Thought Catalog

Things You Must Stop Doing Once You Turn 25

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I’m turning 25 in two days, which makes me feel old only because I’ve been raised in an ageist society. As I get older, I actually do start to realize that “young” is a relative term. At fifteen, I shuddered at the thought of turning this age. I would’ve presumed my life to be over. No drinking, no going out, no fun! You’re a serious 25-year-old now! Today, I feel like as long as people still gasp and tell me, “Oh my god, you’re still a baby!” when I tell them my age at parties, I can still be considered young. So please never stop pinching my cheeks, you devilish thirtysomethings.

People typically like to celebrate getting older by getting wasted and sobbing in public. That’s not really my style though. I’m more of a “Let’s make an unrealistic list of the things I should stop doing once I’ve reached a certain age” kind of guy. I just love to set myself up for failure, you know? It’s sort of like my annual birthday gift to myself. Anyway, here’s my list. Anyone under the age of 25 should take heed and anyone over the age of 25 should start judging themselves.

When I turn 25, I should stop being shocked by the fact that my peers are getting married. Proclaiming yourself husband and wife in your mid-twenties doesn’t completely read as a colossal mistake. It’s more of like a 30% mistake and 70% “Oh my god, young married couple. That’s kind of cute!” I can still be annoyed though. People always reserve the right to be annoyed when others find love before them, duh!

When I turn 25, I should start “owning” my flaws rather than burying them under the rug that I purchased at IKEA. It’s what Jill Zarin from The Real Housewives Of New York does. She always says, “I’m a no good, very bad, terrible person…but I own it!” That sounds so freeing and adult—becoming an owner of your shortcomings as opposed to being a non-commital renter. I’m too poor to own a house at 25 but I will earn just enough to own the fact that I’m a Virgo emotional control freak! Yay. It should also be noted that getting older means modeling your life after Jill Zarin’s.

When I turn 25, I should stop saying no to that glass of wine at 3pm and start saying “Hey girl hey!” I’ve heard that getting older is a bitch and one must have several glasses of wine a day just to get through it. Being casually day drunk in your mid-twenties doesn’t hold such a stigma as it does when you’re, say, 24. You go from being a potential alcoholic who everyone is silently judging to being someone who just gets it.

When I turn 25, I should stop smiling at people who I would much rather kick in the eye. I really think Morrissey was on to something there. The other day while I was on the bus to Provincetown, a woman asked me if I could reach over and plug in her charger. I pretended to be asleep because I didn’t want to deal with it. Is that insane? It was the first time I’ve ever done something like that but I felt really grown up afterwards. I finally gave into my secret fantasy of being a giant asshole in public and it felt damn good. I’ve never smoked a cigarette but I imagine the feeling to be comparable to a post-coital cigarette and a slice of chocolate cake. Pure heaven. I’m still not ready to send something back at a restaurant though. I’m shooting for that to be included on the “The Things You Should Stop Doing When You’re 33” list.

Actually, the final and most important thing I should stop doing when I turn 25 is making these stupid lists. I should stop having such an emotional attachment to age and just be who I am and do the things I do and stop putting myself in situations where I know I will feel bad about myself! Uh, and by “I”, I meant “you” obviously. Bunch of age-obsessed freaks! What’s the matter with you?! TC mark

image – gotbrimmed

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    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

      Repeat after me: “There’s a hair in my salad! Ugh!”

    • indi

      casual day drunk is even better when you hit 29.

    • Thtsmyrugbystik

      Loved your astro reference, Morrissey plug, and the fact that you make lists!  I’m looking forward to when my afternoon wine becomes age appropriate (25 in 3 months, woo (?)).

    • Guest

      Clicked on article. Saw that it was written by Ryan O’Connell. Made this comment. Intending to now close article without reading it.

      • Ryan O'Connell

        Thanks for the traffic, beb!

        • Theroundnround

          ^ Exactly why you’re a shit writer.

        • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

          Also why this site is so heavily ad laden. The links IN the articles now? Too much. Sold out hard. 

        • Zoe

          oh gee, the fact that a word is a different color and underlined is so distracting! are you effing kidding me? theres may more white space on this site than practically any other site as highly visited. even bloggers have ads now. people have to make money somehow, dumbass.

        • spinflux

          Anybody who uses the internet nowadays and doesn’t know how to block ads is doing it wrong.

    • just sayin

      Ryan, I actually like some of your pieces, and I feel I would like a lot more of them if 80 percent weren’t:

      “10 Things A Twenty-Something Can’t Do But Kind Of Can But Only Before/After 25 Beb!”

      Come on.

    • brononymous

      Nice ‘Happy Birthday’ troll

    • brononymous

      Nice ‘Happy Birthday’ troll

    • http://twitter.com/bybeautydamned Maria Carreon

      This is the worst list I’ve ever read.  At the oooold age of 32 I would still plug in someone else’s charger.  And at the yoooung age of 19, I wasn’t afraid to send something back at a restaurant.  I like a lot of the posts on this site, but this one thoroughly missed the mark.  If it had at least made me laugh, I would forgive you, but it didn’t so much as muster a chuckle beneath all of the phlegm that has built up in my throat in the eons that I’ve been alive.

      • ALRochester

        Amen! I’m turning 26 in two days and I thought this might be worth a look as I sunset a quarter century…but it sucked away two minutes of my life and made me feel sorry for the writer. Never even one cigarette?! And Jill Zarin? Seriously?

        • a.

          Well, this is a rare occasion when someone feels sorry for Ryan O’Conn rather than envious of his life/writings/general sense of being #dark

      • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

        Agreed on the plugging in someone’s charger (have you never asked the same of others?) and sending something back at a restaurant.   If it’s not good, don’t eat it.  I thought these things were a given.

        • http://twitter.com/bybeautydamned Maria Carreon

          Yeah, it’s like saying, “At 25 you become a person” and, according to the author, a total asshole.  I sort of take exception to both, as I think I was a person before I turned 25 and I certainly think I am less of an asshole now in my 30s than ever before!  But one thing I will say: GO VIRGOS!  :)

        • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

          I would say I’m definitely less of a jerk but I’m better at standing up for myself in a way which is non confrontational and yet to the point.  Those sort of skills are priceless.   And yes, I credit that to age.

    • http://twitter.com/bybeautydamned Maria Carreon

      This is the worst list I’ve ever read.  At the oooold age of 32 I would still plug in someone else’s charger.  And at the yoooung age of 19, I wasn’t afraid to send something back at a restaurant.  I like a lot of the posts on this site, but this one thoroughly missed the mark.  If it had at least made me laugh, I would forgive you, but it didn’t so much as muster a chuckle beneath all of the phlegm that has built up in my throat in the eons that I’ve been alive.

    • http://www.facebook.com/mikecosta Michael Costa

      Haha this is great. I turn 25 this Saturday.

    • http://kelianaya.com Keli Anaya

      Ryan, nooooooooooooo. It’s just a state of mind. Kind of. 

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      I will never stop sending food bad when it’s horribly wrong/doesn’t cater to my fake-allergic needs. (Seriously though, mayo is disgusting and I will never eat it voluntarily under any conditions.) 

      • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

        I agree with this. 

    • stormyquin

      I’m turning 25 too!! :D …. and now I’m sad again..

    • http://twitter.com/Flarfer Dave P

      Re Morrissey: People who are going to make snap judgments on your flaws without seeing the bigger pitcure. People who judge you on the basis of perceived non-conformity to social norms. 

      Kick in the eye.

    • Kas262

      “I’m too poor to own a house at 25 but I will earn just enough to own the fact that I’m a Virgo emotional control freak! “Thank you spirit animal, gay brother from another mother, Virgo. 25 in 11 days. Cue quarter life crisis and love it.

      • Anonymous

        virgo control freaks are the best! 

        • vintagelace

          I’m 22 in 17 days. I can’t wait till it means I can stop hanging out with 19/20 year old engineering students who think they know more about the world than anyone else. Next year after I graduate (I’ll be 23) I’m going to Europe and I’m going to start living life. 

          Also, Virgo love.

        • Anonymous

          Europe sounds amazing! I definitely learned heaps and heaps between the age of 21-25. Growing pains may be an understatement! Where in Europe are you goin?

        • vintagelace

          I plan on moving to Netherlands, don’t care where and mostly don’t care what I do for work. There certainly isn’t much life experience to be had here in Newcastle.

    • http://matadornetwork.com Carlo Alcos

      Oh youngin’…much to learn, much to learn ;)

    • http://twitter.com/madddesign Madelyn Owens

      I’m so inspired by this piece that I think I’ll get a 9 month head start and just start being an asshole now!

      p.s. Happy Birthday!

    • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

      Twenty-five has been my age of sex. Finally, all the hot babes are sexing me. I can only hope the same happens for you. And everyone. But save a few more for me.

    • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

      Twenty-five has been my age of sex. Finally, all the hot babes are sexing me. I can only hope the same happens for you. And everyone. But save a few more for me.

    • http://bluebeadsandbones.tumblr.com Brittany M

      We are virgo soul sisters! Happy 25th.

    • CM

      Oy, just turned 24… I would marvel at how young I was at 23, but 24 has a WHOLE DIFFERENT ring to it. Yikes.

    • CM

      Oy, just turned 24… I would marvel at how young I was at 23, but 24 has a WHOLE DIFFERENT ring to it. Yikes.

    • CM

      Oy, just turned 24… I would marvel at how young I was at 23, but 24 has a WHOLE DIFFERENT ring to it. Yikes.

    • CM

      Oy, just turned 24… I would marvel at how young I was at 23, but 24 has a WHOLE DIFFERENT ring to it. Yikes.

    • devin

      I feel depressed. I’m 27.

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