Things I Will Do If I Have A Crush On You

If I have a crush on you, I will ignore you. This is stupid and I hate it but it’s what I do. I will look at you and be like, “OMG, you’re funny and cute and smart. Now, get the hell away from me!” This is a quality I have that drives me actually crazy. I’m back in the fourth grade throwing sand at my crush at the playground. Whenever I ignore someone I have a crush on, I want to be able to send them some sort of smoke signal that says, “S.OS., I like you. Please just talk to me more and I will calm down!” That being said, if I ignore you, there’s a good chance it’s because I actually don’t like you. Gee, this sounds confusing. I’m really screwed, aren’t I?

If I have a crush on you, I hope and pray you will figure it out because I will probably never tell you. I usually have two balls (they hang next to my penis) but when I see a crush, my balls are immediately like, “XOXO, I’m out of here!” and leave me stranded. Because I’m debilitatingly shy, I count on your perceptive abilities to translate my seeming disinterested as actually “COME KISS ME NOW. FIVE MINUTES AGO. YESTERDAY!” It’s not that hard, okay? If you aren’t a mind reader, maybe we weren’t meant to be together!

If I have a crush on you, I will get so excited and think about you a lot and do all of the things that someone does when they see a potential opportunity for their life to change. Maybe I’ll get too excited and like the chase more than the catch. Maybe I’ll pretend you’re something you aren’t and delude myself into thinking you’re a sarcastic younger Antonio Banderas when you’re actually timid and boring and look like Michael Cera. I won’t realize my mistake until we’ll be sitting together watching the television in silence and I’ll think to myself, “Wait, what have I done? Where’s Antonio? Dónde?”

If I have a crush on you, there’s a good chance you won’t like me back. It’s not as if I fall for people who are unattainable, it’s just that…I fall for people who are unattainable. Rats! This has to do with the whole “I’m too scared to talk to you” thing though. You see, if I don’t actually like you, I’ll be able to talk to you easily and flirt and laugh and rub your arm. I feel no nervousness because I just won’t think of you in that way. So just to recap, I ignore the people I actually like and lead on the people I don’t. WHAT?!

If I have a crush on you, then you’re making me happy. Even if nothing happens between us, being smitten is fun and warm and fuzzy so it’s okay. It’s better than not liking anyone at all. Right? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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