1. Talk to someone about how much you hate waiting for a text message
Nothing pains me more than waiting for a VIP text message. Whether it’s a text from your ex, someone you’re planning on having sex with later, or your drug dealer telling you to go to some seedy location, you’ll be kept on pins and needles until your phone vibrates and makes that luscious beautiful sound that indicates that you have a new message. To distract myself during the lull between messages, I’ll often try to get into a conversation with someone. It never works though because I’m just continually checking my phone throughout the discussion and being an absent-minded jerk. This can be especially insulting if your friend is actually broaching a serious talk. “Oh my god, you feel depressed and suicidal? Cool….wait! I’m going to DIE because he just texted me back and said, “Okay!”” Can you believe it? Sweet jesus!” I suggest that you just cut the crap and only talk about how much it sucks to wait for a text. It may seem small but trust me, this talk can last for hours. People have a lot of experience and anecdotes to share.
2. Stay away from alcohol
It might seem like a swell idea to pour yourself a glass of wine while you wait for a text but, um, it’s not. One glass can quickly turn into six and then before you know it you’re sending a slew of texts to your flaky sender that go something like, “hellooooo where r u hi im here waiting 4 u.” FIVE MINUTES LATER. “you know what’s really fun? when you don’t text me back. it’s the funnest thing you could ever do to me so thanks for giving me this gift of fun.” TEN MINUTES LATER. “i just don’t understand you. why are you doing to me? do you know how this feels? how hard it is to send a text? it takes 30 seconds. i just timed it. i literally just set a timer.” 20 MINUTES LATER. “i’m assuming you’re trapped underground or dead at this point. there’s no way you could actually be seeing these texts and ignoring them lol. hello?”
3. Take a long shower
Taking a long shower can be a great way to pass the time while waiting for a text. You can wash your hair for twenty minutes, sing along to your iPod, touch yourself, and blare out the sound of the outside world AKA your phone. Be warned though. If you don’t have a new text message waiting for you when you get out, you could experience crushing disappointment and losing your mind while wearing a towel is never cute.
4. Take Xanax
I mean, duh. That’s what it’s there for. It even says so on the bottle: “Reduces anxiety caused by everyday technology.”
5. Take a very long subway ride
Since you don’t get reception underground, taking the subway to a far away place like Coney Island could be just the thing you need to avoid someone not texting you back. Just like taking a shower, however, your sojourn to the boonies could make you feel doubly let down if you don’t have a message waiting for you above ground.
6. Binge eat
Pretend an Oreo is a text message and just eat 60 of them. Every time you eat one, imagine it to be the most glorious text message response ever. Oreo # 1: “U R Beautiful and I would like to have sex with you!” Oreo # 2: “Would you like to come to this amazing party with me tonight? The Olsen Twins will be there!”