to get eaten out later.”

If I were a girl I would cry a lot. I mean, I’m already emotional with a penis so I shudder to think what I would be like as a girl. I’d cry on my period, cry about my ex-boyfriend, cry about old best friends, cry at romantic comedies that I secretly abhorred on a feminist level.

If I were a girl I would hate getting the short end of the stick with orgasms. I’d sleep with doofuses who would hurt me with their fingers, and sloppily tongue my ear. I’d watch them come in five minutes and just be like, “Fuck you for real.” I wouldn’t feel grossed out about my vagina either. No way. My lover would need to get down to business so I could finish as well. Why should I feel bad about that? They’re supposed to like it.

If I were a girl I would have intense female friendships. We’d be like sisters and act as an impenetrable support system. I wouldn’t feel weird about being vulnerable in front of them and I would expect them to hold my hair back if I were to ever vomit. Sometimes I would have moments of anger towards them, sometimes I’d want to fucking kill them, but it would fade quickly and we’d be walking arm-in-arm again talking about how much we love each other and sisterhood girl talk joy joy.

If I were a girl I think I would hate Katy Perry and Ke$ha. Just because, you know?

If I were a girl I would be so scared I’d fall in love with someone who treated me like a piece of shit. They would be misogynistic and terrible and I would find myself compromising my self-worth just so I could sleep with them at night. As a woman, I would just be so conditioned to feel bad about myself. Magazines would put me down, TV shows would sling insults at me, and my boss would pay me less money to do the same job as a man. What’s the harm in another person putting me down? At least this one would kiss me hard on the mouth after he insulted me. I like to kiss.

If I were a girl I would be nervous about giving birth to a child. I wouldn’t worry too much about the pain. I ‘d just feel this enormous pressure to be a good mother. Could I care for a lifeless human without feeling pangs of resentment? Would I suffer from post-partum depression and be a bad mother? Furthermore, would my husband still want to fuck me after he saw someone come out of the same thing that gives him so much pleasure?

If I were a girl I would try to be a good woman. I would try to figure out what that even means. I would stand up for myself if I ever needed to. I would tell a catcaller to piss off. I would be a good example to my friends, to my children, to whoever needed it. If I were a girl, I would be all of these things. Right? I’d hope so. TC mark

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Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

This Book Is For You 👇

The cover and theme for my newest book was inspired by the concept of kintsugi. All that is dark or cracked within us has the capacity to be fixed, to be filled with light. We are never broken. We are always becoming. 

“Live a life that is driven; not by fear, but by love.” — Bianca Sparacino

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  • A.

    “I’d figure if I was born with tits I might as well get a free chai tea.”

    Don’t ever feel bad for the free shit. Some boys are just so fucking DUMB and if you look at them the right way they will do whatever you want.

  • http://fwp.me Calvin Camus

    Plus you have to swallow nut

    • Bollywoodbattersea

      not true.

  • Anonymous

    You hit the nail on the head.

  • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    Heh. Giggled about spending money for tampons, so true. AS IF HAVING A PERIOD ISN’T PUNISHMENT ENOUGH. 

  • No One

    I wish it were SO easy… It would be more like, I wish I had money to re-invent myself. Or I wish I had bigger breasts. Or these bitches are SO petty. Why am I friends with them. Or, Why can’t they like me? Just because I’m a size 3 doesn’t mean I’m not the nicest person you will EVER meet. Being a girl and being a pretty one- Still is hard work. I have NEVER gotten out of a speeding ticket. I own up to my mistakes. Dealing with insecure boyfriends who think you are gorgeous so everyone who looks at you wants to sleep with you. Or friends who tell you how pretty you are and then whisper behind your back that they hate you because of it. And, If you were an over emotional girl…You would be labeled: Bat Shit Crazy.

  • Aelya

    I have never laughed so hard at a thumbnail picture in my life

  • today

    If I were a girl, I would need a nose job.

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    I’m not a girl, but I fantasize about being treated like one. 

    • Anonymous

      I love the sexual objectification, lower wages, cat fights, and haunting feeling I’m going to get raped if I walk anywhere sketchy at night without a man by my side. It’s definitely worth fantasizing about.

      • Bollywoodbattersea

        god im so fucking sick of people bitching about being a girl!! yeah, sometimes it really fucking sucks but im sure being a guy does as well.

      • http://twitter.com/redgyarados Danielle Sanda

        I’m sure it’s so terrible to not get paranoid about bleeding on yourself every 4 weeks.

        Guys, props to you for being the head of the household, but don’t forget that now society expects us to be able to do our job AND yours.

      • http://twitter.com/redgyarados Danielle Sanda

        I’m sure it’s so terrible to not get paranoid about bleeding on yourself every 4 weeks.

        Guys, props to you for being the head of the household, but don’t forget that now society expects us to be able to do our job AND yours.

      • http://twitter.com/redgyarados Danielle Sanda

        Although in all seriousness I would be terribly curious about the hardships of being a man.  Someone get on blogging that.

  • Dina

    This piece is paltry. Like it was written by a dumb blonde. Or a guy who wishes he were a dumb blonde. Blech.

    • Melissa

      I disagree completely! I thought it was witty and sharp.

  • Guest

    Don’t forget about how if you were a girl, you’d get payed less than your male co-workers who do the same job, you’d be scared to go out at night by yourself because you could get raped, and even if you don’t get raped – you’ll most likely get cat-called if you’re in the city (which, to myself and most girls I know, is scary as well).
    You might not be pretty as society defines it, you might have small tits, you might be fat and none of the pretty clothes in stores will fit you. ‘Sisterhood’? Does this exist? As women, we’re also conditioned to hate each other, be catty to each other and be jealous and wary of each other. I wish this weren’t true, but even my feminist friends who say things like, “don’t let jealousy get in the way of sisterhood!!” are catty and betray one another. Fucking sucks…but this is how we’re raised to be.

    if you were a girl, and also gay, you’d be underrepresented in the LGBTQ community (well, any LGBTQ who isn’t a cismale seems to be underrepresented). People will think you’re gross for being gay, especially if you’re more butch. If you’re feminine and a lesbian, what’s wrong with you? you just clearly haven’t met the right guy yet.
    Everything you do, believe in, say…it will be questioned.

    I like being a woman, it doesn’t all suck. But a lot of things do. :/ still this is a great article.

    • Guest

      He addressed “you’d get payed less than your male co-workers who do the same job” as well as “you’ll most likely get cat-called if you’re in the city” But the other things would have been nice additions to the article. 

  • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

    Each paragraph just as good as the one preceding it. Loved this, you’d make a fantastic female. 

  • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

    people just love to complain–
    being a girl rocks!
    well done Ryan.

  • Woman Friend

    This fucking rules. You always make my day Ryan o’Connell.

  • Woman Friend

    This fucking rules. You always make my day Ryan o’Connell.

    • jessi jae

      GOD ME TOO I LOVE YOU RYAN! hahah holy shet. you just crawled into the brain of every female and pulled it all outside. I feel both blessed and upset to be a girl after being mirrored like this, but mostly blessed still, and even both of those feelings are trumped by my pure enjoyment of your writing. Tweeting this immediately.

  • you wish

    i wish men would get over this idea that women always enjoy being cat-called. in certain places and situations yes, it can be flattering. but the majority of the time it happens when you’re alone in a situation where you don’t feel safe and it comes from the creepiest of creeps. you can’t even begin to comprehend how paralyzing that kind of fear is.

    also, you bet your fucking ass i worry about the pain of childbirth and all of the potential complications. way more so than i worry about whether or not i’ll be a good mother. puh-lease. 

    regarding sex and orgasms however, spot on.

    • http://twitter.com/redgyarados Danielle Sanda

      Preach it, sister.  Cat calls are both demeaning and terrifying.  Sure, it’s nice to think someone thinks you’re hot, but the kind of person who does that will holla at anyone with a short skirt, and any potential compliment it might imply doesn’t make up for the feeling of violation.

      And ninja please, I am so scared of giving birth.  I want to shoot out a small litter but def fear the immense pain.

  • Guest

    Yours was better than Kat’s 

    • Emma

      I’d have to disagree, though your point “I’m not eating today because I would like to get eaten out later” was pretty amazing.

  • illdoit

    “Furthermore, would my husband still want to fuck me after he saw someone come out of the same thing that gives him so much pleasure?”

    I freaked a little about this the other day. I wouldnt wanna fuck me either after seeing that shit go down.

    • Emma

      birth is fucking amazing. if you’d ever seen it happening you’d understand, and you’d know that you’d never need to be insecure about your husband seeing your child take its first breath.

  • Guesto

    I really like this ‘if I were’ concept. Let me try it out. “If I were anorexic…I wouldn’t eat,” “If I were a black man…I’d fuck mad white bitches with my big black dick.,” “If I were a Jew…I’d be a doctor and eat matza ball soup all year around,” “If I were a hipster…I’d wear plaid everything, even plaid condoms,” “If I were a blogger…I’d blog about everything, and I mean everything,” “If I were a pimp…I’d smack a hoe,” “If I were an accountant…I’d do people’s taxes and charge them a very reasonable rate.”  

    • Aelya

      crying

  • Anonymous

    i love you, ryan. and i love this piece. i’ve already made sorta the same comment on your “7 things you should know about girls,” but you just GET us. i don’t think even I would be able to put all this into words. then again, that’s why you’re the one writing for TC, and not me.

  • guest

    UGH, I actually HATE getting drinks bought for me. No, seriously. I don’t need to be bought something so that I can feel obligated to talk to you… And hot guys are never the random drink buyers, it’s always creeps. PLUS dudes get pissed when you turn a drink down.

    We do spend A LOT of money though, and have weird relationships with food, I will give you that.

  • E.

    Sounds like you’d be a pretty shitty girl.

  • http://miriammogilevsky.wordpress.com Miriam Mogilevsky

    I’m sorry, but why does stating the obvious make a good blog post?

  • Guest

    I’ve never gotten out of a speeding ticket.  Probably because I’m ugly.

  • Spook

    GOD DAMMIT.
    Why does every article about women have to sound like a bloody complaint list.

    Just once I’d like to read an article that says,
    “Im a woman. Its not too bad.Kind of nice actually. By the way do you know where I could buy a saxophone? Ive always wanted to learn it. I think a sax is really…..”

    • http://twitter.com/redgyarados Danielle Sanda

      We bleed, and are thus an angry people.

      No seriously, being a girl is fun, but there’s just so much pressure to keep up appearances.  And it’s extremely depressing when you think you don’t look good enough.  Forget all that ignorant GURL POWAH talk; if you feel bad about yourself, no one can talk you out of it.

  • Reallyyyydude

    Having a penis doesn’t make you a boy. Come on dude. I can’t deal with all of your articles that refer to penises and vaginas as male and female, respectively. Get it together, gurl.

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