Things I Will Do If I Have A Crush On You

If I have a crush on you, I will ignore you. This is stupid and I hate it but it’s what I do. I will look at you and be like, “OMG, you’re funny and cute and smart. Now, get the hell away from me!” This is a quality I have that drives me actually crazy. I’m back in the fourth grade throwing sand at my crush at the playground. Whenever I ignore someone I have a crush on, I want to be able to send them some sort of smoke signal that says, “S.OS., I like you. Please just talk to me more and I will calm down!” That being said, if I ignore you, there’s a good chance it’s because I actually don’t like you. Gee, this sounds confusing. I’m really screwed, aren’t I?

If I have a crush on you, I hope and pray you will figure it out because I will probably never tell you. I usually have two balls (they hang next to my penis) but when I see a crush, my balls are immediately like, “XOXO, I’m out of here!” and leave me stranded. Because I’m debilitatingly shy, I count on your perceptive abilities to translate my seeming disinterested as actually “COME KISS ME NOW. FIVE MINUTES AGO. YESTERDAY!” It’s not that hard, okay? If you aren’t a mind reader, maybe we weren’t meant to be together!

If I have a crush on you, I will get so excited and think about you a lot and do all of the things that someone does when they see a potential opportunity for their life to change. Maybe I’ll get too excited and like the chase more than the catch. Maybe I’ll pretend you’re something you aren’t and delude myself into thinking you’re a sarcastic younger Antonio Banderas when you’re actually timid and boring and look like Michael Cera. I won’t realize my mistake until we’ll be sitting together watching the television in silence and I’ll think to myself, “Wait, what have I done? Where’s Antonio? Dónde?”

If I have a crush on you, there’s a good chance you won’t like me back. It’s not as if I fall for people who are unattainable, it’s just that…I fall for people who are unattainable. Rats! This has to do with the whole “I’m too scared to talk to you” thing though. You see, if I don’t actually like you, I’ll be able to talk to you easily and flirt and laugh and rub your arm. I feel no nervousness because I just won’t think of you in that way. So just to recap, I ignore the people I actually like and lead on the people I don’t. WHAT?!

If I have a crush on you, then you’re making me happy. Even if nothing happens between us, being smitten is fun and warm and fuzzy so it’s okay. It’s better than not liking anyone at all. Right? TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://twitter.com/panoramiccolors berna fett

    I’ll mail you a pair of balls. Hopefully those won’t run away. 

  • Dom

     bahaha ryan spot on as always.

  • CC

    flawless description of my life, as usual, Ryan. 

  • CC

    flawless description of my life, as usual, Ryan. 

  • http://twitter.com/pacitaf paci fernandez

    Helga Pataki sindrome, that is. Me too. Sadly, if we ever have a crush on each other, we’ll never know. 

  • http://twitter.com/pacitaf paci fernandez

    Helga Pataki sindrome, that is. Me too. Sadly, if we ever have a crush on each other, we’ll never know. 

  • Suethatname

    This was actually very comforting, I am not alone in reacting in strange way to attraction.

  • Hansie

    uninterested, not disinterested! Sorry, I’m a pedant. (A pedant who runs away at the first sign of any sort of crush-reciprocity, obviously)

  • h e a t h e r

    i love this. 

  • what

    …have we met? because you seem to know me really, really well.

  • Chloe Scheffe

    100% TRUTH. This describes me so accurately, it’s eerie. 

  • Gazeclear

    does anyone why it’s so cool to pretend you don’t like the person when you like the person? maybe life would be easier and more fun if we weren’t all shy babies.

    • Megan

      It’s not cool, you just can’t help it!

    • Sally Jenkins

      THE SHYBABIES … my new twee pop band name

  • Gazeclear

    does anyone why it’s so cool to pretend you don’t like the person when you like the person? maybe life would be easier and more fun if we weren’t all shy babies.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002517796195 AMomstruth Opened

    Awwww…. I LOVE this. The very last paragraph is my favorite and so totally relatable. {{{HUGS}}}

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Ryan,  as Cheap Trick  once said, “I want you to want me.”

  • why

    I tend to like guys who are a little shy and aloof. It makes them mysterious. Especially if they give you maybe a tiny clue that they might be looking your way. Desire has to be strong enough to make me want to flirt and get to know someone. After all… what if I make the conversation boring or awkward for the shy guy? Even though I am mostly confident even I can make embarrassing moves in dating.

    Though I am outgoing. I don’t meet a lot of shy guys to date. I end up meeting outgoing and straight-forward guys who I have no interest in… that ain’t right!

    • Anonymous

      so yeah…you are me pretty much

  • Kia

    You stole this message from my mind!
    Now, let’s find a solution. Crushes are great, but what’s next?

    • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

      A question for the ages.

  • K.

    I really can’t deal with how much Thought Catalog is feeding directly from my brain today (first Angela Chasisms, now crushes)

  • Jon

    “This is a quality I have that drives me actually crazy.”

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

  • http://twitter.com/kevincougar Put it all on meh

    Get out of my head!/Your clairvoyance never ceases to amaze me.

  • Clowve

    Very relatable, but truthfully speaking, isn’t your best work.

    I still love you, though! :*

    • http://twitter.com/whoismau Mauricio

      Gurl, you could not be more wrong. This was rich. I shrieked (read: laughed loudly in a high pitch) more times than I usually do when reading TC.

  • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

    “Wait, what have I done? Where’s Antonio? Dónde?”

    DONDE????? best part of the article.

    • ANG

      You stole my comment!!!  

  • Evanjoyce10

    Ryan, you sir have a gift of articulating L.I.F.E. Such an entertaining read.

  • Allison Quicoy

    Oh my god.  This could be something I would write in my diary (if I had one). Except for the balls part, which I literally don’t have.

    And this part: “Whenever I ignore someone I have a crush on, I want to be able to send them some sort of smoke signal that says, “S.OS., I like you. Please just talk to me more and I will calm down!” That being said, if I ignore you, there’s a good chance it’s because I actually don’t like you. Gee, this sounds confusing. I’m really screwed, aren’t I?” WE ARE SCREWED.

  • Cockyrocky

    Things I will do if I have a crush on you: nothing, and that’s why I suck!

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