Ten Reasons Why You Should Never Date Me

  1. You will have to listen to so much shoegaze. Not only will I play it when we make out, I’ll sneak it on at two in the afternoon or when we’re getting ready to go out on a HOT date. You’ll be like, “Hi. Can we not listen to music that makes me want to slit my wrists? Put on some Britney!” and I will freak out, cry crocodile tears and solemnly put on Femme Fatale.
  2. I like my alone time, which can easily be read as, “Don’t talk to me. I hate you.” That’s not what it means. I just really like going to the magazine store on Saturdays, buying the new issue of Vanity Fair and reading it a cafe for five hours. Some dudes can’t hang with a Miss Independent. If you want someone who’s gonna be all up on your grill every second of every day, I am not the one for you.
  3. I’m a Virgo. Google it.
  4. I’m a writer who talks about his life for a living. If this freaks you out, then I’m actually happy and like you even more. You should want our relationship to be private. Here’s something that should put you at ease though: I only write about relationships after the fact. I would never write an article called “Ten Reasons Why I’m Happy My Relationship Status Is Changed On Facebook.” I won’t live-blog our fights. “10:02- Um, he just called me emotionally unavailable and ate all my crackers. 10:04- We’re cuddling.” Everything will be pretty much kept under wraps. However, I’m still a writer and an ambitious one at that, which means that it’s my job to have feelings. And I never go on vacation.
  5. I’m a drive-by spooner. I get in, I get out, and I go to my corner of the bed ASAP. If you want something to hold on to all night, I suggest investing in a body pillow. Maybe one that has a picture of my face on it? Love you, babe!
  6. Depending on how much hotter you are than me/ how much I love you, I may be singing “Hey Jealousy” by The Gin Blossoms more often than you’d like. I might be like “where r u where r u where r u” if you aren’t home and wonder if you’re galavanting around town with a Lance Bass look-alike. I haven’t behaved like an insane jealous bitch since high school but I believe that it can always come back. (Just a little F.Y.I. for those of you who are on the fence about dating me. IS ANYONE OUT THERE? HELLO? IS THIS BLOG ON?)
  7. Our whole relationship could be you just taming my brattiness. “I don’t want to go that restaurant. It sucks and you suck for liking it! Okay wait, let’s go to the restaurant. Babe, I’m sorry for being such a brat.” If I’m in love with you, I will always apologize for being a jerk and maybe add an extra five minutes to the nightly BJ, but that means having to deal with my brattitude.
  8. I can be a compulsive flirt but that’s just because I know I have a man and it’s fun to play with people’s emotions! If my flirting with the mall security guard upsets you, you should probably start running away now. And yes, this would make me a hypocrite.
  9. I’ll make you watch episodes of Popular, The Comeback and Rich Girls over and over, and if you don’t laugh at the appropriate times, I’ll ask you over and over if you think it’s funny. “Oh god, you hate it. I know you do. Just tell me.”
  10. JK to all of this. I’m a catch. Date me! Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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