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“Here’s looking at you, kid.”

I am a bar exam failer. Nearly three years ago, I, like you, fruitlessly scanned the list of numbers to find that one had been omitted. Mine. 364.

29) Skipping class. Giving some lame-ass excuse about why you missed. Expecting to just roll into the final exam and pass everything. In real life, you can’t skip that much work without getting fired. So, enjoy skipping stuff while you can!

Answering a phone call while still in their bed and telling your friend “I can’t talk right now, I’ll tell you about it later.”

Don’t pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.

“I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.” Coco Chanel.

Take the day off of work, & get uproariously drunk during normal business hours. If you leave home, do not operate heavy machinery to reach your next destination.

How could a CatDog even happen? Why didn’t they ever separate? What is the meaning of life?

“HAY WORLD, GUNNA TRY U. WHAT’S CON ED? LOL”

Don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant and die.

Wonder Woman embodies the contradictions of any female hero in popular culture.

Whenever I suggest “Don’t send your kids to college,” a lot of very smart people invariably respond: “Well, what else should they do?” And this amazes me. I guess it’s really hard to figure out what people aged 18-23 should do during the most vibrant, healthy years of their lives when they grow from being a child to an adult.

“I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight, and I’ve already broken that promise five times. But I will not break it a sixth.”