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These 34 Chris Traeger-isms Are Literally The Greatest Quotes Of All Time

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Fact: Chris Traeger is literally the most underappreciated character on Parks and Recreation. The world’s most positive man (with an undercurrent of existential darkness) never fails to charm us with his chipperness, awkward cuteness and great pep talks. I want to be him when I grow up, except for that whole crying a lot thing.

In praise of Pawnee’s Six Million Dollar Man, these are the best Chris Traeger quotes. There are literally too many for one post, so feel free to leave your own in the comments. Next stop, Motivation Station!

1. “Goodbye, Ann Perkins, my faithful employee. Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess.”

2. “I think you’ve got several options. They’re all terrible…but you have them.”

3. Chris: “I want to apologize to all the women and Jerry. If I could go back in time and cut your eyeballs out, I would.” April: “Wow, that is so sweet.” Chris: “Thank you.”

4. “Your Inbox is literally filled with penises.”

5. “My body is finely tuned, like a microchip, and the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system.

6. “I have a resting heart rate of 23 beats per minute. The scientists who study me say my heart can pump jet fuel up into an airplane.”

7. “And then my herbalist took this weird bee pollen paste, rubbed it around my gums, and now my mouth feels like a spaceship.”

8. “I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That’s 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.”

9. “I vomited somewhere in this room. I don’t remember where, though. Wait. You might want to check that drawer.”

10. “I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.”

11. Ben: “Hypothetical crisis: Leslie just tried to answer a question, but audibly farted and then threw up. Spin.” Chris: “Leslie Knope is literally overflowing with ideas for this town. And speaking about methane, have you heard about her plan to limit greenhouse gas emissions?”

12. “If Tom were a bag of flour, that flour would never grow up to be a happy, well-adjusted loaf of bread. Much less a bran muffin, which is the highest honor flour can achieve.

13. “Well, I guess your uter-you and my uter-me are now our uter-us.”

14. Chris: “Rethink our visual brand, take these words, and make something amazing!” Tom: “So, you’re saying you want me to choose a new font?” Chris: “Yes, essentially I’d like you to choose a new font.”

15. “I’d like you to get me some more post-its. I’d like them in multiple colors. I’d like green. I’d like yellow. Do not buy orange. I do not want orange. I have plenty of orange.”

16. “The world’s my gymnasium, Ron!”

17. “You’re beautiful! On the inside…where your spirit lives.”

18. “I know what’ll loosen up our brains. Massage train. And, I know what you’re thinking. It’s not that I want a massage; I’ll be the caboose. And Ron Swanson is the locomotive.”

19. “A few months ago the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening toward Bummer-town, but now I’m infected with a deadly virus. And I feel fine!”

20. “Ann Perkins, you really know your testes!”

21. “I’m not lonely. I have me!”

22. “I am 100% certain that I am 0% sure of what I am going to do.”

23. “Labels can be bad, but they can also be good. ‘Warning: Toxic Bleach’ is a good label.”

24. “f I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.”

25. Chris: “I’m engrossed in this book. It’s the true story of a woman born with no arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel.” April: “That’s impossible.” Chris: “Oh, she drowned immediately. It’s kind of a sad story.”

26. “I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight, and I’ve already broken that promise five times. But I will not break it a sixth.”

27. “I was dying earlier today. Now I’m dead.”

28. “In case you were wondering why there was an opening in the Health Department it was because someone got fired after posting these signs about his ex-wife: Re-elect Jan Cooper, Mayor of Whorewille; Chlamydia affects nearly 100% of Jan Coopers; Jan Cooper will give you Chlamydia. Brought to you by the Pawnee Department of Public Health.”

29. To Tom: “You’re a smart, successful young man with an adorable little belly.”

30. “I was born with a blood disorder and my parents were told I had three weeks to live. And here I still am. Some 2,000 odd weeks later and I have enjoyed every one of them.”

31. “I had a dream. That [Leslie] came into this room. Stole all my flu medicine and told me not to tell you and disappeared through that hole in the wall.”

32. “As city manager, I play no favorites, but as a private citizen, I’m free to support whomever I choose. And I support Team Knope, because they’re the best! Everybody’s the best. We’re all winners.”

33. “Stop…pooping.”

34. “This was literally the most beautiful and moving thing I’ve ever heard.” TC mark

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