Thought Catalog

Top Five Things People Like To Write On Someone's Facebook Wall

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1. Miss your FACE girlie. Drinks soon?

Facebook is a place for you to communicate with lingering bugaboos and friends on the periphery. In fact, if I write on your wall, chances are it’s because we aren’t good friends. I can’t remember the last time I wrote on my BFF’s walls something like, “hey babe! how r u?” Why? BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW. We just hung out and got frozen yogurt together, hello!

2. Um, did last night even happen? FML. So hungover.

People like to let everyone know on the Internet just how hard they partied last night (it was really hard). Facebook wall posts that discuss the shenanigans of the night before are usually cloaked in vague references and inside jokes. This is meant to pique the interest of lurkers everywhere. “OMG, I wonder what they did last night. Did they just make a thinly-veiled reference to doing blow?! Jelly…” It can inspire a pretty lengthy comment thread (ex: “I can’t move.” “Really? I’m still drunk.”) and it’s basically just a giant bragfest. When I was 19, the FB wall brag was my jam but making mistakes at 24 is far more embarrassing and needs to be covered up immediately.

3. It’s our one year, honey. I am so madly in love with you. You light up my life. Every day is a dream with you. See you in 30 minutes. Do you want to do Italian tonight?

Couples gushing about each other on their Facebook walls should be illegal. Like Time Warner Cable or Comcast needs to come to their door, find their router and smash it into a million pieces while screaming, “GO TO YOUR ROOM AND DON’T COME OUT UNTIL YOU’VE REALIZED THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS!” It’s the new form of PDA. If we thought smooching in public was bad, declarations of love and devotion on the internet is the absolute worst.

4. Will I see you at Christmas this year? Love to the family!

It’s the best when an old person writes on a twenty-something’s wall, especially if the twenty-something is trying to cultivate a cool internet image. They’ll have cute polaroids of themselves and adorable wall postings by their equally adorable friends when all of a sudden Jean Record (whose default is a picture of her and a horse cropped poorly) comments something so real about their family. The jig is up, my friend! You have a family! You have an aunt who only knows you in the context of holidays and isn’t even aware that you’re sort of popular on the internet.

5. It’s been ages. How ya been, man?

This falls in a similar category as “Miss your face girlie” but it’s a little bit more removed. The person writing “miss your face girlie” probably hasn’t seen you in one to two months whereas “How ya been, man?” hasn’t seen you in YEARS. They’re a random from high school who you were maybe close with for like a sec and now you have to respond with, “not much! just working at *insert job here* in *insert place here*. Finishing up school and thinking about grad school. You?” You obviously don’t give a shit what this person is doing but Facebook has pinned you against a wall and you have no choice. You must fill your brain with more pointless information about people you never cared about. It’s like an internet law. TC mark

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    • Jordan

      We get it Ryan, The Internet.

      And cocaine.

      • Ryan O'Connell

        hunny you really dont like my internet posts

        • Jordan

          Certain ones, yeah.  Pieces like these just seem so vacuous and trite,
          especially when I see the stuff you CAN write, and considering how many
          of them have been written already by yourself and others.

          I’ve left many a good comment on your pieces as well

          (Put this in the wrong place)

        • Guest

          GO HOME!

        • leslienico

          So…you are saying that someone can’t be multi-talented and write pieces that wrench your heart but also pieces that are lighthearted, hilarious and make you spit out your drink. Fuck that.

      • Guest

        Go home!

    • http://twitter.com/garison Gary Colwell

      You forgot the obligatory  HAPPY BIRTHDAY posts that clog up my wall daily. UGH!

      • Candace

        Fuck, is there a way a block HAPPY BIRTHDAY posts.  On my birthday I took down my birthday so I didn’t have birthday posts.  I wanted people to actually call or text me.  Sheeet.

    • Jordan

      Certain ones, yeah.  Pieces like these just seem so vacuous and trite, especially when I see the stuff you CAN write, and considering how many of them have been written already by yourself and others.

      I’ve left many a good comment on your pieces as well

    • guest

      My mom for some reason has a lot of couple friends who do that – she shows me and we gag together.  Once the people were sending each other romantic wall posts WHILE STILL AT DINNER TOGETHER.

      “Oh my dearest love I can’t stop looking at you tonight
      2 minutes ago  – like”

      you know that kind of thing 

      ugh

    • http://twitter.com/rmnks ramnik s.

      You forgot the – “OMG so good seeing you the other day, do it again soon?” 
      FML and F YOUR LIFE.

    • http://twitter.com/rmnks ramnik s.

      You forgot the – “OMG so good seeing you the other day, do it again soon?” 
      FML and F YOUR LIFE.

    • federico

      quit facebook last month oh yea

      • candace

        I like it to keep in touch with my family.

    • http://www.TechComet.com abhiroopb

      I think the last one is what FB is made for. I’ve moved around a lot and have cultivated friends from different parts of the world. It’s impossible to stay in touch without the Internet (and esp FB which everyone seems to check over SMS and emails!)

      • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

        True. Although sometimes it’s tough to see those how people’s lives just continue around you like you were never there, once you’re gone.  FB can be a constant reminder, which is why I keep away most of the time now.

    • Lillian

      ugh, i really am feeling you on the whole “i am frustrated that i am forced to stay in contact with people i don’t care about because of facebook” thing. but is there a way to remedy this feeling without rejecting technology/being less in touch with what’s going on?

    • Kathryn Stahl

      Fuck #3 so hard…my brother and his girlfriend do this all the time and it fills me with rage (even thought I like them together). No one needs to see that shit.

    • meg

      maybe google plus will be different? nah…

    • Kelly

      Hahah this is the best article! SO true

    • damo

      oh facebook, you randy blue devil, you.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1198922828 Marianna Elvira

      posting this article on my wall has prompted it to be covered in people saying these exact things to me.
      (Y)

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