Thought Catalog

Ten Reasons Why Masturbating Can Be Better Than Sex

  • 0
  1. Your hand doesn’t talk back. It doesn’t bitch and complain or ask to be on top. It doesn’t text you at three in the morning asking you to come over. Your hand doesn’t yell. It doesn’t bum you out and make you cry to “Wonderwall” alone in your room. And it’s certainly not going to ask you to pay for dinner.
  2. Which brings me to my second reason: masturbating is 100% free! If you think sex is free, then you’re clearly not thinking hard enough. Sex is not free. Sex is a cab ride to the middle of nowhere at five am. Sex is oysters, alcohol, a new pair of jeans. Sex is expensive for everyone (not just Charlie Sheen).
  3. You’re the one steering in the boat. Oftentimes having sex can feel like a compromise (oh, you want it that way? okkayyyy fine). When you’re jacking off, it is all about your wants and needs. Don’t want to take your socks off? You don’t have to! It’s your fantasy, mister! You call all the shots.
  4. Fantasies are what makes masturbating so fun. Sure, you can roleplay and dress up in the bedroom, but there’s a limit. Your boyfriend is never going to be the English teacher with the tight ass you wanted to bang in eleventh grade (no matter how many desks you have sex on) and your girlfriend is never going to be that hot girl in the laundromat you saw one day five years ago. Who knew that the laundromat girl would end up being the masturbatory gift that kept on giving, by the way?
  5. Do you miss the best sex you ever had? Well, it’s still here waiting for you! Using the power of your mind and hand, you can revisit your sexiest moments. Sometimes I feel weird about masturbating to people I’ve already slept with but I get over it. After all, there’s no shame in the self-pleasure game.
  6. You can often have better orgasms.  Who can do you better than…you? That’s why I always pass on handjobs. It’s like “Please do something to me that I literally cannot do already myself. I am usually so limited. There are a myriad of different ways you can get me off that I could never do as a solo star.”
  7. It’s empowering! A good masturbation sesh is amazing “ME” time. Screw going to lunch and the movies alone. Go home and screw yourself.  I don’t trust people who don’t masturbate. If you can’t get down with your private parts, you’re going to be no fun when you’re getting down with someone else.
  8. You rarely will be disappointed. If you don’t have the orgasm of your liquid dreams, you have no one to blame but your lack of sexy imagination.
  9. You can go to your sexy #dark place. I swear, I’ve felt more Catholic guilt over my masturbation fantasies than what I’ve actually done during sex.
  10. You don’t have to wear a condom, worry about getting pregnant or acquiring an STD. I saved the most obvious for last. TC mark
image – I Touch Myself

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    • guest

      I’m a girl and idk how to masturbate, someone help!

      • guest

        Seriously though…

        • None

          Play around with yourself and see what you like. It takes some time.

          Or, ask a girlfriend at one of your sleepovers and email me about it =D

      • Easy solution

        Get a vibe, girl.

      • http://maxwellchance.wordpress.com Duke Holland of Gishmale

        Massage your clitoris? 

      • Abc

        I’ll help!

      • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

        Uh… picture Jesus with a very disappointed look on his tear-stained face, staring at you from the top of his lonely cross?

      • http://profiles.google.com/nadamasx d w

        Google “female masturbation”.  You’ll find lots of help.  It’s a skill you’ll be thankful for forever…

      • http://eccentricerrant.wordpress.com/ Alexandrea

        Just twiddle with your lady bits ’til you find something you respond to.

      • Jlo

        Go watch some videos, you dumb ass fucker. I swear I fucking hate you but I will still lick your clit. Pussy lover. Suck my fat cock. Whore! Nigget! Cunt.

    • Guest

      how did i know this article was going to be from you ryan?

      • Anonymous

         EXACTLY the comment I was about to post.

      • Anonymous

         EXACTLY the comment I was about to post.

      • Jlo

        Shut the fuck up, cuntburger.

    • sad boner

      You don’t have to worry about ejaculating in 30 seconds. :[

      • Jlo

        You are a Vermont cunt living in my pussy now. Suck my tits, bitch.

    • basically, yeah

      Every guy who reads this needs to try the following technique:
      “And you’ll have a hand free to steady yourself:Squat down real low, until your ass is hitting your feet. Then jack off. For some odd reason in this position you can get on hell of a orgasm in no time and you also will blow more cum than normal.”You’re welcome.

      • Guest

        ….I suddenly wish I was a guy so I could try this out…

        • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

          There are many websites that can help you on that path.

        • Jlo

          Ya fucking cunt!

        • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

          Any gender capable of having an orgasm from riding a horse or straddling a washing machine during spin-cycle has nothing to envy the penis-haver over

        • Cami

          Please. A washing machine ?? It doesn’t even make me shiver. That’s a myth.

        • Jlo

          So you tried out the washing machine, you fucking nasty ass whore.

      • klaus

        Is this a real thing?

        • basically, yeah

          Yeah. Actually. Why are you waiting?

    • http://maxwellchance.wordpress.com Duke Holland of Gishmale

      I fucking hate handjobs. 

      • Mckenzie Meghan

        I hate giving them

    • Guest

      should be required reading in grade 9 sex-ed. 

    • Paul

      Nice.  But most of these are kind of the same reason: you know what you like.  Wrong about the handjob, though.  There are guys as awesomely talented with their digits as other guys are with their orbiculars.  A handjob from another guy is better than a handjob from yourself in the same way that a massage from another guy is better than squeezing your own shoulder.  You can kiss yourself in the mirror easily enough.  No muss no herpes.  But then you kiss another guy who knows how and the whole world makes sense.   Same with handjobs. 

    • http://4theluvofwriting.blogspot.com Sarcasm Goddess

      “I don’t trust people who don’t masturbate.” Hahahahha.  Can I get that on a t-shirt?

    • GeneticHuman

      Masturbation is just sex with someone you love.

      • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

        I can’t believe Woody Allen reads Thought Catalog!

    • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

      I am going to stop having sex and start masturbating, full time.

    • Asdf

      http://i.imgur.com/8Frx2.png — Unfortunately, as a south paw, I am still discriminated against.

    • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

      FUCK YEAH SINGLE JERKIN’ THE GERKIN’ LIFE. VIVA LA MASTURBACIÒN

    • sex&drugs&rock&roll

      Nice #dark reference.

    • the sexiest guest

      all i need is a mirror.

    • Guest

      What, I only masturbate to the people I’ve slept with…

    • Disgruntled

      that I can literally determine your relationship status over time just by checking the homepage of thought catalog  is a sign that you should probably either get your own blog or keep more of this to yourself.

      • the sexiest guest

        or realize that masturbation is kinda loser-ish, at best *evil grin*

    • the sexiest guest

      on one hand, great. on the other hand, if we are going to look further into it, masturbation itself is a very strange act. it is simulated sex. your hand is simulating the act of sex, so, like, masturbation is like a designer knock off. just saying..sex came before masturbation, it is by no means superior..

    • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

      Marry someone you consider hot. Seriously. Masturbation doesn’t come (no pun intended) close.  Without the distracting need to put up a front or put on a show (as you do with a stranger), you can relax and concentrate on the pleasure while watching the live raw porno of your naked wife/husband bending to your will (and bending you to his or hers).

      Masturbation, versus that, is like comparing a Facebook-chat to a great night out with a bunch of slightly-drunk friends in a cool restaurant. Ie:  no comparison! No matter what the lonely try to tell you! (laugh: no offense).

    • Guest

      Totally agree with Ryan. I love sex with my boyfriend but masturbation is usually more self-pleasing.

    • Anonymous

      What is the height of mixed emotions?

      Masturbation.

    • Burger King

      “After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the
      first twenty minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live.”- ERICA JONG

    • COMEwhatmay

      I feltbthe #dark reference coming on…

    • goldwing

      a can shoot all over the other hand and  no one complains

    • Jlo

      Someone play with my clit and call me a cunt. Fuck yeah, ya dumb nigger bitch. Fuck yeah! Cuntburger skanky whore.

    • http://thislifeinphotos.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/things-they-should-have-taught-us-in-sex-ed-part-1/ Things They Should Have Taught Us in Sex Ed: Part 1 « thislifeinphotos

      […] you still need convincing, view Thought Catalog: Ten Reasons Why Masturbation Can Be Better Than Sex, by my favorite […]

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