Ryan O'Connell

Oh, you’re going to just tell your crush how you really feel about them? You’re just going to do that and ignore my advice, which was don’t text them back for two days and avoid exclamation points?

The Internet will hurt your feelings. You will find out information you wish you never knew and maybe you’ll go so far as to even cry! Imagine that: a machine you spent over a grand on is making you weep.

We need to move away from this constant need of coming across as calm, cool and collected. WE WEREN’T BUILT TO BE CALM, COOL, AND COLLECTED. If we were, it wouldn’t feel so exhausting all the time. It would, you know, come naturally to us.

You’ll go anywhere if there’s free food or drinks being offered. Unlike your other friends, you have no standards.

Speaking of relationships, you should get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, silly! What’ve you been doing all of this time being single and alone?!! Obviously your life’s boring. You have no one to share it with, LOL!

The fact that they’re not wasted. “I’m not drunk. Why? Do I seem like it? Am I being totally embarrassing? Answer me!!!!!”

The creepy right-wing vibes notwithstanding, the actual plot of Twilight is downright bizarre. If aliens came down to Earth and found out we were obsessed with this franchise, they’d be like, “JK, we’re leaving. You guys are freaks.”

You’re getting a vision again. Darn it! You know how the kid in The Sixth Sense could see dead people? Well, you have that too, except instead of dead people, you can see dead relationships.