Thought Catalog

A Guide To Having A Drug Dealer?

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Hey you! You want to do drugs? Well, you  really shouldn’t because they’re bad for you and kind of turn you into an insane person and suck up all of your money! But if you don’t care about being healthy and making good decisions, I guess you should just do it. You’ll need a drug dealer though, which can be a total bummer. Drug dealers are your anti-drug because communicating with them is a hassle and a half. You can spend a whole day trying to track them down and when you finally get a hold of them, they won’t have what you want or they’ll be really stoned and try to sell you something else. It’s super #dark but here are some tips on how to deal with them if you’re super desperate to not be sober.

Tip # 1: Be prepared to hang out with them.

If you actually manage to meet up with your dealer, be wary because they might want to hang out with you after they sell you drugs. Getting your goods delivered to your apartment may seem super amazing and convenient but you run the risk of having your dealer be like, “Let’s chill for a sec. No rush!” If you’re buying weed from some guy, you have to understand that he might want to get stoned with you. And you can’t say no. In fact, you can never say no to your dealer. Just say “yes, yes, yes!” to everything because they sadly have the power. “You wanna smoke with us? Um, sure! Totally. Uh. Hmm.” All of a sudden, your smoke session has turned into two hours of social awkwardness. All you can think of asking is “How long have you been doing this for?” and “So do you have a lot of customers?”

Tip # 2: Be prepared to run

Attempting to meet up with your drug dealer is sort of like going to the gym. You wait 45 minutes for a text and then when you get it, you run to the address they listed. When you arrive panting and sweating, your dealer sends you another text that’s like, “Just kidding! I’m on the other side of town!” Four hours later, you’ve ran four miles around your city and finally got what you were looking for. Chasing My Drug Dealer is a great workout and it’s going to be coming soon to a gym near you!

Tip # 3: Save all of their text messages

Drug dealer texts are a reason to go on living! They’re usually, upbeat, cheerful and spoken in code. Weed is Mary Jane obviously. Xanax can be written as Xanadu. Coke can be referred to as Kate Moss, snow, or my giant expensive mistake. Keep all of their messages so you can compile them into a performance art project one day or write a book called Texts From My Drug Dealer and sell it at American Apparel.

Tip # 4: “I Think I’m Paranoid” is not just a song by Garbage.

Drug dealers are paranoid, which you can’t really blame them for considering their job is illegal. But it’s interesting to see what sets off the paranoia versus what they’re completely cool with. Sometimes it honestly makes no sense. Like why is buying pot off of you in the middle of the day on the street okay, but saying the word “weed” out loud isn’t?

Tip # 5: They aren’t going to kill you so chill out!

This isn’t Dangerous Minds, okay? Drug dealers are usually pretty normal (well, the ones who deal soft drugs are. I’ve never met a meth dealer). They wear skinny jeans (thank god! I will only have a chic drug dealer!), have a dog and like to go to the movies or whatever. Drug dealers: They’re just like US! (except richer and a little bit weirder). TC mark

image – Scarface

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    • klaus

      how do i find a drug dealer to begin with?

      • http://twitter.com/walterdavis walter davis

        if you have to ask, you probably shouldn’t have one

        • http://selfstyled.net Adele - Self Styled

          Hmm, not everybody is fortunate enough to stumble across this species by chance & they are fairly secretive by nature. Maybe Klaus is just unlucky.

        • Anonymous

          1. Find the one sketchy person you know and friend them.
          2. Repeat step one to friend of sketchy person.
          3. Repeat step two several more times necessary until you find their drug dealer.
          4. Smoke out till you pass out.

        • http://selfstyled.net Adele

          touche

        • Dasani Waterhouse

          Walter Davis is bad at ideas.

        • something

          … and why is that?

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jimmy-Huang/920694 Jimmy Huang

        you gotta know somebody who knows somebody who robs somebody…lol

    • McTao McLin

      Shoplifting Texts from My Drug Dealer from American Apparel

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      For #3 you can post it on Vice too

      • RAH

        he’s referencing this: http://www.viceland.com/blogs/en/2011/07/01/andrew-a-dialogue-of-texts-in-the-year-of-drugs-and-kindness/

    • Efghtfdghtr

      Lots of people die in order for that drug to get to your hands. I don’t care about your health. There’s a lot or public insecurity and organized crime because of the heads of the drug dealers and it’s all your fault for consuming their product. Hope you get what you deserve. Dick.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=709095560 André Philippe Leblond

        However you are ignoring the fact that it is not in the best interests of drug suppliers to KILL their clients. If their clients are dead, they certainly won’t be buying any more drugs.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=709095560 André Philippe Leblond

        However you are ignoring the fact that it is not in the best interests of drug suppliers to KILL their clients. If their clients are dead, they certainly won’t be buying any more drugs.

        • EFGHTFDGHTR

          Its not about the clients. Its about the people involved in drug dealing wars. Mexican cities close to the US border are not safe anymore. Drug dealing gangs need money and they commit crime, kidnapp people, confront the goverment with acts of terrorisim. Killing innocent people. In order for that drug to get to your country so you can have fun at a party. 

        • FOAD

          He could be buying weed that was originally grown for a medical marijuana smoke shop. Or MDMA some dude made in a lab in Amsterdam.

          The demand itself is not the problem–it’s the government’s handling of drugs. That’s all there is to it. Tobacco and alcohol are more dangerous than many other drugs (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Rational_scale_to_assess_the_harm_of_drugs_%28mean_physical_harm_and_mean_dependence%29.svg), but because they are legalized and regulated, do not cause organized crime. If they were not legal or regulated, they would be equally problematic (i.e. Prohibition).

          Then again, I get the impression you’re 12 years old or Nancy Reagan anyway, so I don’t know why I even bother. Grow the fuck up.

        • EFGHTFDGHTR

          I refuse to believe all of the americans are as stupid as you. Its sad to read someone with that poor argumentation capacity.  Do some research on “international stuff” and learn to discuss without that lame sophistry. 

        • FOAD

          Do you know how to speak English? I’d start there before delving into actual debates.

          Once you’ve mastered that, please explain to me how, oh, let’s say American-grown marijuana–regulated in the same way American-grown tobacco is–would be hurting anyone at all. Oh wait… it wouldn’t.

        • FOAD

          Do you know how to speak English? I’d start there before delving into actual debates.

          Once you’ve mastered that, please explain to me how, oh, let’s say American-grown marijuana–regulated in the same way American-grown tobacco is–would be hurting anyone at all. Oh wait… it wouldn’t.

        • DARKSTAR

           Maria Full of Grace

          suq mah diq wit red lipstiq don let it smear

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=201002708 Alyssa Johnston

          LOL. Reading comprehension.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=201002708 Alyssa Johnston

          LOL. Reading comprehension.

    • Dreface

      I’m a drug dealer and this piece hurt my feelings. Just cause we sell drugs doesn’t mean we’re bad people. What’s wrong with spending some QT with a client of mine? Also, I’m paranoid not because I sell drugs but because I’m Jewish and pretty much my entire family was killed in the Holocaust. Ryan, I really liked this but please acknowledge that drug dealers are people too. 

    • Dreface

      I’m a drug dealer and this piece hurt my feelings. Just cause we sell drugs doesn’t mean we’re bad people. What’s wrong with spending some QT with a client of mine? Also, I’m paranoid not because I sell drugs but because I’m Jewish and pretty much my entire family was killed in the Holocaust. Ryan, I really liked this but please acknowledge that drug dealers are people too. 

      • Scum

        Lol you suck at trolling. JEWISH ASSHOLE! 

        • Dreface

          Well, I’m not sure what trolling is but I assume you think it’s a bad thing. But no I’m not trolling as you say, merely being open and honest on a site that I love to read. And thanks for the “jewish asshole” comment. You’ve very effectively confirmed my paranoia. 

      • Scum

        Can´t tell if trolling or just very stupid. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=201002708 Alyssa Johnston

      While reading this I got the banner ad: “Sober College” Not Your Ordinary Rehab” Clearly I have been missing half the fun of TC with my ad blocker.

    • Uhnonnymus

      Funnier when Bob Foster did it: http://streetbonersandtvcarnage.com/blog/things-i-miss-about-drugs/

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