22 People Share The Weird Things They Do In Private

There are things we all do when in the comfort of our own homes that we would be MORTIFIED if anyone caught us doing. I definitely talk to myself all the time — you know, to work out difficult ideas or things I’m thinking about. But see, the walls in my apartment are paper thin and my neighbors know I’m the only one who lives here. So do they like hear me talking to myself at 3 a.m.? Am I the only one who does this? I went over to AskReddit to find out the weird stuff people do.

1. Seems like everybody talks to themselves

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Shutterstock

I have full conversations with myself about hypothetical situations that usually won’t happen.

2. Literally everyone

Talk to myself, usually to reassure myself when something bad happens. Like I’ll say “Oh fuck, that just happened.. oh shit.. calm down, it’s okay, don’t worry… you’re fine!” For some reason it just makes everything so much better.

3. E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E

Talk to myself and reply to myself. I do it when I’m alone sometimes and it really helps me sort out my thoughts.

4. Do you worry people look down on you, too?

People in restaurants are looking down on me for eating alone. Runners are looking down on me for walking. The people behind me in line hate me for taking to long to put away my change. My waiter is judging me for having a complicated order.

5. That ear worm that just won’t go away.

Constantly having a song stuck in my head. It’s hard to tell because it’s sub-conscious, but I think there is a concert in my head 24/7. Sometimes the song dictates my mood. No idea if other people experience this.

6. Well now…

If anyone can hear me masturbating… It’s so conflicting.

7. Do you ever wonder how your voice sounds to other people? You’re not alone.

Just simply talking. Do other people think my voice sounds stupid? Too high-pitched? Voice cracks? Awkwardly deep voice? It’s especially worse when I listen to myself on video. It’s a cringe-fest. I’m usually fine/don’t notice but someone points something out or I notice something and suddenly it’s the only thing I can think of and I don’t want to converse with anyone anymore.

8. Hate small talk?

Is everybody else as uncomfortable as I am with small talk/greetings? I suspect yes, but they’re just better at faking it.

9. Are your poops normal?

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Shutterstock

The size of my poops. I was told by a doctor friend that your poop should be, on average, the size of a peeled banana. Mine are normally the length of my arm (not circumference guys, just the length).

10. And speaking of poops, do you hold your dick when you poop so it doesn’t touch that gross-ass toilet bowl?

I always hold my dick when I am taking a poop, too many times it has touched the bowl! I find it normal now but if someone were to walk in on me I feel like I would be doing something out if the ordinary.

11. We are all wannabe popstars!

Sometimes when I listen to music (especially Rap and Rock/Metal etc), I like to think about a scenario in my head where I perform the songs live on a big stage with people I know as listeners. I supprise them by my awesome sing/rap skills and I’m just a fucking badass in these moments.

12. Also what do you do about your asshole hair?

Ass hair. Not just on the cheeks but right around the hole. I’ve tried shaving it, but taking a shit with those bumps is just brutal. This is just way too awkward to talk to someond about. “Hey Jim, I was just wondering if you had a ton of hair in your asshole.”

13. Well here’s a guy who couldn’t figure out how to masturbate

I couldn’t figure out how to masturbate.

I would rub my tiny wiener, and it felt pretty good, but mostly that was it. I wouldn’t get an erection, and never had an orgasm. This is back in the dark ages, before internet porn was a thing, and my exposure to naked ladies was limited to moldy copies of Penthouse left in the woods for whatever reason that seems to require disposing of porn in a forest.

One day, a friend was talking about someone being a “jerk off”, and did the universal gesture for masturbation: the quick up and down fist pump. This was it, I thought. I hold the key to onanism.

I raced home from school, locked the door to my room, and tried this motion out. I managed to get erect. Hey, magic time is about to happen. I keep at it.

It certainly felt okay, but nothing stellar. I fail to see the appeal. I’m going nuts on my hog. After an hour straight, my penis is getting sore. But I’m no quitter. I’m gonna crack this cipher. I switch hands and continue. The head of my pole is starting to sting. I’m gritting my teeth. I only realize how long I’ve been at it when I hear my mom’s car pull in the driveway. I put on some shorts when I hear her calling. I tell her I don’t feel well and am going to bed without dinner. Apparently, me skipping a meal was kind of a tip off that something was afoot.

Twenty minutes later, she knocks on the door. I get up and open it, draped in a blanket.

She asks what I’m doing. I say sleeping. Why then, she says, is the kitchen lamp swinging to the beat of the vibrations my bed is making?

I don’t recall what kind of lie I concocted, but she didn’t press the issue. There was no turning back now. I beat my dick like it owed me money. At one point, I licked my palm, and realized that it was bloody. I had torn open the skin under my glans. I abandoned my frenzied jacking and ran to the bathroom to swaddle my doodle in toilet paper.

The next day, I was walking like Frankenstien’s Monster. I was chafed from tip to toe. And pure hell awaited me when I noticed that Shelley in math class was wearing that one sweater and smelled like flowers. I asked to go to the bathroom and rode out the rest of class trying to surreptitiously bathe my aching dong in the sink.

After that, I only did it with my thumb and forefinger. Gentle motions, light pressure. And I eventually achieved orbit. When I did see porn, I was amazed how the guys did it. Was that how it was done? Looked painful. Of course, I wasn’t going to ask anyone else about it.

In later years, I heard horror stories of guys with a “death grip” that cripples their ability to have normal sex.

I nearly broke that shit off. Lesson learned.

14. Guys, do you use your balls as a ramp when you pee, too?

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Shutterstock

When i pee, i whip out everything, balls and all. Let it get some fresh air, or if i am peeing relatively far away for fun in can use my balls as a kind of ramp to get the perfect angle. And i don’t hold it, i hold my pants down with my thumbs and let it dangle. Thats how everyone i know pees. But when people pee on TV they only pull out the ween, and they completely hold it with their whole hand. Is this for censoring purposes or do people actually pee like that?

15. Or do you use the “dick flap” in your shorts?

Also, does anyone actually use the little dick flap in their shorts or do they just pull it over the waistband? I tried using the hole a couple of times, but it takes so long and I must look stupid as fuck stumbling over my own dick.

16. Do you smell your own ass crack/crotch?

I came here looking for people that scratch their ass crack and smell their fingers… to check their funk, ya know. I was disappointed that I didn’t find it and had to create a throwaway for other scratch and sniffers to discover and feel normal. Maybe this is fucking weird.

17. All of these things

Ok, so i got a lot i need to list here: -peeing in the shower, can’t just be me -masterbating in bed, no tissues. If i’m gonna do it, i’m a do it my way. -as a straight guy, checking out buff dudes for the jealousy of how you want muscles like that -Saw porn before you knew average penis size and thought you had the smallest penis in the world all through high school -Name my car, kiss the dashboard, and tell it that i love it all the time -bring up old conversations you had in the past and run it as a simulation where based on what you know about the people involved, what would happen if you said something else, and be speaking aloud to yourself while going through it (i get a lot of “wow, what a crazy person” looks on that one) -honestly wanted charles to win that taylor swift contest just because all jokes aside, you think he’s a fan and would like it just as much as a little girl. -aaand lastly, hope that the kid who plays geoffrey’s character (game of thrones) gets hurt just because i hate his character, which i know makes him an excellent actor and the fact that he’s successful in playing a bad guy and making me hate him, makes me hate him even more.

18. Something everyone wonders

Sex. Like, am I doing this right? Do I move my hips the right way? My girlfriend obviously likes it, but we were each other’s firsts – what if we just mutually developed some weird-ass broken way to have sex? I will never find out until I have sex with whoever comes after my girlfriend (if that will ever be the case), and I’m fucking terrified of finding out I was doing it “wrong” the whole time. It will be like starting as a virgin all over again.

19. So many people are worried about the way they use the potty

I hope I’m not the only guy who pees sitting down.

20. Toe-Grabbers!

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Shutterstock

Pick things off the ground I’m too lazy to bend over to get with my hand-like feet.

21. Why are people so interested in other people’s pissing patterns?

Maybe I just missed it or maybe I’m the only one. But….peeing in the shower?! I’m a guy and it’s just so damned convenient.

22. This seems pretty legitimate, actually

I always hope I am making the right faces during sex. I swear if I’m enjoying it my face goes expressionless but that doesn’t communicate anything to my partner so I have to try to make some faces lol! What’s normal? I can’t ask anyone. I have never seen anyone else having sex of course and porn doesn’t count. Those are fake faces and forced sounds. Those women sound like they giving birth not having sex.

So what does your sex face say about YOU? TC mark

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