Ryan O'Connell

What separates Kim Kardashian from all the other ladies who came to being known via a sex tape is that she’s managed to parlay it into a career that has NOTHING to do with sex.

We’re best friends because I can take you anywhere and you’ll adapt. Whether it’s the chicest party or some insufferable family gathering, you’ll deal with it like a champ. I don’t have to worry about leaving you alone or keeping you entertained.

Sometimes it’s okay to choose dicks before chicks. Sometimes it’s okay to go off the grid and just do the whole “I’M IN LOVE!” thing. The first few months of a relationship are always intoxicating. It’s like you’re on drugs and going on a love binge — it’s very “Hit Me Baby One More Time” — so it’s totally acceptable for you to ignore texts and become a selfish lovesick monster!

I learned so much about myself from dating. I was challenged and put out of my comfort zone. I was taught how to compromise and how to deal with different personalities. It was exciting, scary, and foreign.

Your first time is special. It sounds corny to say but how could it not be? SEX IS SO INSANE. The fact that we do it blows my mind on a regular basis. The first time is special because you feel like you’ve just been clued in on a giant secret.

Stoned sex always begins with the best of intentions. Your senses are working overtime and everything feels so amazing but it usually devolves into a long sex nap with nachos. Kissing is great because lips feel like goose feather pillows and the tongue has this slimy texture that actually feels great. It’s when things progress further that things can be overwhelming.

The best love songs make it possible for you to feel like you’re in love for the duration of the song. Even if you’ve been single for some time, you can play the song and feel like you belong to somebody. That’s what “I Only Have Eyes For You” does for me.

I want to impart my newfound wisdom to all of the readers who want their apartment to stop smelling like One Night Stand and Regret. Listen carefully, grasshoppers.

Herein lies the dilemma of having a crush. Do you actually want to act on it? Do you want to give them your phone number and resign yourself to feeling miserable until they finally text you? Sometimes it’s fun to just have the crush. The PG fantasy.

Um, you’re creepy? Um, you’re too old? Um, you’re too aggressive? Um, you smell like onions? Um, I think you have a boyfriend? Um, you just graduated high school? Um, I just ate a burrito and am not DTF? Um, you’re not cute? Um, I need to feel empowered by rejecting you?

Your boss could be a fat eyesore and you might still want to sleep with them sometimes. Think of Alec Baldwin in 30 Rock. Dude is seriously old and portly but there’s something so sexy about him. What could it be? Oh right, a little thing called power, which makes the sex world go ’round.

“Do you know *insert name of possible mutual friend here*? Because they also went to Bradford High and I thought you might know them. Oh, you don’t? It’s a really big school but I figured there was a chance. Okay.”

All the pretty girls went to the same sleepovers and told the same secrets and wore the same make up. They talked about the cute boys in their grade, the boys they knew could be theirs if they wanted them. They were starting to understand what having a beautiful face meant and they were starting to use it in the way society taught them.

Okay, I love getting drunk with someone I’m dating, especially if it’s at a house party or something. You can go and be your social drunk self, all while knowing that you have someone to go home with at the end of the night. There’s no pressure!

He has feelings. When you’re upset about something, he actually has the audacity to ask if you’re okay. Between sobs, you want to tell him that it’s not his job to care. He’s required to be incredulous about your emotions 24/7. There’s supposed to be comic misunderstandings, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, etc.

Am I seriously having a Sixteen Candles moment? Thank God I don’t care about my birthday because I would be really bummed right now if I did. I’m so happy that I’m immune to societal pressures and don’t care about my age or my future or anything for that mater! So very glad.

When I turn 25, I should stop being shocked by the fact that my peers are getting married. Proclaiming yourself husband and wife in your mid-twenties doesn’t completely read as a colossal mistake. It’s more of like a 30% mistake and 70% “Oh my god, young married couple. That’s kind of cute!”

Nothing pains me more than waiting for a VIP text message. Whether it’s a text from your ex, someone you’re planning on having sex with later, or your drug dealer telling you to go to some seedy location, you’ll be kept on pins and needles until your phone vibrates and makes that luscious beautiful sound that indicates that you have a new message.