Madison Moore

16. When is our table gonna be ready? You said 20 minutes and right now it’s 21 minutes.

PLEASE DO NOT SQUEEZE.

For any mere mortal, getting admitted to or even wait-listed at one Ivy League school is a huge feat, so getting in to all of them is big news indeed.

Did you know that in Japan no one orders sake bombs….EVER?

Apparently if you tell someone you’ve never orgasmed from oral sex it will make them try harder!

When you’re dating an emotionally unavailable person it often seems like you’re trying to walk against the traffic down a one-way street, rather than having room for you both to move down the sidewalk together.

Never go to bed angry.

Or excuse me, “Concentrations.”

If you’re not happy with the way something is on your campus, change it. It’ll be great for giving you a sense of purpose, and it will look great on your resume too.

Don’t let the extroverts get to you.

“Another black guy who is racist against his own people!” He blocked me immediately.

5. When he hands you a clean STD screening!

90% of U.S. money has cocaine on it. I am sniffing my bills but nothing is happening.

PRINCE AND ZOOEY DESCHANEL HAVE RECORDED A SONG.

My mom texted me a picture of my nephew in his little Batman costume on Halloween and it was a total awe-fest.

There are probably a handful of books out there that have changed the way you see everything — fiction and non-fiction.

Are you sure you’re wiping correctly?

There’s a girl in here who might actually be the real Beyoncé.