Ryan O'Connell

She may’ve first became relevant through sex but as soon as Kim Kardashian got her foot in the door, she switched the narrative on us. All of a sudden, we weren’t dealing with just another one of Paris Hilton’s promiscuous party girl friends. We were being introduced to the Princess Di of the new Millennium.

Being on a first date is like holding in a giant fart for four hours, the fart being your REA L personality, your REAL desires, your vices, your flaws. The second it’s over, I feel like I can finally breathe again. My metaphorical stomach practically hits the floor in relief.

Besides, the only way you can ensure having a good future is by living a good present. That’s it. That’s the secret. So start paying attention to what’s going on around you. Otherwise, you might miss everything.

In New York, you’re considered wealthy if you have a dishwasher in your apartment. In L.A., you’re rich if you live in a mansion.

You start to forget things about the relationship, things you thought were important and would always hold dear. Nope. Time kills everything. Thankfully, it also heals it.

Everyone is an idiot when it comes to matters of the heart. Love is the great equalizer. Whenever you feel intimidated by someone’s coolness, just imagine them sobbing in their bedroom after someone broke their heart. I guarantee it’s happened.

A gift certificate to their local neighborhood drug dealer, condoms, a body pillow to replace the boyfriend they don’t have, worldwide acceptance of homosexuality, and, of course, a blowjob.

When a friend asks you why you can’t come to an all-night rager, you simply send them a picture of Lindsay Lohan circa today and write, “Because I don’t want this to happen to me.”