Take a bath. While bathing, listen to shitty 80s glam, but make sure you keep the radio your iPhone more than an arm’s reach away from the tub.

Eat some fruits and vegetables. Nothing like some fructose and greens to help yank the wrench out of your otherwise shitty day.

Write an awful one-act play. Then read it aloud. Make sure to distinguish between characters by changing the timbre of your voice. If still sad: drink.

Get dressed up, and prepare a long & drawn-out meal for yourself with multiple courses. If you’re an awful cook, go out to eat (but make sure you’re overdressed for the occasion — this is important — you want to feel like best goddamn looking person in the room).

Shave your face, legs, or genitalia.

Go to the library and people-watch until you’ve discovered their tics/eccentricities.

Write a letter to someone you’ve been meaning to talk to.

Masturbate. If still sad: masturbate again.

Call your mother. We don’t do this enough.

Donate time or money to your local public radio station.

Start a conversation with a stranger. Ask them how they lost their virginity, or where they grew up, or who they’re named after. If they return your question, lie — re-invent yourself for a moment.

Go to the bank, but do not make a deposit. Walk up to the candy jar, take a sucker and leave. Don’t take no for an answer.

Read a collection of short-stories. This way, you will feel good in spurts. Finishing things is satisfying.

Apologize to someone you’ve wronged, whether advertently or not.

Think of those who are worse off than you and tell yourself, “At least I’m not that guy.”

Write your own horoscope.

Make a list of things you fear. This should be both “trivial” things (e.g. mice, things that go *bump* in the night) and “big” things (e.g. death, failure, et cetera). Think long and hard about these things, and decide which would be most feasible to overcome. Then, overcome it.

Go to the Salvation Army, or Goodwill, or some sort of inexpensive consignment shop & find something fun to add to your habitat.

Take the day off of work and get uproariously drunk during normal business hours. If you leave home, do not operate heavy machinery to reach your next destination.

Go get your hair cut. All of them.

Discover something new about the world around you. Pay very close attention to details. Then write about it.

Clean and organize your living space. The feeling of a clean home is on par with an orgasm, or a fine steak cooked just the way you like it.

Host an impromptu dinner party. Cook comfort food and drink cheap wine.

Cry.

Rearrange your furniture. Position pieces with the end goal of creating more open space. If still sad, built a goddamn skylight.